Page 41 of What Did I Miss?

That’s not the issue. Cece was right yesterday when she said Makayla’s never held Tilly. She’d dismissed every offer to hold the baby, and eventually Cece stopped asking. No wonder she was concerned about leaving her child with Makayla.

‘Okay. Hand her over.’

The transfer goes smoothly. A jacket zip catches the toddler’s eye, and she abandons her torture mission. Adrenaline pulses through Makayla like she’s expecting an encore.

She presses her nose against Tilly’s squishy cheek, breathing in her powder-fresh scent. This little one is all porcelain skin, wispy red hair and big, curious eyes. If Eddie had been born, they would have been best friends. Cece would’ve insisted.

‘See, she likes you.’ Beau removes the folded clothes on an armchair and encourages Makayla to sit.

‘No, she likes my leather jacket. This girl has expensive taste. Don’t you?

Don’t you Til-Til?’ Makayla surprises herself by slipping into the kind of baby voice she teases others about.

‘Let’s make a deal, kiddo. If you fall asleep in the next five minutes, I’ll buy you one.

It won’t be real or black because your mum will never put you in it, but it’ll have zips. Tons of them. What do you say?’

Tilly flicks at the zip non-stop like it’s more enthralling than the mountains of toys she has.

‘Should I be letting her play with it? Is it a choking hazard? What if …’ Makayla doesn’t want to finish that sentence.

‘It’s fine. We’re both watching her.’ Beau squats on the ottoman in front of them. ‘I didn’t picture you as a worrywart. I thought you’d be chilled like you are with the students. I’m seeing a whole different side of you.’

‘Teenagers can fend for themselves. With babies, so many things can go wrong. Aren’t you scared? Even a little?’ Makayla realises she’s sitting on the edge of the chair and wiggles herself back into it.

‘Not really. So, I’ve been meaning to ask you something. Did you tell Cece about …’

Makayla tenses. She knew this was coming. Of course, he’d ask her when she’s literally backed into a corner. ‘No.’

‘I don’t understand. She’s your best friend. Didn’t you need someone to talk to?’

‘When I had the first miscarriage, I came over to tell her, but she beat me to the punch and announced she was pregnant. I couldn’t take away from her moment.

’ Tilly’s tiny hand finds its way to Makayla’s, and she strokes the back of it with her thumb.

‘Then the second time, it hit a lot harder. I was embarrassed; I thought there must be something wrong with me.’ She holds her palm up to prevent Beau from comforting her.

One touch and she’ll unravel. ‘With Eddie’ – her breath hitches – ‘Cece was on mat leave and things were weird between us. Seeing her with a baby was this cruel reminder of what I couldn’t have.

I didn’t visit or call as much as I should have.

She didn’t say anything, but I’m certain she’s upset with me.

Things feel off between us.’ Makayla’s lips quiver as she fights back tears.

She tightens her hold on Tilly, who now lays soundless in her arms. ‘I couldn’t put my crap aside and celebrate her experience. I’m a rotten friend.’

‘That’s not true. If you told Cece, she would have understood. Still will. She’s one of the nicest people on the planet.’

‘She really is, but she’s got a lot on her plate at the moment. I don’t want to burden her.’

‘Don’t they say the only cure for grief is to grieve?

I can’t imagine you’ve done much of that if you’ve been keeping this to yourself for so long.

’ Beau wipes her tears with a bib before they fall on Tilly’s head.

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just that friends are there for good times and bad. ’

Makayla nods, hoping he’ll stop grilling her.

She doesn’t plan to tell Cece, now or ever.

What good would it do? Initially, getting it off her chest with Beau was like getting slammed by a speeding bus.

Day by day, she’s feeling a little lighter from sharing the load, but Beau being standoffish is creating another problem.

Makayla’s phone jingles in her pocket. ‘Can you get that? It might be Cece.’ Tilly is sound asleep, and she doesn’t want to risk moving.

‘It’s Warren.’ Beau shows her the screen, where she’s replaced her ex-husband’s profile photo with an image of Shrek. ‘Do you want me to answer?’

‘No!’

Tilly’s eyes flash open and Makayla freezes until they close again and she returns to a delicate snore.

‘You haven’t spoken to him since last weekend?’ Beau asks.

‘Um, no. Why would I?’

Was Beau not listening when she explained what he did? Was he not there when Warren threw his big news in her face? She’ll never speak to him again. The only exception will be when she drives Gertie past his house, flips him the bird and yells, ‘Rot in hell!’

‘Did he ever explain why he wasn’t with you at the ultrasound?’

‘I already told you, he was getting wasted at the cricket club. He cared more about watching sport than he did about me and his son.’ Hot tears come to the surface.

Why is Beau taking Warren’s side? The sting of betrayal is similar to when Trish suggested she let go of her anger.

At least her ex-mother-in-law came through for her at the anniversary dinner.

Finally, she can see what Makayla’s been saying all along – Warren is an inconsiderate prick!

‘Do you think you’ll ever forgive him?’

Makayla laughs. ‘He doesn’t deserve it. I would think you, of all people, would understand. Will you ever forgive your dad for abandoning you?’ The second it comes out, she wants to take it back. She didn’t mean to bring up his wounds, too. Why does she always hit low when attacked?

Beau takes it on the chin, unrattled by the topic. ‘I reached out to him a few years ago. We had a long chat about it all and put it behind us.’

‘You forgave him? Just like that? Why?’

‘I figured I had two choices: walk around being pissed off all the time or let it go. The anger was eating me up inside. Any time something bad happened in my life, I blamed him, when it was me who was getting in my own way. Also, when I have kids, I’d like them to have the chance to get to know their Pops. Didn’t want to leave it too late.’

Makayla notices he said when he has kids rather than if . She remains silent, scared she’ll say the wrong thing while in self-preservation mode. Good on Beau for being a bigger person. That doesn’t mean Makayla has to be. Not everyone deserves forgiveness, especially Warren.

Questions swirl inside her head, pondering other reasons for Warren’s absence at the ultrasound. There can’t be any good ones. She’d told him that morning she thought something was wrong. If he cared about her, he would have moved heaven and earth to be there.

‘She’s out like a light. I think it’s safe to transfer her into the cot,’ Beau says.

‘I’m going to stay a little longer. Why don’t you have a break?’ Makayla knows full well he’ll tidy up the mess they made earlier.

As he leaves the room, Beau says, ‘I’m on your side, Makayla. I’m always here if you need to talk.’

Screw talking. She’s done with that.

Beau was wrong last weekend when he said being intimate wouldn’t make her feel better.

It’s the only thing that’s worked so far.

Each time they’re together, she slips out of reality and into a moment where happiness is possible.

The past evaporates. He’s her comforter, and if she doesn’t get things back to how they were before, she’ll never sleep soundly again.