Page 20

I giggle at myself, feeling his eyes on me. I know they are glued to my ass, which I sway a little more than usual for me. It is fun teasing him. My doubts and bad mood left me as soon as he came out to great me. His place is amazing, with tight as hell security. I spotted the cameras at the turn of his drive. I don’t blame him. Privacy is scarce nowadays.

Opening the trunk of my car, I get my biker boots, leather jacket, and helmet out. I perch on the driver’s seat, shove into my boots, and fasten the clasps and zips. Unworn for years, but they still fit, and feel so comfortable. I throw my jacket on, pull my soft leather gloves out of the helmet, and walk toward the garage. I bought the helmet new today. It is full faced—I value my jaw and teeth, thank you very much—a dark burgundy metallic red with blacked out mirror visor. It looks bad ass, if I do say so myself.

The garage door rattles open, and Vegas rides the Rocker out. Looking at him, steels my breath away. Devastatingly handsome, wrap around glasses hiding his piercing gray eyes. I walk around the bike, lower the passenger pegs, and put my helmet and gloves on. I swing my leg over the bike, which is already rumbling and vibrating. Adjust my position, scoot closer to Vegas, clamp my thighs around his hips and wrap my arms around him. This feels amazing. He pushes a button on the bars. The garage door creaks as it shuts, and the gate opens as we ride toward it. So cool! I smile and relax. I trust him to keep us safe. He’s a very experienced rider.

We hit the highway and head north toward Rice Lake. After a little while, we stop to fuel up. Half an hour later, we are at the shore of Rice Lake. The ride has flown by. I wait for his signal and get off. Taking a deep breath of the fragrant woodland air, I take off my helmet and run my hands through my hair. I hand my lid and gloves to Vegas, who locks everything in his saddlebags. He holds out his hand. I grab it and we start walking.

He looks at me and asks, “Princess, I meant to ask, how’s Flakey doing? I know you see him regularly and send the prospects for meals. I haven’t had time to catch up with him. Things have been crazy the last few days.”

I can feel the blood draining from my face and take a deep breath. I need to sit down before my legs go out from under me.

“Ashley, are you alright? What’s the matter? Here, sit down. I’ll run back and get you some water.” I can hear Vegas’s concerned voice like it’s coming through a long tunnel.

???

Five hours ago . . .

“Hey, honey!” I smile brightly at Carl and wink at Dawg sitting on a chair next to him.

“Time for me to go. I’ll leave you two lovebirds to it. Dougal will be here later tonight, Flakester, to be your night guard. You’ve worn the prospects out.” Dawg laughs, and Carl waves him off.

“Fuck off already. Your ass stinks, and I can’t stand any more of your evil curry farts anyway, you smelly bastard!”

“Tell Dougal to bring a card game, burgers, and beer,” he shouts after Dawg.

I watch the door close, and Carl instantly sags back into his pillows. His face pale and sallow, his eyes tired. I sit on the side of his bed.

“You got the results, I take it?” I ask. My heart is hammering in my chest, and a feeling of doom settles over me. Carl looks at me and I can see him fighting tears.

“Yes, Ash, the results came back. It’s advanced acute myeloid leukemia. The biopsy results were not good, and my blood tests weren’t encouraging either. They are discussing treatment tomorrow, but it isn’t looking hopeful. Ashley, I don’t know what to do.” A sob escapes him, and I instinctively wrap him in my arms and hold him close. I snuggle up to him on the bed, stroke his hair, and try to comfort him as best as I can while my heart is breaking for him, for me and the club. I hit the call button for the nurse.

“Carl, can I speak to the doctors and the nurse please?” I ask him, and he nods, unable to speak. He’s seriously unglued, distraught.

The door opens and Chloe walks in, a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes plastered on her face.

“Hey, what do you need?” She takes one look at Carl and takes a step toward him. I hold up my hand and send her a pleading look. She nods at me.

“Chloe, could I have a word with you about Carl’s condition?” I ask.

Chloe looks at Carl and asks, “Is that okay, Carl? Can I share information with Ashley? If you agree, I put it in the notes and mark her and Raven as your official next of kin, so you don’t have to answer this question every time.” Carl turns his head away but nods.

I follow Chloe out of the room and into the relatives room, where she offers me a cup of coffee.

“I think I could do with something stronger right now.” I sigh. She grabs hold of my hand and smiles at me, sadness written all over her face.

“I take it he told you about his results,” she says. I can only nod with tears in my eyes. She stands and hugs me tight, while my eyes fill with tears. She gently rubs my back and is just there to comfort me. After a while, I can sit up straighter.

“Give me the truth, Chloe. How bad is it?” I ask, not sure whether I really want to hear the answer.

