Page 27

I struggle to open my eyes. The light is hurting, and a splitting headache plagues me. I ring for the nurse and ask for some water and decline the pain medication she offers. Last time it put me to sleep and I really don’t want to sleep anymore. I try to remember what happened, but it just increases the banging in my head. When the nurse returns with the water I asked for, it soothes my throat. While she’s present she assists me to the toilet. How embarrassing. I’m as weak as a kitten. After I’m finished, she helps me back to bed. A few moments later, she returns with a tray of food. It’s three in the afternoon and I haven’t eaten since yesterday at lunchtime. We planned on grabbing something to eat on the way home. My stomach growls as I look at the sandwich, chocolate bar, and crackers on my plate, so I tuck in.

The door slowly opens, and Chloe sticks her head through. “Oh, I see you’re awake. I brought you a gift.” She smirks and waves a takeaway coffee cup in front of me.

“Oh my god, you really are an angel.” I laugh at her, cringing as the pain in my head worsens with laughter and the movement. She places the cup on my tray.

“Okay, trouble, I must go and start my shift now, just wanted to make sure you’re okay so I can tell Carl. He’s been worried sick.” She states, waves, and leaves before I can even say a word.

I want to see Carl. I know he’ll be worried as hell. Pressing the call bell, I ask for a Nurse to call Carl, since my phone somehow disappeared. She’s kind enough and notices that eating and a cup of coffee improved my constitution some. The dizziness is slowly receding and my head, although sore, is not as bad as it was.

“Would it be possible to see my friend on the cancer ward?” I ask.

After giving me a long assessing onceover, she responds, “As long as you’re in a wheelchair, it should be fine. Don’t leave the hospital grounds, though. We need to be able to keep an eye on you. You’ll need to have someone with you. Hang on a minute, I’ll get you the patient’s mobile.” She walks out and after a few moments returns, cordless phone in hand.

I know Carl’s number by heart and dial. “Yes?” a happy female voice answers.

“Ally? What are you doing answering Carl’s phone?” I question, a little puzzled. Maybe I’m not as okay as I thought yet.

“Well, it was a withheld number. It could have been anyone. What are you doing calling from that number? You should still be two floors below us,” Ally sternly replies, and I sigh.

“I am, Ally, I am. Why aren’t the prospects there?” I ask as I hear chattering in the background. I groan because it means it’s an old ladies’ visit for Carl.

“All the guys are in church. prospects have been summoned, and Sparks asked if Caroline and I could visit the Flakester to keep him company. Not exactly a hardship. We’ll come down to see you once the prospects are back,” Ally chirps. I can hear Carl’s voice in the background, loudly stating, “Please, someone help me. I’m being chatted to death.”

Caroline volleys back, “Don’t be such a baby. I’m here to spread happiness far and wide, even to your miserable, sourpuss temperament.” Caroline is on form, sounding chipper, and her catchphrase makes me snort.

I groan as I pay for my amusement with an instant headache. “Since you’re already there, could you get Caroline to get me and take me to see the Flakester?” I ask Ally.

“Are you sure you’re up to that?” Ally’s voice shows concern. “You frightened the living daylights out of me when you keeled over at the table. Don’t do that. You took at least ten years off my life!”

“I’m better now, Ally, I promise. I have no clue what happened. The last thing I remember is walking back to the table and laughing with you,” I tell her, my tone serious. I hear Ally covering the speaker and mumbling to Caroline.

“Caroline just grabbed Flakester’s wheelchair and is on her way to you. Don’t even try to resist her, she’s hell bent on wheeling you and resistance is futile,” Ally snorts out.

“Save me from theses mad bitches!” I can hear Carl beg in the background, which causes me to smile wide. My friend is up for visitors. Yay!

The door bursts open with a giggling Caroline, skidding to a stop about two inches before hitting the bed with the wheelchair. She’s bouncing around like a hyperactive puppy. I can’t help but feel instantly better.

