Page 6

FIVE

Alexia

One of my favorite things about myself is that I feel everything so deeply. That I love with all my heart, find even the smallest things so hilarious, or even cry at those Christmas commercials about pick-up trucks. But at times like this, I hate it. I hate that my brain takes even the slightest rejection and fixates on it, making me feel like I’ve done or said the dumbest or most horrible thing in human or shifter history. Eventually, whether it be later that day or longer, I’ll get through it and realize it wasn’t the end of the world, but in this moment, it crushes me.

And while most people wouldn’t see what just happened with Xander as a rejection, especially because he wasn’t rude or mean, I do. I meant it when I said that he didn’t have to tell me, because I don’t ever want to push him or anyone else to do anything they don’t want to do. But something about the way he said it.

No disrespect, Alexia, but I’m not having this conversation with you either .

With you.

Alexia.

That hurt.

I flop down on Kai’s bed and stare at the ceiling, clasping my hands on my belly, and I’m so focused on my thoughts that I don’t even hear the door open and shut.

“Lex?”

I look over at Kai as he’s kicking off his shoes. “Oh, hey.”

“What are you doing in here?” he asks, sitting on the edge of the bed, placing his arm over me and bracing himself on his palm. “Are you all right?”

I look up at him and don’t move a muscle, not wanting to scare him away since this is the closest he’s been to me since our first dance—well, with the exception of my starfish episode.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just didn’t sleep good last night. Lots of thoughts, ya know?”

“I get it. It was a new feeling, having someone sleeping beside me. It took forever for me to fall asleep. But you look like someone pissed in your Cheerios.”

I snort a laugh at the analogy. “My Cheerios are piss-free. It’s just...” I bite my bottom lip and search for the right words. “Do you ever have thoughts that you know are irrational, yet the feeling you get from them is so hard to shake? I sometimes feel like I say the dumbest things, but it’s too late because my mouth moves at the speed of the thoughts that really should stay inside. And my head is so jumbled that I don’t even realize what I did until the person I’m speaking with corrects me. And it doesn’t matter how kindly they say it; it always feels like an insult, even though logically I know it isn’t.”

He gently pinches my chin and forces me to look at him. The compassion radiating from his gaze pierces straight through me. “Whose ass do I need to kick?”

“No one’s,” I whisper. The last thing I want to do is reopen the rift between him and Xander. They made a little progress in closing it today. “It’s just a bunch of irrational thoughts.”

Kai gives me a tight-lipped smile. “You’ve always had a tender heart. I’ve always found it to be one of your most likeable traits.”

My chest warms at the compliment. “Thank you, Kai.” It really does help to hear that he doesn’t see me as an idiot. That he likes what he sees when he looks at me.

He sits up straight and pats the side of my calf. “Of course. What can I do to help though, seriously?”

“You just did.”

He grins. “It was that easy?”

I laugh and poke him in the thigh with my toe. “It won’t always be that simple, but yeah. This time, it was that easy.”

“I’ll take that as a win.”

I yawn and cover my mouth with my palm. “Sorry about that, I really am tired. I guess that doesn’t help the situation.”

“Why don’t you take a nap and I’ll wake you in a few hours?” he asks, getting to his feet.

“That actually sounds perfect,” I admit, rolling over onto my side.

“Here, get under the covers,” he says, lifting the blankets and urging me underneath them.

“This feels like some special treatment,” I say as I snuggle into the soft mattress. “Is this what will happen every time I tell you I’m feeling down?”

He smiles and tucks the covers around me. “If that makes you happy, then yeah.”

And with that, he’s gone, and I fall asleep feeling a little more hopeful than before.

I open my eyes several times throughout the day. Sometimes it’s so difficult shaking off the feeling of rejection. The thoughts consume me—everything I could have done differently with Xander. If only I would have kept my mouth shut and not prodded into something so personal, then he would have never had a reason to shut down my question. I simmer in the feeling over and over until I’m so exhausted that sleep drags me down again. It’s my mind’s way of coping, disconnecting from all the uncontrollable emotions.

