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Lill y

I am utterly exhausted, completely out of touch with reality. They say hump days are meant to be the best day of the week, and usually it is for me. But last night I decided to be an idiot and stay up majority of the night outlining my article, and when I finally managed to fall asleep, my alarm jolted me awake not even an hour later.

Now I’m struggling to keep my eyes open and my mind focused. I’m surviving on not even an hour's sleep, Callie’s famous coffee that she brewed fresh this morning, and I’m finding the will power to survive through it all.

Oh, and to add fuel to the fire, I woke up with some very lovely texts from Elizabeth, letting me know how much of a disappointment I am because I’m not going to hers this weekend for Maggie’s twenty-first birthday—Maggie being the daughter of the guy Elizabeth is currently married to—because honestly, why would I? Maggie and I don’t talk, and I moved out of Elizabeth’s house the day I turned eighteen, and I’ve not been back since. That’s almost thre e years, and I don’t plan on ever stepping foot in her house again.

So yeah, I could already tell that today was going to be a terrible fucking day, and I’m not looking forward to it at all.

Closing my car door and locking it, I place my keys in my bag before wrapping my coat around myself, and venture toward my lecture building. It’s nearing the end of October which means Halloween—one of my favorite holidays—but it also means Riverside is getting colder as the days go on, and I have a love-hate relationship with that.

When I’m almost at the double door that leads into my lecture building, someone calling my name halts me. Turning, I groan once I see who it is. Fuck’s sake. It’s official, my day just went from bad to Satan’s escaped hell.

Bowing my head down and attempting to pick up speed to get away, my hand is inches from the door when Kyle’s hand grips around my forearm bringing me to a stop.

“What do you want, Kyle?” I ask, removing his hand from my arm.

He leans in, trying to kiss me, making me step back. “Oh, come on, Lilly. Don’t be like that.” He chuckles.

I snort out a laugh. “Like what? Repulsed?”

He shakes his blond hair, weaving his hand through it. “I just want to walk my girlfriend to her lecture, can’t I do that?”

“Ex girlfriend,” I hiss. “And no, you can’t.”

I ended the relationship with him back in June, us breaking up was bound to happen, again . But this time it’s over for good. Kyle and I started dating toward the end of sophomore year in high school and I thought we’d finish college together, get ma rried, and have beautiful children. But then he cheated on me in freshman year, and I took him back like an idiot thinking he just made a mistake, and we’d get over it…but the cheating continued, and I continued taking him back.

It was toward the end of sophomore year that I decided enough was enough, and I wasn’t going to put up with him anymore. It took me walking into his parents’ house to surprise him that I was home a day early from my weekend trip with the girls, to see him not only kissing a girl, but fucking her too.

I didn’t even react, I just stood there and watched for half a minute—remembering the first time I walked in on him during the act freshman year. I wasn’t even angry, hurt, or even sad. I was pissed at myself for believing he could change, for believing in us. Because that’s who I am, a huge believer in love.

I remember grabbing the closest thing to me, which happened to be a trophy he won during his track days in high school, and I threw it at his head. The look on his face when he turned around wouldn’t leave my mind, the color drained from it, and then he smirked, like he’d done the first time I caught him.

He probably expected me to run out of his room crying, but I didn’t. With a huge grin on my face, I told him we were over before calmy walking out of there, willing the tears not to spill before I got into my car.

I drove back home and my dad, the one man who could do no wrong in my eyes, and my forever bestfriend, had his golf club at the ready to beat the shit out of Kyle. But I told him it wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t allowing my dad to go to jail for beating my ex up when I knew eventually karma would come for him.

“Yo u’re just going through one of your phases,” he shrugs. “We’ll be back together by next week.”

“One of my phases?” I choke out a bitter laugh.

To him, one of my “phases” is discovering him cheating on me—for the millionth time—breaking down in tears, vowing to never take him back again, and then inevitably doing just that. But this time it’s different. I won’t go back. I can’t . I refuse to let my life become a revolving door of the same betrayal, day after day. This time I’m determined to break the cycle and reclaim my self-worth.