She sighs and looks me straight in the eye. “It’s bad, Ashley. His results are one of the worst I’ve seen. The doctors are discussing chemotherapy, but also a palliative approach. The chances are, he won’t make it through the full chemo cycle. I’m so sorry. We’ll know more tomorrow when the doctors have discussed it with all the other teams.” Tears are now flowing freely, both from Chloe and myself.

“Is there anything we can do? Can we help in any way?” I snivel, and Chloe wipes her eyes and blows her nose.

“Not at the moment, Ashley, but I promise to let you know if there is. The only thing you could do is try to persuade him to tell his family. He told me he has no blood relatives, that the club is his only family?” I nod at Chloe. That’s about right.“Try to persuade him to let them know, Ashley, so he isn’t alone in dealing with this,” she pleads with me.

“I’ll try Chloe, but he’s a stubborn ass sometimes,” I choke out.

“You’re telling me,” she teases through tears.

“Chloe, please look after him. He’s my brother from another mother. I love him as though he were my own blood,” I plead with Chloe. She nods at me, grabs my hand, and squeezes it tight.

“He’s a great guy, and I would do anything for him, Ashley. I’m so impressed by how the club looks after him. We all are. There’s hardly a day where he’s on his own. He needs that support right now.” I nod and stand. Chloe is good people. I hug her and open the door.

“Thank you, Chloe, for everything.”

I stand outside in the hall trying hard to regain my composure, struggling to compute what I just heard. Carl is one of the nicest people I know. How can this happen to him? Where is the fairness in all of this? Breathing deeply, I steel myself. I can’t crumble now.

I need to be strong for Carl. He’ll need my support.

I walk back in and find Carl staring out of the window, not turning toward me as I enter. His shoulders are hunched, and he looks despondent.

My heart aches unbearably, seeing him like this. I can see his shoulders shake, know instinctively that he’s in tears. I so much want to make everything better for him, do the fighting for him, but I can’t. All I can do is to be there for him and lend him my strength. I sit on the edge of his bed, not saying a word, just putting my hand on his shoulder to transfuse him with some of my strength and willpower. I’ll fight for my friend, no matter what.

“Ash, please leave. I don’t want you to see me like this, and I need to get my head around this bombshell that just dropped into my lap.” Carl’s broken, rough voice reaches me. He hasn’t turned around to face me. My heart is breaking for him, and I have to hold back my tears, struggling to stay in control.

“Okay, honey, I’ll leave for now. But I will be back tomorrow, the day after, and every day after that! You will get through this. I will be by your side every step of the way. Promise you will call if you need me, even if just to talk things through. And please, please, tell Raven so he can support you. The club can support you. They’re your brothers, your family. We love you and want to be here for you.” I sigh, sensing him fighting for control.

“I’m going now, honey, but please think about what I said.” Bending down, I kiss his tear-stained cheek and squeeze his bicep. My legs feel as though they are loaded with led, as does my heart, as I slowly walk out of the door and out of the building.

???

“Here, baby, drink.” I can hear Vegas’s voice through the dull roar of the blood in my ears. Mechanically, I grab the bottle he’s holding out to me and put it to my lips. After a few small sips, I feel sick, turn around and vomit up what I have just taken in.

“Ashley, what the fuck? What’s wrong? Are you sick? You’re scaring me here. Talk to me! What’s wrong?” Vegas’s voice is full of concern and worry.

I can’t help it. The tears I’ve been holding back all afternoon run down my face, and I sob uncontrollably. Vegas’s strong arms lif me, and then gently lower me on his lap as he sits on the ground and gently rocks me while I cry. I can’t stop and am hiccupping with the force of my anguish and anger. Why him? Life had dealt him such a crap hand as it was. He doesn’t deserve this.

“Shh, darlin’, shh, I’m here. Everything will be okay.” I hear Vegas’s tender voice trying to calm me, to soothe me, but I bury my head in his shoulder and just cry harder.

No idea how long we sat on the ground here—Vegas still rocking me—but it must have been a while. Darkness is closing in, and the moon and stars are coming out. Somehow, that soothes my aching soul a little. I lift my head and look into Vegas’s serious eyes. His tone is gentle when he speaks.

“Ashley, are you better now? What brought this on? You scared me, darlin’. I hate to see you hurting and not being able to do something about it. Will you please tell me what’s going on?”

My insides are warring. I promised Carl not to tell, but this is just too big for me alone to carry. Vegas cares, that much is clear. I can see it in his eyes, and feel it in the way he holds and supports me here. He hands me a packet of tissues. I look up at him and give him a small nod. After I’ve blown my nose and dried my tears, I shuffle around in his lap to find a comfortable position, needing to feel surrounded by his warmth, protected and safe, without having to look at him directly.