“Hello, lovely lady. Your chariot awaits. I missed you.” I can’t help but cackle a little. She only saw me last night.

Before I can reply, she’s around the wheelchair and envelopes me in the biggest Caroline bear hug known to man. For a second, her sunny disposition slips and her tone turns serious.

“You scared me, sweetness. Don’t do shit like that. I love you and need you in my life, my lovely.” She squeezes me rather tight. Finally, she lets go, helps me get into the wheelchair, making sure my ass isn’t showing through the gown, and starts rolling me down the corridor.

I thought this would be easy, but Caroline skips all the way to the elevator, singing completely out of tune, “We’re off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!”

Everyone, and I mean literally everyone, is staring at us. I’m so glad when the doors shut on “because, because, because, because” partially because it’s embarrassing that I’m now humming along, with a great big smile on my face.

Caroline is just like that. She’s sunshine in a bottle. But God help those who get on the wrong side of her. She’s a force to be reckoned with. Her mind can work in evil ways.

We arrive at Carl’s room, and I lean forward to open the door. “Your audience awaits, your highness!” Caroline acts like an idiot, taking a deep bow, which has everyone chuckling. Ally is raising her brow at me as I’m still humming. Damn song, I can’t get it out of my head now.

“Blame her.” I point at Caroline and shrug at Ally.

“Lord have mercy, please, take me now! I cannot stand this female crazy any longer!” he raises his clasped hands skywards, imitating intense prayer. Caroline stomps over to him.

“Right, I see you need some of my special magic to sort you out chicken!” Chicken? I cannot believe she just called a fully grown biker chicken. I try hard to subdue the laughter.

“Chicken?” Carl echoes my very thoughts.

“Chicken,” Caroline confirms. “As in the cute little feathery animal.” She elaborates. Ally is looking out of the window, trying her best not to laugh.

“Chicken? I’m no chicken, you wicked witch! I’m a full grown, sexy man, I have you know, who happens to be incapacitated! Do you see feathers? Do You?” Carl’s voice is getting louder, and his consternation shows.

Caroline shrugs, grabs his hip and shoulder, and says, “You asked for it, my special dose of ‘Caroline’s Happy Medicine’. Might not make you happy, but it sure will me.” As she speaks, she rolls Carl onto his side, with him protesting loudly, raises her hand and smacks his ass soundly, not once but twice. By this time, Ally and I are howling like hyenas with laughter. Tears are rolling down my cheeks, partially from laughing so hard, partially from my returning headache. Ally is leaning forward, slapping her knees.

“Oh my god, I can’t breathe,” she choke-cough-laughs. Meanwhile, Caroline is smiling down at Carl.

“Now then, biker, is that better? Feels much better now, doesn’t it?” she teases Carl, whose look of sheer shock is a picture.

“Fuck off,” he grouses at Caroline.

“Now, now, language, young man, or I’ll have to get the orderly to help me wash your mouth out. Wire brush and Clorox is all I have as a reply for you.” She smiles brightly at Carl, appearing enthusiastic about the idea.

Carl’s eyes go wide as he sputters out, “

Carl’s eyes go wide as he sputters out, “Whatever,” and throws himself around in the bed to face the wall. I hear him grumble, “Abuse . . . I call abuse by three witches. The wicked one from the East, West, and South!”

When Caroline puts on her best witch voice and cackles, “Don’t you forget it, dear boy,” that does it. I’m almost falling out of the wheelchair, wheezing, howling, and groaning in pain, and crying, laughing, and snorting all at the same time. Ally sinks down to the floor.

“I think I just literally peed myself,” she chokes out, which has Caroline laughing again. And when Caroline laughs, everyone laughs. Her laughter is infectious, and not just because she snort-laughs, but she really sounds like a cackling witch.

The door flies open, and Chloe runs in. “What the hell?” Looking from one to the other, her eyes rest on Carl still showing us his backside, only half-covered by his blanket and gown from when he threw himself onto his side like a sulking child. Seeing us fighting the ongoing laughter, she just shrugs and eagerly joins us.

