Page 17

Chapter Seventeen

TYLER

“Coming.” I run through a list in my head. I didn’t put in any maintenance requests. I’m not expecting any packages.

When I get to the door, I find Nathan and Colt grinning at me. “Hi,” Nathan says. I can tell he’s holding himself back, which I’d appreciate more if I didn’t know I’d be answering a lot of questions later. “Are you going to introduce us?” Nathan asks.

“No.”

“Hi, I’m Graham Stevens.” Graham sticks his hand in front of me. Shit . My boyfriend—if I’m allowed to call him that—is way too polite.

“I’m Nathan, Tyler’s best friend, and this is my boyfriend, Colt.”

“Did you want to come in?” I shoot Graham a dirty look as he says it. He gives me a stern expression back, one that says I’m not getting out of this situation.

“We would love to.” Nathan marches past us and heads for the kitchen island, making himself at home. “We were running errands and thought we’d stop by to return the photography equipment we borrowed.”

Oh, fuck. That’s right. Nathan texted me early on Friday to let me know they’d bring it by. I loaned them my digital camera and tripod for a project. I didn’t ask what they were doing with it, and I don’t want to know. However, I made them promise that there wouldn’t be anything obscene on the memory card when they brought it back.

“Thanks for dropping it off. I’m sure you’re very busy and need to get going.” I take the big bag from Colt, who looks suspiciously at everyone in the room.

Nathan gives me a knowing look. “We’ve got time.”

“In that case, you should join us for breakfast,” Graham says.

I’ve heard about cases where people who are dating can give each other looks and communicate telepathically. We aren’t at that point yet because every look on my face conveys how much I want them to leave.

“Oh, they don’t—” I start to reply, but Nathan cuts me off.

“We’d love to.” Nathan slides into one of the seats at the counter.

“We brought some pastries, too, as a thank you. Figured it was the least we could do.” Colt holds up a big purple box from my favorite bakery. Fuck, now even Colt is against me. I thought I liked him.

“We have food being delivered in a few minutes, and we overordered, so there will be plenty for everyone.” I remind myself that I like how nice and hospitable Graham is. It’s one of his best qualities, the ability to talk to anyone about anything. Usually. Right now, I wish his ability was to make people go the fuck away.

So much for my relaxing morning. Right now, my heart’s about to beat out of my chest.

“I’ll brew another pot of coffee,” Nathan offers. And, just like that, somehow, my friends are meeting Graham.

They busy themselves in the kitchen, raiding the fridge for things they want to add to breakfast. Even Colt seems to fit into the flow of things. For a moment, I forget why I hadn’t done this before. It’s the two parts of my life crashing into one another. Right now, everything looks great, but I’m waiting for the collision to go up in a ball of flames.

The next knock on the door is our food. I grab the bags from the guy and add them to the spread on the counter. We did overorder, but neither of us could decide what we wanted this morning. At least there’s plenty for everyone.

I look around the room. A good portion of the important people in my life are in the room. We’re missing a few people—mainly Matthias, Aaron, and my parents—but this is almost everyone. Together.

“I’ll be right back.” I’m not sure anyone hears me over their conversation, but I sneak off into the bedroom. I need a moment alone to collect my thoughts.

My kitchen is full of people I adore. That should make me happy. It does—honest—but it also makes me break out in a cold sweat.

I sink down on the bed, focusing on my breath. The room spins a bit, and I slam my eyes shut.

In.

Out.

Repeat.

I’m at least ten rounds in when there’s a soft knock on the door.

“You in here?” Nathan pushes his way inside.

“Sorry, I’ll be right out.”

“We can go. I’m sorry we barged in.” Nathan sits down next to me. Do I want him to leave? Not really. This needs to happen. My best friend should meet my boyfriend, even if that word still makes my chest swell. It would be better if I had control over the situation, but that’s clearly not happening.

“No, stay. Please.” I start to stand, hoping the dizziness is gone.

“I like him.” Nathan grins at me. “How long have you guys been dating?”

“Um… a while.” The guilt sets in. He’s asked me what’s new in my life at least a dozen times since Graham and I officially started dating. I could’ve told him at any of those times.

“Hmmm… well, I guess it’s time to give him the third degree.”

“Nathan—” It’s too late. He runs out of the room, cackling. Fuck . My best friend and my boyfriend. What could possibly go wrong?

GRAHAM

If I thought about what it would be like to meet Tyler’s friends, I could honestly say that in my wildest dreams, I wouldn’t be doing it in pajama pants and a sweatshirt. I certainly wouldn’t be doing it wearing fuzzy socks.

Here we are, though. Standing around the kitchen island, piling our plates high with an assortment of food. When everyone’s satisfied, we move to the small kitchen table. It’s a tight squeeze with four people, but we make it work.