“I’ll tell you, Vegas, but please don’t be mad at me.” I can feel him stiffen but take a deep breath.

“It’s Flakey . . . Carl. He’s one of my best friends, like a brother to me. I love him dearly, and before you jump to conclusions, it’s not like that. As a brother.” I can feel him relax slightly. His hand rubs up and down my arm, comforting me. “I went to see him earlier. It was awful, Vegas. He has the results of his biopsy, and the doctors say he has advanced acute myeloid leukemia.”

Vegas takes in a deep breath, his body tightening, his arms holding me tighter. “I realize this isn’t good Ashley, but what does it mean?” Vegas asks quietly. I lean my head on his shoulder and look up at the sky.

“It’s an aggressive form of blood cancer Vegas. I spoke to his nurse. Carl gave permission and both Raven and I are named next of kin for him. His chances are not good. They are discussing treatment tomorrow. I’ve tried to keep his secret for almost a week now and I just can’t any longer. Please don’t be mad. I knew before the biopsy that this was likely the cause of his problems, but he made me swear to keep it a secret. I wasn’t even allowed to tell Raven.” I can hear Vegas draw in a shocked breath. “ It broke him Vegas, seriously broke him. This hit him like a sledgehammer. He made me leave, and was in tears when I did,” I stutter.

“I’m scared Vegas, for him, for me, just scared out of my mind. I can’t lose my friend!” I cry out. All my anguish in those words. My fear, my grief, my sadness, desperation. I’ve thrown all those built-up, pent-up feelings into my words and, with that, into Vegas’s lap.

Unable to look him in the eye, I know he will be at least disappointed, if not mad, that I kept such a big secret. From him, from the club.

Vegas sits stock still. I try to move myself away a little, get a little distance between us. “Don’t do that,” he scolds me. He has every right to.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have kept it to myself,” I whisper, feeling desolate.

“Ashley, I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about you pulling back. Creating distance!” he scolds. “Turn around and look at me!” he orders. I comply.

“Listen to me and listen good! Am I disappointed? Yeah, I sure as shit am. Disappointed that he felt he couldn’t talk to me. Am I mad at you? I sure am. Mad that you didn’t trust me enough to know I’d get it, be there for you, catch you when you fall, and keep your confidence. Ashley, don’t keep serious shit like that from me. Ever,” he grouses.

I nod, my eyes held captive by his, seeing pain, guilt, and such a mix of emotion in them. His eyes tell more than words could.

“I’ve been asking myself for a long time now whether I missed something, whether I let my brother down. He hasn’t seemed himself for a while now, but we all just dismissed it because he can be, well, a little flaky. Then we blamed it on Karen and the work at the bar. Now, I wish I’d dragged his sorry ass to the doctor and made him have a check-up.” He sighs.

“I’m so sorry, Ashley. I know you two are close, and I’ll keep your secret for now. But not forever. The club needs to know. See if you can persuade him to speak to Raven. I won’t let on to Flakey that I know either. Unless, of course, he tells me himself. Now come here, let me hold you.” He draws me closer and gently places his lips on mine. It is the sweetest kiss I’ve ever had. I feel so damn protected and safe.

After a few moments, Vegas moves me off him and gets up, holding his hand out. I grasp his, and he pulls me to my feet. “Time to head back,” he murmurs. I keep my hand in his as we slowly make our way back to the bike. All through the ride, my head is full and I can’t escape my thoughts. My mind will just not switch off, and my thoughts keep returning to Carl and his pain. With that, my anxiety rises, minute by minute. I’m antsy and struggle to sit still. As we pull into the garage, I know what I need to do.

I take my helmet off and shrug out of my gloves, handing both to him and then I follow him into the house. Just inside the door, I stop and look at him. It’s now or never. He looks at me questioningly, and I take a deep breath.

“Vegas, please, I need you to take me out of my head.” I nervously shift from one foot to the other. I just can’t seem to keep my anxiety from taking physical form. “I can hardly breathe. My anxiety is sky high, and my head and heart just hurt. Please, Vegas,” I beg.

He stands there for a few long moments, just looking at me. “Ashley, are you sure what you’re asking me here?” he narrows his eyes at me.

“Yes, I am, Vegas. I’m not asking, I’m begging. Please make me feel better. Take me out of my head.” The tears return to the back of my eyes, and I watch his internal debate clearly mirrored on his expressive face. I know when he resigns and steels himself. I let out a slow, long breath I didn’t realize I was holding and send a quick prayer upwards . I got a taste of a softer side, but right now, I need the other Vegas.