“What have I missed?”

Carl groans, “ I’m in hell!” This starts us all off again, and Caroline sidles up to Chloe.

“Hey, lovely lady, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Caroline.” She stretches out her hand as if to shake Chloe’s and at the last moment changes her mind and hugs her instead.

Chloe giggles. “Nice to meet you. I’m Chloe, the nurse in charge for today.” Turning to Carl, she says, “Nice ass,” then she turns and walks out of the room.

Ally and Caroline, finally calm again, look at each other and then at Carl. Ally sighs and says, “I could do with a coffee.” Caroline nods and they both look at me questioningly.

“No, thanks, I’m okay, but you go. I’ll stay here like a good girl,” I reply to the unspoken question.

Ally squeezes my shoulder as she walks out, and Caroline throws a “behave yourself,” over her shoulder. Finally, the room is quiet. I wheel myself closer to Carl’s bed. He turns toward me, and I struggle to hide the shock I’m feeling.

He’s changed a lot in a couple of days. The pallor of his skin is frightening, and his eyes look more sunken. He looks as though he’s lost weight, but it’s difficult to tell with him being in bed and under blankets.

“How are you doing, darlin’?” I ask him softly. When he replies, I have to swallow hard to hold back tears.

“I’m not great, princess, not great. In pain most of the time and exhausted. Not been out of bed for a couple of days, and when I am, I’m so tired, it doesn’t last long. Always having someone here leaves me with little to no time for myself to think. I feel like a burden being babysat, with a lot of false happiness and good spirits projected toward me.

“I’m a grown man, for fuck’s sake. I know my body better than any of those quacks. The little time I do have to myself, I spend contemplating my life, thinking about things I should have done, could have done differently, and trying to make peace with not being able to change anything. Time is running out, Ashley, I can feel it. The pain is getting stronger every day, and it’s unbearable at times, despite the medication I’m getting. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

He has tears in his eyes, and I’m lost for words, just nodding and squeezing his hand.

He’s right, he knows his body better than anyone, and the change in him is severe, physically and mentally, from when I last saw him a few days ago.

“Can they not give you stronger pain relief?” I ask.

“I’m already on morphine, honey. What else could they possibly give me? I’ve spoken to the doctor and asked for a syringe pump to be fitted so the medication gets to me all the time. They’ll set that up this afternoon. I just cannot deal with this pain anymore,” he answers, the suffering clear in his voice breaking my heart. His untouched breakfast tray remains on the table, and even the chocolate bars are intact. He’s a chocoholic, so for him not to open them is a damning sign.

“I need you to listen to me, Ashley, and hear me.” I’ve asked the doctor’s to complete a DNR form. I do not want to be resuscitated under any circumstances . Not the way I am now. If the situation changes, the form will be revised, but as things are now, I don’t want any life-prolonging invasive treatments. I don’t want to end up hooked on machines. I’d hate to wake up only to die later or become a vegetable. So, should anything go wrong, please make sure you respect my wishes and let me go.”

His voice breaks and his eyes brim with tears, and so do mine. This feels like him saying goodbye and I’m not ready to let my friend go. But equally, I respect his ability to make his own independent choices and voice his wishes. So, I nod and hope this situation will not arise. We sit quietly, holding hands, trying to collect and compose ourselves, until Chloe walks in. She looks at both of us and quietly hugs first Carl and then me in unspoken understanding, empathy radiating from her.

“Carl, I’m free after my break. The doctor has just asked me to set up your twenty-four-hour syringe pump. I can do it once I’m back. Is that okay with you? Is this still what you want?” she asks, her tone conveying how seriously she takes her job and Carl’s request.

“Chloe, I would be very grateful if you could do this as soon as you can. My pain is off the scale right now and I’m struggling to cope.” Carl grimaces, clearly in agony.

“Do you need me to give you a shot?” Chloe asks.

