Page 58 of Whatever It Takes

“Lo told me about that.” She swings the door wider open. “Do you want to come in?”

I hardly hear her. My lips part in shock, and my eyes burn. “What?” I breathe, looking between her and the opened door. I fully expected her to shut it in my face.

“If you want a job, you have to come into the store,” she says nicely and even produces a smile. “Although…” Her eyes light up. “It’d be kinda cool if we had a superhero mascot out front. Do you want to be a mascot?”

“No.” I shake my head in fog, barely registering anything she just said. How can she be this nice to me? She waves me in again, and I tentatively walk inside, my fists stuffed in my jean pockets. I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous.

Don’t screw this up.I know. I know.

Her bodyguard blocks me about ten-feet into the store. “I need to pat you down.”

Right.

I could have a weapon or some shit, looking for vengeance for them turning in my friends. I understand. I extend my arms, and the big guy pats my pockets and checks my hoodie. I hear some people talking softly by the cash register, but I don’t look over there.

I scan the racks of comics, a cardboard cutout of a couple green-clad superheroes close by.

After Lily’s bodyguard finds nothing on me, he nods to her in approval.

“So you want a job?” she asks.

My face twists, unable to detect any resentment on her features. She’s what…twenty-four? She looks sixteen, to be honest—just really thin with a round face and rosy cheeks. Her brown hair is chopped at her shoulders, and she scratches her arm while she waits for me to speak.

I don’t know what I feel, but it’s all rising and hitting me fast. “You’re not even going to ask me where I was that night? Or what happened?”

It’s hard to believe Lily is a sex addict. The way she stares at me like“oh right”—slightly aloof but still approachable like a lost turtle—isn’t someone I’d think would have a lot of sex.

Then again, one of my friends, Carly, has a tongue piercing and she’s a virgin. So I don’t know why I draw these conclusions, knowing they never add up anyway.

Lily pulls back her shoulders some and hesitantly asks, “Where were you?”

The question pummels me full-force, even if I was the one who basically asked it to myself. I look up at the ceiling and shake my head.

And it just rips out of me. “I’m not a good guy. I never told them to stop. I knew that they planned to break in and scare everyone, and I didn’t do anything. I just let them leave.” I choke on a laugh. “And now they’re all looking at a year in prison. And I’m standing free.”

She never even flinches. I watch her take in more than just my words, her eyes reddening. It’s like she gets it. I don’t know how… “What made you stay back?”

I stare at the carpet. “Everything your boyfriend said… fuck, I don’t know. It just didn’t feel right, scaring girls and babies… I know one of you has PTSD…”

She stiffens. “Wha…?”

“I didn’t tell anyone,” I say quickly, realizing this is private information. “I promise. I can’t even remember who let it slip. Either Ryke or Loren shouted it at me. No one else was around.” I drop my head, and my bed-head hair falls into my eyelashes. “I think… you should know that I planned to go with my friends.”

I swallow a rock, struggling to forcetearsdown.

Stop crying.I’m not crying, okay? I’m not. I just… I want to be someone else. I can’t live with this anymore. And I don’t even know whatthisis. Yeah I do…

Thisis me.

“I literally could not move my stupid feet,” I say, my voice shaking. “And there’s a part of me that wishes I was with them. That I got caught too.”

She says softly, “You did the right thing.”

I don’t think I did. I look up at her. “Did I? I can’t even sayI’m sorrybecause it feels fucking stupid. Like…” I push my hair out of my eyes. “Like it’s not enough, you know? It’s not at all.” It’ll never be.

“This was enough,” she says. “I promise, it was.”

I try to let out a deep breath, and I try to believe what she’s telling me. I don’t think I can forgive myself, even if she’s forgiven me.