Page 49 of Unmasking Love (D.C. Renegades #1)

Harper

Object Permanence

I’ve never felt so alone.

The silence is a physical presence each morning when I wake up on Wes’s sofa.

I’m not proud of running away.

I’m not proud that it’s been two weeks.

I just can’t get myself past the hurt.

It was clear to me Aiden doesn’t really want me around. He has only shared his feelings in the heat of an argument. When I was feeling low about myself. Probably his misguided attempt to comfort me.

I can only assume he didn’t tell me about the assists record because he doesn’t want to share his life with me.

I remember blinking away the tears as I drove home.

My mind reeling with how I thought this relationship was something it wasn’t.

Berating myself for getting it wrong. Again.

I tried to do what Wes had done before the game and give myself the “your inner thoughts are ridiculous” speech but I wasn’t super convincing.

And then he texted to say he wasn’t coming home. So I packed.

I wasn’t going to wait around to be dismissed by Aiden. Even now, two weeks later, my chest contracts at the thought of hearing him destroy what we were building. That would be unimaginably painful.

So, here I am, sitting at my desk feeling like I’m hollow inside.

I’m not really reading the emails that sit unopened in front of me.

I lift my phone and read the texts from Aiden again.

They’ve played in six games over the last two weeks and Aiden has texted me multiple times a day.

It hurts to read them. But it also soothes something inside me.

WEDNESDAY 8:16 PM

Harper, please call me. I miss you.

Harper, I want to fix whatever I did. Call me.

THURSDAY 3:43 PM

Off to the game with the team.

THURSDAY 11:54 PM

Back in my room. Do you want to talk?

I should tell you that Felix, all the boys, know something is wrong.

They’re rooting for us.

FRIDAY 9:27 AM

I saw a squirrel eating an apple today and it made me think of you.

But not in a weird way.

In a, I wish I could tell Harper about this, way.

FRIDAY 9:33 AM

Sorry I texted you about the squirrel. I’m just so lost without you. I miss hearing your laugh and talking about your day. Any new and exciting clients to tell me about?

FRIDAY 6:13 PM

Have you ever been to Seattle?

SATURDAY 1:03 AM

My parents came to the Arizona game tonight. It was really good to see them. They asked about you and I told them you were great. In a way I hope you are. But in another, selfishly, I hope you’re as heart broken as I am.

SUNDAY 10:08 AM

What’s your favorite type of french fry? Mine’s curly but I haven’t had fries in years. I’ve been craving them today .

MONDAY 5:18 PM

I haven’t watched any Supernatural without you but I’m dying to know what happens next.

TUESDAY 6:31 AM

If Wes didn’t tell you already, I texted him. I just needed to know you were safe.

TUESDAY 2:40 PM

This hotel room smells funny. It’s not bad, it’s not good, just weird. Like air freshener in a basement or something.

TUESDAY 2:58 PM

What’s the latest report on the house?

TUESDAY 11:28 PM

Overtime was tough tonight. I was dead on my feet. But I’m glad we snagged the win.

WEDNESDAY 11:03 AM

This is the longest road trip I’ve been on and it is killing me. I just want to be home .

WEDNESDAY 1:18 PM

Montreal has the cutest little cafes. Can I bring you here sometime?

YESTERDAY 4:02 PM

Someone farted on the bus and I’m concerned for the health of my teammates.

TODAY 8:08 AM

I’ll be home late tonight after the game. Can I see you tomorrow?

Will you at least come to the game tomorrow night?

He sent those last two this morning.

I click over to my calendar and sigh because I have no excuse. Well, none besides being afraid of what’s going to happen. And no reason not to go to the game.

Leads have been slower recently.

With spring on the horizon, I should be fielding new requests left and right. I poke my head up over the half wall that creates my office space and see all my colleagues are on the phone with clients. And the ones that aren't at their desks are probably off on a showing or at a meeting.

I know I’ve been in a funk these last two weeks but today is the first day I’ve let it interfere with my work. My concentration is finally blown.

When Claire gets off the phone next to me I lean over the partition and ask, "Hey was that a new client?"

"Yes!" She cheers. "I've been swamped lately!"

Weird.

I smile at her to mask my surprise and tap my fingers lightly on my keyboard while I think.

Most new leads come through the website. People can pick us directly or submit a general inquiry which get shuffled through us like a batting order.

I navigate to the Agent page on the website and down to the Junior Agent section. I scroll through it and don't see my name. I scroll back up through the other sections in case my title changed and I didn't realize it but I don't see my headshot anywhere.

I hit ctrl+f and search for my name on the page.

Nothing.

What the hell?

I stand from my desk so quickly that my chair slides back and hits the wall along the back of my workspace. Claire lifts her head while on another call and I storm past her to Crispin's office.

I've avoided one-on-one interaction with him since he cheated. I skipped the holiday party and didn't attend a mixer he hosted at a new listing because I was at Aiden's game.

"I'm sorry Ms. Daniels," Raquel says as I approach Crispin's office. "He's not-"

She stops speaking when I let myself in and slam the door behind me.

"Harper?" Crispin says as he looks up from his computer.

"Why am I not listed on the website anymore?" I ask, getting right to the freaking point because just being this close to him gives me the heebie-jeebies.

"Well, after you broke up with me-"

"You mean after you cheated on me." I correct.