Tyler sits next to me. I try to catch his gaze to check in, but he keeps his eyes fixed on his plate. Nathan checked on him earlier, but these surprises throw him off. Even if everyone here cares for him.

“I forgot to grab a few things for the table. Tyler, will you help me?” Tyler’s head pops up with a curious expression on his face, but he follows me back into the kitchen. We have everything a small army needs for breakfast on the table; I doubt there’s anything even left in the fridge unless we decide to start day-drinking.

“How are you doing?” I wrap him up in a loose hug so I can touch him while also looking into his eyes.

“Fine.” Liar . Tyler’s eyes dart back and forth.

“They’re kind of a lot this early in the morning.” He nods. “Your friends are nice, and they care about you a lot.” They might need to figure out better ways to show it. Maybe ones that didn’t send Tyler into an anxiety spiral.

“Yeah.” Tyler lays his head on my chest and sighs. I hold him close, not daring to move until his body relaxes a little. When we finally break apart, I give him a little smile and grab a bottle of ketchup from the fridge. He looks at me quizzically, then nods.

“Got it! Can’t have hashbrowns without ketchup.” I set the bottle on the table. If either of them wonders why getting the ketchup is a two-person job, they don’t ask.

“So, Tyler’s been tight-lipped about your relationship—ow.” Colt gives Nathan a stern look. “Don’t kick me. I want to know.”

“Well, I think Tyler and I are still working out the details.” Tyler focuses on his food, chewing slowly. I’m trying to be diplomatic here. I know he’s private about his life. I don’t want to give away too much, but they did find me here in my pajamas. They’re smart guys; I’m pretty sure they caught on.

“I see. And how did you two meet?”

Tyler sighs and jumps in. “We got matched up at speed dating.”

“Wait.” Nathan holds a hand up and looks back and forth between us. “The speed dating event that I signed you up for?”

Tyler nods. Nathan opens his mouth several times but always seems to think better of what he wants to say. I can already see the slew of text messages Tyler will get once they leave. For whatever it’s worth, at least his friends know how to shut up when the occasion calls for it.

Eventually, Colt butts in. “So, Graham, what do you do?”

“Well, right now, I’m the interim director of a local non-profit. Sprouting Joy? The director is out on maternity leave.” Neither of them shows any sign that they’ve heard of the place. It’s not huge, so I wouldn’t expect anyone to know about it unless they’ve crossed paths with the organization. Except that it’s a big part of Tyler’s life. Shouldn’t he have mentioned it once or twice? Even in passing when he talks about his week? It’s been five years since he started there, so surely there have been opportunities in conversation.

Though, I could say the same about our relationship. Even if it’s newer, we’ve been dating long enough that I expect he’d tell someone.

“And they hire you to… fill in?” Colt’s confusion isn’t new to me. It’s a weird thing to explain to people.

“Think of it like an executive-level temp. I take on short-term positions when people are either on medical leave or when they can’t replace someone quickly after they retire.”

“Isn’t that hard? Jumping from position to position without ever getting to know the place?” Nathan looks at Tyler when he asks.

“Yes and no. I like the challenge that comes with it, and getting to do a range of tasks keeps me pretty happy.” Until recently, I didn’t think twice about it either. Now, I can’t imagine a life without Tyler. I want him to stay in my life, which means I need to figure out how to stay in his.

“You know, my non-profit might be looking for someone to cover in the coming months.” Nathan chews a bit of his bread while I wait impatiently for him to continue. “Our director is finally going to retire, but it’s a bit sudden. I’m not sure our board is going to be able to do a search fast enough. Can I give them your name?”

“Of course. I’d appreciate that.” It’s a long shot. Most places can hire fast enough. In fact, most already have a few people in mind. Boards tend to stick to folks they know through personal contacts, which means there’s a short list at the ready. But I’ll take whatever I can get. Another short-term assignment in Cardinal Falls buys me more time to look for a permanent job here. “I don’t have any business cards at the moment, but Tyler can give you my contact information.”

Nathan and I easily fall into conversation about the world of non-profit fundraising. Colt and Tyler occasionally say something, but they’re mostly busy working through the feast on the table. One downside of the travel lifestyle is that although I might have a lot of friends, I rarely get opportunities like this to hang out with people who know me well. Sometimes, I get lucky and make a connection with someone, but often, it’s lonely. Text messages and video calls only go so far. Plus, those people have friend groups, one like Tyler’s gang, who meet up weekly.

Eventually, Nathan and Colt pack up to go home.

“Call me,” Nathan says as he hugs Tyler. “Seriously.”

“I will.” I’m sure Nathan will keep showing up in the morning if he doesn’t. I’m not against making Saturday brunch into a regular thing, but next time a little warning would be nice.

