Page 90 of Whatever It Takes

His lips rise. I feel mine pull upward too. And I’m beginning to realize something.

I really like being in the company of Garrison Abbey.

20BACK THEN – September

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

GARRISON ABBEY

Age 17

Islump down in the back storage room of Superheroes & Scones. I’m not on break. Not even fucking close. Unless this place gives breaks after only an hour stocking comics.

Unlikely.

I just needed to escape for a second. My fingers instinctively slip into my leather jacket for a cigarette, but I quickly ditch the attempt. I don’t need to ruin the good thing I have going here by infusing Groot plushies with cigarette smoke.

I reach for my other pocket instead and slide out my phone.

A cardboard poster of Thor pokes my back. Pushing it away, I readjust and discover a bare patch of cement wall to lean against. Not like there’s much. The fucking storage room iscrammedwith shelves of comics and merchandise, half of which is packed in boxes. It’s easy to hide back here.

To get lost.

I log onto Tumblr and search for Willow’s new username that she changed fromwillowbadaboom33and gave me ten minutes ago.

vegablaze33

It slightly matches mine. Vega is a character fromStreet Fighter. She told me that she usually dresses up as Vega for Halloween, so it has sentimental meaning.

What’s terrible—what makes me hate myself more than she could even understand, more than she could know—is that I’m not even sure I would’ve befriended her if she came to Philly last year.

My group of friends—we’d been pretty tight since grade school. It would’ve been too hard to break away from that security. It’s such bullshit.

I’m bullshit.

Because I already like her more thananyshit friend I’ve ever had.

She dressed up as Vega, for Christ’s sake.

I laugh and I smile. Just trying to picture it. I wish I’d been there. Right beside her, for every Halloween she had the balls to wear that costume. And I don’t mean literal balls, but Vega is a dude.

What’s worse: I think I’d return to my friends if it would be like it was. When I lost some of them to juvie and when the rest of my friends turned their backs on me, I lostpeople.

Not happiness. Just people. And that’s what fucking hurts the most.

I’m not used to being alone. Having people near me, returning to what was, sounds comfortable and easier. Even if I wasn’t really happy.

Willow’s still a mystery to me. She’s shy but brazen enough to enter a party where she knows absolutely no one, all to find her cousin. I can’t even be without people that I don’t really like and who don’t really like me, and she could do that.

And she’s wary of touch.

But she let me touch her.

I might be bad for Willow. I’ve been bad for everyone at some point, but I selfishly need something that will keep me riding down this road. I’m scared that Superheroes & Scones won’t be enough over time, and I’ll find a way to turn back around.

To return to people I’ve known practically all my life. To people who will never make me happy.

I’m just terrified. Of every single option in front of me. Even the good ones. Even the horrible ones.