Page 52 of What Did I Miss?

Makayla paces the emergency department’s waiting room alone. She can’t sit in those hard plastic chairs any longer. The clinical white walls and choking scent of antiseptic bring back horrible memories.

Window panels protect the reception staff, who remain calm yet firm when people race into the hospital in a state of panic.

Just like Makayla, the first time she bled while pregnant.

All the nurse offered was a sympathetic look.

Her situation wasn’t dire enough to jump the queue.

That didn’t stop Warren banging his fists and shouting, ‘When’s someone going to see my wife?

’ Usually, his entitlement to be seen and heard grated, except on that occasion, when he refused to let her miscarry in the toilets. On that day, he was her hero.

On her fiftieth lap of the waiting room, Makayla stops at a table stocked with pamphlets. Heart attacks, STDs, drug rehabilitation. Something for everyone. She sees a photograph of a weeping woman alongside the title Pregnancy Loss Support Group .

Makayla scuffs the linoleum, shuffling across it. The swinging doors Diamond was whisked through earlier haven’t opened in a while. Hopefully, the only thing the two women have in common is Warren.

Makayla chews her thumbnail down to the stump; the ticking hands of the wall clock are driving her batty. Sombre silence and the interminable wait leave her with nothing but thoughts.

The hurt across Beau’s face tortures her on repeat. I love you . Why couldn’t she say those three measly words? They must be somewhere inside her. What if they’re not? If she digs through the rubble and can’t unearth them, it’ll be over before it even started.

Makayla’s fingers twitch, wanting to call him. All her texts have gone unanswered, which is so unlike him. What did he mean when he said he was getting out of her way? Is he giving her space? Does he want to break up? Never speak to her again? She needs to know.

Stuff it. I’m going to see him. A phone call won’t do, and the drive will give her time to think about what to say.

The double doors swing open and Warren falls through them, bringing a stale beer stench with him. Through bloodshot eyes, he looks beyond Makayla and sighs.

‘I thought Ma might’ve come,’ he says.

‘I can call her if you like?’ Why didn’t she think of that while she was sitting there being useless?

‘Already did. I left a voicemail, but …’ He digs his hands into his pockets.

‘How’s Diamond? The baby?’

‘They said our little girl’s strong.’ He relaxes his shoulders, but only a smidge. That’s where he carries his stress, and he mustn’t be ready to let his guard down. ‘They’re keeping Diamond in overnight to do tests for pre-eclamps-somethin’. I dunno. Doctors and their fancy fucking terms.’

‘It’ll be okay. It will,’ Makayla stresses. ‘You look pretty beat. Why don’t you rest and I’ll grab you a crappy cafeteria coffee?’

‘Is it all right if I come with you?’

‘Sure.’

Artificial light floods the hallway, making night feel like day.

Neither of them utter a word for the entire walk.

They don’t bother following the signs. It’s impossible to miss the fatty smell of fried food warming in a bain-marie.

The dim sims are dry and shrivelled. One bite would, ironically, put you in the hospital.

Makayla orders Warren’s coffee, knowing his preference by heart, ‘Plain coffee with none of that frothy shit on top.’ They take a seat at a sticky table.

‘Thanks for staying. I was a bit drunk before. Still am.’ Warren sculls a glass of water.

‘Can’t believe we’re back here. I hate this joint.

Do you know what I was thinking on the drive over?

That it was going to happen again, and it’d be my fault.

I must have dud sperm, or maybe it’s karma for what I did to you. Since we’re here, I want to tell you—’

‘We don’t have to do this right now. Focus on Diamond.’

‘Nah, I have to. I want to. Look, you’ve moved on, I’ve moved on. It is what it is. I want you to know something, though. Not a day goes by where I don’t feel like a dog for what I put you through. Skipping that ultrasound is the biggest regret of my life.’

Warren wells up and uses his sleeve to wipe away the tears.

He’s never cried. Well, not in front of Makayla.

Warren always prided himself on being the strong silent type, which never served him or their marriage well.

Seeing him wear his heart on his sleeve is a nice change.

It’s the permission slip she needs to get things off her chest too.

She rolls her thumb across her wrist, where the angel wings tattoo sits.

‘Help me understand something. Why weren’t you there? Why did you choose the cricket club over me? Our son?’ She swallows the lump that forms whenever she speaks about Eddie. Will there ever be a time when she can think of him without it?

Warren sobs into his hands, trying to stop, but his emotions get the better of him and gush out. Fat tears. Howling like a wounded animal. Hiccup breaths. A grey-haired lady, nose-deep in a Woman’s Day , peers over the top of it. Makayla doesn’t interrupt Warren. He needs this.

‘Before we tried to have a baby, you weren’t in love with me anymore.’ He holds up a hand to stop Makayla from disagreeing. ‘As long as I didn’t mess up too bad, I knew you wouldn’t leave. You didn’t want your parents to be right about us.’

Guilt worms its way in. Makayla wasn’t as good at hiding her resentment as she thought.

‘When you got pregnant, things changed. You liked me again. Maybe even loved me. It felt like us in the old days. Then …’ Warren puffs out his cheeks.

