Page 26 of Waters that Drown Us

“You can see everything here, Emily. That’s not an exaggeration,” she promises, tossing the goggles so quickly that I react on instinct and grab them before they smack me in the face. “Nothing can surprise you. You can get in and out of the water any time you want. The sea floor isn’t very deep, so even if you dive you can always make it back up for air. The ocean is calm today, so the waves won’t make it hard to swim. The boat is anchored, so it won’t drift away. There’s a buoy on a line that you can hold on to, so you always know you’re attached to the boat and can get back to it quickly.” Her expression is hard and serious as she holds my gaze. “You are in control of everything possible here. This isn’t about facing your fears. It’s about learning that fear isn’t necessary.”

I still don’t exactly believe that. The ocean is so unpredictable…

“A meteor could strike your research lab,” she says like she’s reading my mind. “Even when you’re the most in control you can be, there are still things beyond us.”

I groan in defeat, and Alice squeals and claps as I shrug my cover-up off. My swimsuit is of the sporting variety, becausetemperature-controlled indoor lap pools are more my speed. Even though it’s not particularly sexy, I still catch Alice’s wandering eyes, which is more motivation to get into the water with her than anything she said.

I pull my hair back into a low ponytail, grateful it’s long enough now that the pieces don’t spill out anymore, and affix the snorkel kit to my forehead. Alice instructs me to grab the tied buoy and toss it to her, and then I stare off the edge of the boat.

“It’s easiest to step up on that little ledge and just jump,” she says from about twenty feet away, pointing toward the bench seat that lines the nose of the boat. “If you sit on the rim you might flip the boat.”

“Lovely,” I mutter under my breath, stepping up onto the ledge. My balance is far less stable here, and I bend my knees and hold my arms out to try to stay upright. Alice’s giggles do nothing for my enjoyment of this experience.

“Come on, there’s a prize for you if you make it out here,” she taunts, swimming a few feet further away. I flicker my eyes up to her momentarily, my blood pumping faster in my veins for a whole new reason. I love when she flirts with me like this. It’s only been a few weeks, but her confidence has grown exponentially. It only solidified the acceptance that she wasn’t lying. I’m the only person who has ever touched her.

I’ve never been possessive of partners before, and I know there’s something inherently patriarchal and antiquated about the way I feel, but fuck it, Ilovebeing her one and only.

“Don’t threaten me with a good time,” I call back, feeling significantly more inspired to jump into the water. I pull the goggles down over my eyes, leaving the mouthpiece of the breathing tube dangling. It takes a few more deep breaths, but finally I conclude that if a giant shark eats me, at least I’ll die without ever having to betray Alice.

The water is fuckingcold. I read the temperature this morning when I was preparing for the day of research, so logically I knew that it was fifty-eight degrees fahrenheit, but fuck does that feel colder than it sounds. My whole body tenses up the moment I hit the water, my muscles contracting in place, and I realize Alice was wrong. I have no control, not even over myself. Panic slams into me like a freight train, and I wonder how long it will take for the mounting carbon dioxide in my lungs to force me to breathe out and inhale pure sea water. I hear drowning is more painful than being burned at the stake, and I have a momentary shred of empathy for all the people I’ve killed that way.

But then I feel a hand on my arm, and when I glance up, Alice is there. The plastic lens of the goggles makes her eyes seem extra wide, and she smiles in a way that reminds me again of cartoon princesses. When she tugs on my arm again, my blood warms, reminding the rest of my body of its survival instincts. I kick my feet, propelling both of us toward the surface, which really only was about four feet above my head.

“You did it!” Alice screams while I gulp down the air my body was screaming for. Saltwater is in my nose, mouth, and ears, and I shake myself like a wet dog.

“I’ve never experienced the phrasefrozen in fearso acutely,” I cough out, which only makes Alice laugh more. She helps me grab the line attached to both the fishing boat and the buoy.

“But see, you have control over your body. You swam to the surface, you can breathe. And look below you,” she encourages, dipping her face into the water and popping back up, like she’s demonstrating the methodology for me. “You can see everything.”

When in Rome, I suppose.

When I drop my face under the water, it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to the strange lens of the goggles. The firstthing I notice is our feet, side by side, kicking close to each other. My skin is so tan in comparison to hers, even though I’ve lost a lot of color on my lower body wearing boots and cargo pants on the research trips. Where I’m all muscle, the planes of my calves tight and bulging slightly with the effort of treading water, Alice is almost dainty. She seems so breakable next to me.

Below us, though, is an entire universe. Kelp grows in a forest thicker than the trees on the cliffs, waving at us in the motion of the current. It’s a sea beneath the sea, endless shades of emerald and olive and sage creating its own ecosystem. Small silver and blue fish dart in and out, either on their lonesome or in little schools, appearing and disappearing amongst the leaves.

Alice taps me, and when I look at her she taps the snorkel mouthpiece, which she’s placed in her mouth. I follow suit, remembering to blow out first to expel all the water caught in the tube.

We both gaze back down, watching bright flashes of orange, red, and yellow flicker through the maze of leaves. It’s like a moving painting, a kaleidoscope of sunset colors and light that my eyes can’t fully process.

I pop my head back above the water, my hand still clinging to the buoy line as I blink into the sunlight and remove the gear from my face. Alice doesn’t join me, and I watch through the distorted surface as she dives and swims among the seaweed for a few moments.

I know I’m fucked. The options for saving her from the whims of both her father and my family are limited. But now I want more. I don’t only want to prove her innocence because of a latent childhood crush, or save her because she deserves a life free from the terror of her father’s wrath. Iwanther. More than the imaginary person I created in my head based on a week watching her. This new, real, brave, difficult version of her that I’ve come to care for.

And I can’t have her.

Because even if I miraculously convince Clara not to use her as bait, ensure Ilya doesn’t find her, and kill every threat that exists to her, I still have to tell her the truth. That I lied a thousand times over, that I planned to use her the same way everyone who has claimed to love her did, that I am a crucial, integral part of this world she died to escape.

She won’t forgive me. I wouldn’t, if the roles were reversed. And so even if I save her, I will lose her.

Therefore, fucked.

“You have to come down there with me, I think there’s a sleeping turtle on the sea floor,” she says excitedly the moment she joins me, a brightness in her eyes I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. “This might be the biggest kelp forest I’ve found here. There was this big wasting sickness that affected the sunflower sea stars, and that made the urchin population boom, and they have devastated the kelp forests. It’s really sad, but this one is amazing, you have to come explore.”

I pull her goggles off her face and sling both pairs onto my arm before pulling her against me. Her blush could be explained by the exertion of swimming that deep and holding her breath that long, but I know better.

“I want my prize first,” I say, licking the ocean from her skin as I kiss along the line of her jaw. She still hasn’t let me kiss her lips, and I still can’t figure out why, but I’m going along with it for now.

“So demanding,” she replies breathlessly, failing in her attempt at false annoyance. Her hands travel down my back and across my ass, tracing the lines of my swimsuit in a dangerous way.