He’s the reason my anxiety has spiraled out of control, the reason I’ve completely destroyed my nails from constantly picking at them. And he’s the very reason I feel so utterly insecure and worthless. His actions have shattered my confidence and left me questioning every minor detail about myself, every day . And I can’t let this continue. I can’t let what he did to me affect me anymore.

“We broke up, Kyle. Leave me alone.”

“You can’t just break up with me because you felt like it.” He huffs out, like it’s a fact.

Is he serious?

“Felt like it?” I snort. “Fucking felt like it?” Folding my arms across my chest, I lick my lips, trying not to snap at him. “Kyle, you’re delusional.”

Along with a number of other things.

“How many times have I said I’m sorry?” So many, but that still doesn’t mean I forgive him. “I’m sorry, Lilly. I love you. Please .” He leans in again to kiss me, resting his palm against my cheek, but I move back, shoving his hand off me.

Rubbing my hand down my face in frustration, my cheeks puff out as I exhale a breath. “If I say I forgive you, will you leave me alone, forever ?”

“No,” he shakes his head. “I want you back,” well, that isn’t happening. “Everything is so dull without you there, and my bed is so cold without you warming it up.”

“Not happening, Kyle. Never. Ever. Again. Now, fuck off!” I’m so pissed that I could feel my nails carving half-moons into my palm where I’m clenching them so hard.

“Lilly, baby—”

“No!” I yell louder than I meant to. “Don’t Lilly baby me. Leave me the hell alone, Kyle. I mean it.”

“Lilly…”

“What do you want?” I’m trying my hardest to remain calm, to not punch him square in the jaw.

He steps closer to me. “I messed up,” that’s an understatement of the century. “I regret it every day, can’t we—”

“No,” I cut him off, my voice firm. “You don’t get to waltz back into my life. Not after what you did.”

His eyes soften, pleading with me. “I’ve changed,” he insists, and I have to refrain myself from laughing in his face. “I love you.”

“You love yourself,” I point out. “You love the thrill of betrayal, the taste of forbidden fruit. But I won’t be your second choice. Not anymore.”

“I can’t live without you.”

Then die. that’s what I want to say. But as much as I hate him, I can’t bring myself to wish death upon him.

“K yle. Please. Just leave.”

He flinches. “I’ll change.”

Oh, I’ve heard that before.

“Change won’t erase the past,” I shake my head. “I’ve moved on, Kyle. Maybe you should too.” The lie comes out more easily than I expected it to.

“Moved on?” He laughs. “Like fuck you have, Lilly.”

Rolling my eyes, I turn away and reach for the door. But once again, he’s gripping my arm. “Kyle,” I growl, ripping his hand from me. “I’m going to be late for my lecture, leave.”

“You’ve moved on, yeah?” He gives me a patronizing look.

I lied, and now I’m going to have to go along with the lie. I’m going to have to fake having a boyfriend so Kyle can leave me alone, it won’t be that hard…right?

“Yes, I’ve moved on.” I confirm, trying my hardest to keep a neutral face.

But it technically isn’t a lie. I have moved on. Not with anyone else, just me, myself, and I.

“Yeah, right,” he snorts. “You could never move on from me, you’re too obsessed.”

I was obsessed, was being the keyword. “Well, guess what?” I snarl at him. “I have moved on, and he’s far fucking better than you.”

To be fair, I think anyone would be better than him.

“Yeah? What’s his name then?” He asks, anger lacing his voice.

Shit.

“His name doesn’t concern you.”

“Because he isn’t real,” he laughs, til ting his head back. “You’ve made him up,” he points a finger to his head, tapping it. “It’s all in your imagination, Lilly.”

“Leave me alone, Kyle.” I walk away, glad he doesn’t follow.

Pulling the door open to my lecture building, his voice stops me for a second. “I won’t stop until you’re mine again, Lilly. I promise you that!” He shouts.

Well, it looks like he’s going to be waiting forever then because there’s not a chance in hell I’m going back to him. I’d rather endure a whole day with Elizabeth than ever take him back, and that’s saying something.

And now I’ve got to add interacting with Kyle to my never-ending list of reasons why today isn’t my day.

Fan-fucking-tastic.