“Yes, please. Now, if you can,” Carl replies between clenched teeth. Chloe nods and walks away. It hurts my heart to see Carl like this. I feel helpless, knowing there is nothing I can do to change things for him, to make things better for him. I just pray we’ll find a donor in time.

Chloe returns with an injection and a second nurse. They carry a large tray with a funny, rectangular shaped box, a large syringe and more lines and needles.

“We got everything sorted for you,” Chloe tells Carl calmly. She leans over and gives him his injection, after checking Carl’s details with him. They then proceed to set up the pump, switching it on and signing Carl’s charts. Chloe turns to me and Carl and starts explaining,

“This is a syringe pump that continuously delivers your morphine and a medication to stop you from feeling sick. It takes a few hours to be fully effective. That’s why I’ve given you the extra injection to tie you over. You won’t get regular morphine as tablets anymore. The problem with them is that they start working, sort out your pain, and then as they tail off, the pain returns. With this pump, you have constant pain relief. You’ll have to ask for extra if you need it, and then we can discuss it with the doctor.” Carl nods in understanding, relaxing a little as his medication cuts in.

“Can he give himself extra doses?” I ask, worried he might try to do something stupid.

“No, he can’t. That function is locked out, and as you can see, the pump is in a locked box. So, no one other than nurses or doctors, can give extra doses,” she explains.

Carl seems a bit more relaxed but looks tired. So, we sit in silence for a while. “Is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all?” I ask him. He sighs and shakes his head.

“Not at the moment, sweetheart. I’m just so tired, I really want to sleep,” he answers, fatigue making his skin look gray.

“Just rest and sleep, Carl. It’s okay, I don’t mind. I’ll just wait for Ally and Caroline to return and ask them to take me back,” I tell him, stroking his cheek.

“Actually, princess, there is something you could do. Speak to Raven and have him scale down the visits. It’s just exhausting to have someone here all the time. I get fed up seeing the prospects’ ugly mugs. Please explain to him for me, will ya?” I nod my promise.

“Sure, I’ll make sure the circus leaves town, Carl. Don’t worry. Even if I have to post a guard outside your door, or even better, post Caroline outside your door. That would teach them, huh?” I try to joke, which earns me one of his smiles, and it reaches his eyes. Quiet returns, and he’s fast asleep within minutes.

I can hear the girls coming down the corridor. I turn toward the opening door and hiss. “Shh,” I whisper-shout at them. “Shush! He’s just dropped off.” Ally grabs my wheelchair, motions for Caroline to about turn. We leave the room and make our way back to mine.

They both look at me with huge eyes as we sit in my room, and I bring them up to date on the conversation and wishes Carl had voiced to me.

“I don’t like this,” Ally croaks, clearly affected by what I’m telling them. Caroline is serious for once.

“Hey, I watched my friend in Montana go through something similar. She knew she was dying way before anyone else did. She told the doctors, and was right, despite all the poison they pumped into her to try to cure this horrible disease. So, we can’t and should not dismiss what Carl says or feels. We have to take this seriously. I’ll speak to Dawg, and Ally, you should talk to Sparks. They can put the word out. We’ll leave Raven to you, as you’re most likely to see him way before any of us.” She sighs.

The mood has turned somber. The nurse comes in and checks me over. “Looks all good. The doctor will come and see you shortly, then you’ll be free to go,” she chirps, annoying all of us with her jovial mood.

“Okay, my lovely, we are going and leaving you to it then. I’m sure the guys will be here soon to pick you up. Oh, and before I forget, no fancy sex acrobatics when you get home. Don’t want to come and have to administer my special medicine for orgasm-imposed headaches.” She wags her finger at me and grins. Though her smile is not quite convincing.

Ally hugs me goodbye and invites Vegas and me over for dinner tomorrow evening. I wave them off and take a deep breath. It’s been a hell of a twenty-four hours, and a lot to take in. I still can’t remember what happened last night, but more importantly, Carl’s words keep repeating themselves in my mind.