Page 38 of Waters that Drown Us

“I’m afraid,” I admit. Her gaze softens the smallest amount, and she reaches out her hands to drag the back of her knuckles over mine. All the hairs on my arm stand on end, and shivers break out across my body.

“Fear isn’t necessary,” she promises, staring into my eyes like she can see all the way into my soul, search for the dread and excavating it like an artifact, excising it like a tumor. “If I can trust you, and you can trust me, there’s no reason to be afraid.”

-

I’mwhite-knuckling the steering wheel of this fucking boat, repeating her words over and over again in my mind.Fear isn’t necessary.

This is what she wants. WhatIwant. Everything else—her father, my family, the people we are and will always be—fades away with the shoreline as I make my way further out to sea.

Alice said whatever she took will make her drowsy for an hour or so, and so she’s tucked safely away in the small sleeping quarters downstairs. I asked over and over again, confirming a thousand times that this is what she wants. To be vulnerable, to put her safety in my hands, to give all control up to me.

I haven’t given up anything, she said as she laid on the cot and shut the door in my face.

I know she’s right. I’ve been a part of these dynamics before, though in a much more structured and, frankly, forthcoming environment. I may be the one driving this boat, choosing where we stop, deciding how she touches me and how she comes, but that doesn’t mean I’m in control. The submitting partner can always safe out, can stop the scene any time. Her choice to give up autonomy only amplifies her control of the situation.

That’s why these situations are called powerdynamics. Everything is an exchange.

The problem is, healthy dynamics require communication. Honesty.Trust.

It’s inherently wrong to use kink as a test of trust. You need to establish it in advance, so everyone feels safe and secure, and knows that their partner has their best interest at heart.

Alice doesn’t know that. In her mind, there’s a significant chance that I could use this opportunity to truly harm her, or to further manipulate her vulnerability, maybe even at the request of her father or Ilya.

And yet here I am, driving this research boat further out to sea, because she asked me to. Because she told me fear isn’t necessary. Because she wants me to prove we can trust each other.

God, this is all so fucked.

The guilt of not telling her who I am claws at me, but I shove it down with the knowledge that if she found out, I’d leave this life for her. I’d abdicate my position in The Syndicate of Fate. I’dkill everyone who has ever hunted her, or hide from them beside her if that’s what she’d prefer.

When we’re far enough out, I check the radar on my phone to ensure there’s no one close enough to hear her scream. Because that’s what she wants. To scream, to be afraid, to be used and overwhelmed and drowned in the pleasure of someone else’s choosing. To be controlled by someone who will take care of her.

I drop the anchor and make my way around the small boat, taking time to prepare everything. Nylon rope from the spare buoy. Safety shears from the first aid kit. Reminding myself the only thing I know for certain. That Alice isn’t afraid. And she needs me to prove that I’m not either.

Chapter 17

Alice

Isit up the moment the engine cuts off.

We’re not in the harbor anymore.

The moment Emily agreed to my plan, albeit very reluctantly, I boarded the boat and made my way down to the small quarters beneath the cockpit. The space is barely big enough for a mounted cot beneath a slanted, metal roof, but I climbed into it anyway. The motion sickness medication didn’t put me to sleep, but it did make me drowsy enough to lie down and contemplate my decisions.

Emily’s right. This is a bad idea. To be honest, it doesn’t even make a ton of sense. She could take me out here, do what I asked, andstillbe working for my father or Ilya. This doesn’t prove anything.

But for some delusional reason, I believe that this shared vulnerability is the one space we can see through each other’s deception. That when she’s teaching me to live, and I’m teaching her to be brave, we’re the most honest versions of ourselves.

The berth creaks under my weight as I shift, clutching the threadbare blanket covering me and listening to my fluttering heart. My pulse is heavy and cruel, making my skin overheated and sensitive. Beneath the anger, guilt, and shame, there’s asteady current of desire. Logic dictates that I should be most concerned with Emily’s motivations, and if she is a threat to my safety. But my heart, or some less reasonable organ, wants her to prove that she’s the one person who I can trust to both control me and set me free.

I take more deep breaths, not fighting the adrenaline but letting it consume me. I know she’s out there, waiting for me. The boat isn’t big. Soon enough, she’ll have her hands on me…

I have to duck my head when I swing my feet off the bed, feeling the bite of the frame through the thin mattress I was resting on. Metal is cold under my toes, and my exposed skin prickles with goosebumps as I stand. I tossed my tennis shoes under the cot when I laid down, and there’s no point in putting them back on.

This is the most reckless thing I’ve ever done.

And it doesn’t scare me one bit.

I climb up the short steps into the cockpit, placing a steadying hand on the railing when a rough wave hits the side of the boat. I didn’t expect the sea to be so unruly today, but I didn’t exactly check the conditions before I committed to this plan. At least I made sure a storm wasn’t coming.