He can’t bring himself to say it. ‘When it happened the second time, you were slipping away. I thought, Christ, if we could have a baby, everything would be fine. When you told me that morning that you had a bad feeling, I freaked out. I knew if it happened again, you’d be screwed up and wouldn’t want to try for another one.

And without a baby, you’d have no reason to stay. ’

Makayla’s hand trembles, bringing her long black to her lips.

Every sip is like drinking air. Tears roll off the tip of her nose and into the mug.

She underestimated Warren. He saw and felt everything – all of her.

He just didn’t have the skills or courage to communicate it.

Neither of them did. This is the longest and most honest conversation they’ve had in years.

‘I didn’t choose the cricket club over you.

I drank myself stupid, so I didn’t have to face the fact that we’d be over.

That’s no excuse. I should’ve been there.

And I shouldn’t have thrown our news in your face.

I was pissed off about you cutting me out and thought it’d make me feel better, but it made it ten times worse. I’m sorry, Kay.’

Warmth flickers inside her. Warren hasn’t called her that since they were teenagers.

He’s the first boy she ever gave her heart to.

The one who piggy-backed her for five kilometres to get her home safely after she’d consumed too many Vodka Cruisers at a party.

The same boy she called when her dad was being a prick.

Warren would stay on the phone as she cried herself to sleep.

He said nothing, but he was there, and that was enough.

Makayla soaks through a fistful of serviettes and offers one to Warren, too. She rubs her chest, where pressure mounts. It’s her turn to be a grown-up about all this, and after a few deep breaths, she’s ready.

‘I’m sorry too. I shut you out. It was easier to be angry and blame you than it was to deal with losing Eddie.’

Warren’s hand engulfs hers, and the familiarity of his touch is comforting, like wearing an old hoodie when she’s got a cold.

‘I want to put all this behind us,’ she says, willing to stop punishing him, and ultimately herself.

They’ve suffered enough. Holding onto her rage will inevitably ruin future relationships.

It already has. If she’d realised sooner, Beau wouldn’t have become collateral damage.

‘I also want to apologise for being petty about the car. I’ll admit, I initially wanted it to hurt you, but now I need it, and the club.

Without them, I’ll have no one, and I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m a bit of a mess.

’ Warren chortles in agreement. ‘I’m going to need people around me while I process everything.

I hope you understand.’ Even if he does, she’s not sure Quinn will.

She holds grudges better than Makayla. But she’ll deal with that later.

‘Truth be told,’ Warren says, ‘with the baby coming along, we won’t be able to afford the insurance, rego and upkeep. I rocked up at your party to tell you that. Diamond and I talked it over on our last money date night. We’re doing The Barefoot Investor thing.’

‘Look at you being all responsible. I like Diamond. She’s good for you.’ Makayla smiles. The kind that comes from being truly happy for someone else. ‘I’m going to head off, if that’s okay? If you need anything, call me.’

Warren pulls her in for a final hug and they take their time to say goodbye properly.

When Makayla returns to the crowded waiting room, she stops at the table she avoided earlier. She takes the pamphlet she needs and exits the building.

Standing outside the hospital, she sucks in cool air and takes a moment to let the conversation with Warren sink in. It was heavy, yet necessary. Her mind is restless, her body exhausted, and she longs to curl up on the couch with Piper.

A gasp and a thud play on a loop in the dimly lit car park. A person hops in and out of the driver’s side, unable to decide if they’re coming or going. Makayla approaches, heart beating with anticipation, desperate for it to be Beau. A houndstooth patterned coat shatters that dream.

‘Trish.’ Makayla taps on the passenger side window before testing the handle. She climbs inside and nestles into the heated seat. Luxury living at its finest.

‘How’s Diamond?’ Trish asks with a mouthful of sadness.

‘I haven’t spoken to her myself. Warren said she’s doing okay.’

‘The baby?’

‘She’s fine, too.’

Trish whips her head to the left. ‘It’s a girl?’ ‘

‘Sorry. I don’t know if I was supposed to tell you that.’ Too bad if Diamond and Warren wanted to do a gender reveal party. ‘You’re going to have the little girl you always wanted.’ Bubs will have a charm-filled Pandora bracelet before her first birthday.

‘I already have a daughter.’ Trish pats Makayla’s thigh.

Makayla takes Trish’s supple hand. This day has poked at every single sore spot and she can’t bandage them up anymore. They need oxygen to heal.

‘I’ll never be able to repay you for everything you’ve done for me.

You welcomed me into your home and cared for me when my own parents wouldn’t.

I had the best mother-in-law anyone could ask for.

Please don’t take sides. Letting Diamond in won’t hurt me, and shutting her out will only hurt you.

Your family is about to get bigger. You can sit in this car and watch it happen from a distance, or you can walk in that hospital and be a part of it. ’

‘I can’t. Warren will be mad at me,’ she blubbers.

‘Then say sorry and take it from there. It’s not too late.’

Trish dismisses Makayla’s offer of soggy used napkins and instead uses her pinkie to swipe away the mascara stains. With utmost care, she applies a generous slick of lipstick and puckers at herself in the mirror.

‘Grandmother is coming, little one.’