Page 57 of Whatever It Takes

Ipace outside of Superheroes & Scones at 6 a.m., my shit feelings causing me to linger. Only a few cars whiz by every minute, Philly beginning to wake—why am I awake?

It’s Saturday. I should be in bed sleeping off these shit feelings—I can’t sleep.

I stop and rest my arm on a parking meter for a second. An old gold Honda hugs the curb.

I parked my car a block away from here, needing the walk to think. Now that I’m outside the storefront, I’m stillthinkingapparently, and it’s not helping.

Nothing is helping.

I tug my hood over my head, the morning air cold. Everyone at Dalton knows what happened at Loren’s house, and most of them know that I was supposed to be there.

My mutual friends with Nathan—ones that weren’t there that night—think I’m disloyal and a shit friend for welching. Believing that I could’ve helped them escape before Loren caught them.

I can’t even hang out with the people that think Nathan is scum for what he did. I’m guilty by association. I passed Rachel in the hallway. She bristled at my presence and said, “You could’ve stopped your friends, you know. Why didn’t you do anything?”

Some mornings, I wish I’d just gone ahead and done it with them. Because I know I could never be strong enough to convince all of my friends to turn around with me. No one gets that.

“Why are you here?” I mutter to myself under my breath. And then blinds begin to open from inside the store. I don’t believe in signs or astrology or any of that, but this feels like something.

Move.

I walk away from the parking meter. Nearing the door. Why am I here?

Because I literally have nowhere else to go.

I have no friends. I have no life-altering aspirations. Every door feels shut except this one…the one that Loren Hale left open for me.

If this doesn’t work out…I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I eye theclosedsign and then knock on the glass door. I lean over and see Lily Calloway through it. She looks startled, her green eyes widened at me.

Shit. I go still, more uncertain now. Her bald-headed bodyguard flanks her side, the burliest guy I’ve ever seen. His thick left arm could probably crush my windpipe.

She bites her nails, and I knock again, letting her know that I want to enter the store. I keep shifting, like I might bail and go home at any second.

Lily says something to her bodyguard, her gangly body looking even thinner while she stands next to him. She makes me less nervous for some reason.

He replies back, and then she approaches the door.

I tense as soon as she cracks the door and sticks her head out. I pull back my hoodie so she can see my face, and then I look over her shoulder. “Is Loren here?”

“No.” That’s all she gives me.

I deserve that.

I deserve even less, actually. I look at her bodyguard again. He crosses his arms and actuallyglaresat me. I let out a pained noise, meaning it to be a laugh. “Forget it. This was a mistake.” I go to turn around.

“Wait,” she says quickly.

I hesitate, halfway turned.

“What do you want?”

How do I say this? I grit my teeth and try to purge my feelings, but all I say is, “Your boyfriend or fiancé or whatever… he offered me and my friends a job.” I roll my eyes, realizing how this sounds after what happened. “It’s fucking stupid anyway. Everything is.”

I’m leaving.

The single thought sounds good, and I know how deep it actually goes.