“Fucking, finally,” Tyler says as soon as the door’s closed. “I’m sorry. I swear they don’t usually invite themselves over.”

“I don’t mind, really.” He’s got friends who care deeply about him. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.” He chews on his lower lip.

“Why don’t your friends know about me?” It’s been on my mind for the last hour, and I can’t hold back any longer. “Are you ashamed of me or something?”

“God, no. Graham, it’s nothing like that.” Tyler slumps against the kitchen counter.

“Then what is it? Why wouldn’t you mention our relationship to your best friend?”

“It’s… I… I don’t usually share about my private life.” He stares at the counter.

“I get that. It’s one thing not to mention our initial meeting—though a little odd since they sent you on the date—but we’ve been dating for a while now. I thought we were serious.” We never had the conversation, but I thought it was implied. Guess that will teach me to assume.

“Technically, I told him about our first date right after. At the time, I thought you would be a one-night thing. I didn’t share your name or anything else with him.”

“But you haven’t mentioned anything since then?” Nathan looked completely blindsided this morning. Initially, I thought maybe Nathan showed up to snoop. But he looked clueless about the whole thing. “Why?” I’m the first to admit things started off rocky, but after the past couple of weeks, I thought it’d be clear that the two of us are serious.

“It didn’t come up?”

“Tyler.” I didn’t need to tell him what was wrong with that answer. “Have you told anyone about me? A friend, coworker, family?” A lump forms in my throat.

“Fuck, no. I’m private.”

“Why?” I keep coming back to the same question, the one I can’t shake. If this thing between us is real, then it shouldn’t be a secret. I don’t need to scream it from the rooftops—especially while we still work together—but some general inclusion in each other’s lives would be nice. “I’m not asking for you to share intimate details or give a play-by-play of our nights together. That’s kind of what friendship is. You have to share parts of yourself in order for others to be willing to share with you.” I pause and try to put my thoughts into some sort of order. “You say Nathan is your best friend, but he’s never heard of the place where you volunteer every week. He has no idea you have a boyfriend. I can only imagine what else he doesn’t know.”

Tyler lifts his head slightly but doesn’t respond. I take a few deep breaths to center myself. When I start again, I lower my voice. “I’ve talked to my sister, Charlotte, about you. A lot. Partly because I value her opinion and wasn’t always sure how to move forward with you, but also because I was excited. My brother Dan and I don’t talk as much, but I still send him a few texts about our relationship.” I pause to catch my breath. “If Steph weren’t weirdly in the middle of this, I’d have told her, too.” Keeping something this big from her weighs on me every day. It’ll be a long conversation once she’s back at work.

“I… I can’t.” Tyler’s words come out barely above a whisper.

“It’s not just that, though. If you don’t share those things with Nathan, it makes me wonder what secrets you’re keeping from me.” I expect him to jump in and say he has no secrets, but he doesn’t. Maybe I’m right on this. I don’t want to be, but it’s looking to be more and more likely. “I don’t need to know every detail about you right now. That’s part of the fun of dating, getting to know you. Finding out all those little bits and pieces. But I have to trust that you’ll tell me in time.”

“I want to.” His voice is small and weak. “But I’m worried once I crack everything open, things won’t be the same anymore.”

“Maybe that’s a good thing. Stuff never stays the same very long. If it did, I never would’ve ended up in Cardinal Falls or meeting you. Change is hard, but it’s also worth it.”

A tear rolls down Tyler’s face, and it shatters my heart.

“I think you should take a little time to think about what you want. Both from this relationship and from your friendships. I want you, Tyler, but only if you want to be in this relationship one hundred percent.” My chest pounds as the words fall out of my mouth. What if, after all this, he says no? It nearly broke my heart to walk away from him before, and we weren’t even officially dating then. Now, it feels like it might kill me. “Call Nathan or someone else, but call someone.”

But I mean what I said. I need him to be in this with me. He’s had at least a toe out the door the entire time. I don’t bother saying anything else. Tyler’s been a closed book since the first day. I knew what I was getting into, and while he’s opened up a little, it still feels like there are whole parts of him that are a complete mystery. Apparently, I’m not alone in that feeling. He needs time, though. Time to process his thoughts and think about what he wants to say. This circular conversation isn’t getting us anywhere.

In the bedroom, I grab the things I brought over for the night, intentionally leaving a few clothing items behind. This is not goodbye , I remind myself.

I hope this isn’t goodbye.

Tyler’s still in the same spot in the kitchen.

“Tyler, call Nathan.” I stand next to him and kiss the top of his head. Wet streaks run down his face, but he’s still quiet. “When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be on the other end of the phone. Promise.”

I let myself out of his apartment and almost make it to my car before the tears start streaming down my face. Am I doing the right thing by giving him space? No idea. I sure hope I am, though.