"Potato, Potahto," I raise an eyebrow at him and want to scream but instead I cross my arms over my chest and decide to bite my tongue.

I taste blood.

"You were removed from the website."

"You can't do that!" I protest, wishing I had more of an argument.

"I can, once I told Dad how you ended things by yelling at me in front of your client, who still hasn't bought a home by the way, he put you on probation which means you're not listed on the website. It's company policy."

"Is it also company policy to get blow jobs from your assistant at properties we're representing? Is it also policy to not tell an employee you're removing them from the lead flow?"

"Hey," Crispin looks pissed. "Don't talk about Raquel like that."

I scoff. "Seriously? I can't believe this. Okay, I'm taking my clients and I won't be back."

"You can't take your clients, those belong to the agency!" He yells after me as I storm out and slam the door again.

I laugh like a maniac as I grab the few personal items I keep at my desk.

I laugh as I put them in my car and return the car magnet with the firm logo on it that we use for illegal parking purposes.

I laugh as I drive away from the office.

The tears only come as I drive past my house on my way to Wes's.

I pull over and park out front. The walls inside are up, they're finished with the floors.

Electrical is new. Plumbing is updated. The windows have been replaced.

And while the house still has the same exterior appearance I know it's different inside.

A shudder runs through me.

What if I'm the same? What if the time I spent with Aiden was just a facelift? It didn't really improve me, it just felt good to change things up a little bit.

A part of me refuses to believe that. What Aiden and I share is special and it has changed me. That's why I'm feeling so torn up about this rift between us.

When I broke up with Crispin I was more upset that Aiden didn’t get to see the house. But this time, I am infinitely more upset about the loss of Aiden than I am concerned about my job.

Yes, I've been upset about past breakups but nothing compared to the cold depth I feel inside without Aiden.

I wipe my tears and pull away from the house. I can’t handle going inside yet. Aiden gave me the confidence to make this home what I always envisioned it could be. And without him I'm not sure how homey it will feel.

***

"Harper Emily Daniels. What is the meaning of this?" Wes scolds as he steps over a duffel bag I packed hastily two weeks ago.

"Sorry.” I scoot off the sofa and pull the bag over to the side and out of the way.

"No, I mean what is the meaning of you leaving Aiden? And then ghosting him? The boy is a damn wreck."

I know he is.

Tonight he called before his game. It’s the last of this road trip and he sounded exhausted in his voicemail. He begged me to see him tomorrow and I closed the rest of the message because it was too painful to listen.

I forced myself to watch his game tonight.

I couldn’t stay away. I’m in this purgatory where I don’t have him but if I go back to him it could end.

His messages are full of “miss you”s and “want to talk to you”s but I’m not convinced he believes his words.

I walked away because he couldn’t do the hard thing and leave me.

I did it for him because he didn’t want to tell me about the assists record.

I made the decision after he held things back.

But my heart still longs for him. He looked stiff when he took the ice tonight. His usual fluidity and relaxed set to his shoulders was gone. He played with an aggression I hadn't seen from him before.

They won. He stopped all forty shots they threw at him.

But I didn't see him smile once.

"He's been calling you?" I ask Wes who has crossed his arms and is tapping his foot as he waits impatiently for me to tell him what's going on.

"Yes, he's been calling me! To make sure you're okay. Because he doesn't understand what happened. He's asking if he can talk to you. If I'll pass on a message. It's borderline pathetic but I understand it because I love you so much."

"I'll answer his phone call, tomorrow." I promise begrudgingly.

"Fine. Now do you care to explain what the hells bells happened?"

I roll my eyes but make room on the sofa for Wes. He sits down next to me and I take a bracing inhale.

"He didn't want me there."

"He said that?" Wes asks.

"Well, no, but it was really clear when he won some stat record at the game I didn't even know he was going for. Ivanna knew. And then he didn't want to see me that night. He stayed at Felix's or something. Probably to celebrate this momentous career achievement, without me."

"Oh lawd. Enough with the pity party!" Wes throws his hands up in the air. "Listen, Harp, I love you, you know I do. And I don't know everything about you and your mom and why you think the way you do but let me be clear. Love is more than object permanence."

"What?"

"Did you still love me when I was across the country for work this week?"

"Yeah, you're my best friend."

"Right. And does this breakup feel worse than any others?"

Tears spring in my eyes and I look away from Wes to hide them.

"I thought so," he continues. "Do you know why?"

I do.

It’s because my heart and soul have changed because of Aiden. Our connection was cellular from the first moment we saw each other. He’s been in-stride with me since we got together, even pushing me forward.

He’s been patient, understanding, and encouraging.

He’s become my everything.

It’s time I say it out loud.

“Because I love Aiden.” I whisper.

Wes pulls me in for a hug. The embrace kills any resistance I had left and I sink into his arms and cry the tears I've been battling to keep at bay.

"I'm not saying he's right for not sharing the record with you or whatever, but you have to give him a chance to explain why he didn't. And then you have to tell him why that hurt."

He rubs my back gently as I continue to sob. I’m sad it took me so long to put this all together. And while I know I need to return to Aiden, I’m not sure how.

Can I just show up?

Should I call? Text?

Will he be ready to listen to me and my fears?

I hiccup and Wes pats my back. I turn towards him and sniffle. “I quit my job today.”

He stares at me for a beat and then slowly nods. “Couldn’t have just one crisis at a time could you?”