The next time I wake up, the sun has faded from the sky and my stomach is continuously growling. My body is no longer caring about my feelings. It demands to be fed. I pull my hair back into a ponytail and change from my sweats into a pair of leggings and a crop top. As I make my way down the hall, I can hear lively chatter before I even get to the staircase.

I pause and assess my mental state. The embarrassment I felt earlier has faded and I feel safe to face Xander again, so I follow the voices toward the back of the house. The double doors to the rec room are open and Kai, Carrington, and Xander are sprawled out on the huge sectional couch. I weave around the pool table and get a glimpse of the bowls and cups of junk food laid out on the coffee table in the center of the room. My stomach growls at the sight of chocolate candy bars and a miniature nacho bar. It’s when I notice the bottle of my preferred soda that I realize these are all my favorite snacks.

“What is this?” I ask, and three heads whip in my direction.

“There’s our girl,” Carrington says with a blinding smile. “Kai suggested that we watch your favorite movie tonight.”

I eye my mate, who flashes a boyish grin at me. I don’t need to ask why. He knew I wasn’t at my best and did this to cheer me up. For the first time, I understand why people always say friends make the best significant others.

I come to the sofa and flop down next to Kai. “You remembered my favorite movie?”

He looks down at me and raises an eyebrow. “Are you kidding? I didn’t sit through 10 Things I Hate About You fifty-seven times to not remember that it’s your comfort movie.”

My chest warms and I have to blink tears away. “Excuse me, I only made you watch it fifty-four times. You must have done a few viewings on your own,” I joke, trying to cover up how emotional this has made me.

“What can I say, it’s good.”

Carrington chuckles at her brother’s admission as she holds up the remote and starts the movie on the massive screen on the wall.

It’s funny how the twins and I move around each other. I end up leaning into Kai, and Carrington fans a blanket over her and my legs. I always thought the three of us were kind of like a pack of cubs, invading each other’s space in a quest for comfort. I imagine this is what we would have looked like if we could have shifted as children.

The movie continues on, every scene holding my attention. That is until Kai’s fingers brush against mine. I hesitate for a moment, chalking it up to an accident. The innocent touch consumes my thoughts until I’m emboldened to slide my fingers through his. The air between us thickens and I swear we stop breathing. Only when his thumb brushes over my knuckles does my body resume its normal function.

“I’m going to head to bed,” Xander says a few minutes later, standing and stretching his arms over his head.

“What?” Carrington whines. “You don’t want to see the part where she rams her car into his Camaro?”

I look up just in time to see Xander crack one of those rare smiles. “You forget I’m twelve years older than you, baby sister. I saw this movie in theaters.”

“Seriously? You might be old, but this movie came out in...” Carrington looks at me pointedly.

“1999,” I say without hesitation.

“Yeah, 1999. There’s no way Mom let you see this when you were...” She pauses again, seeming to be having trouble with doing the math in her head.

Luckily science and math are my thing.

“You saw this in theaters at eleven years old?” I say helpfully, and Carrington echoes my question.

Xander smirks. “Fine, I rented it at the video store.”

“What’s a video store?” Kai deadpans without looking away from the TV.

Carrington and I dissolve into giggles as Kai’s lips twitch and Xander clenches his jaw as he tries desperately not to laugh.

“Okay, I am definitely going to bed now. Goodnight, y’all,” he says, glancing down at where my hand is intertwined with Kai’s before meeting my gaze.

“Goodnight, Xander,” I say as he turns and leaves the room.

Thirty minutes or so later, Carrington clears her throat and glances down at where Kai and I are still holding hands, his thumb brushing back and forth over my knuckles every few seconds. She gives me a wink and I know she’s about to tease me, but I widen my eyes and mouth, Please, Care. No.

Rolling her eyes, she yawns instead and covers her mouth. “I think I’m gonna go to bed too. I'm sleepy.”

Kai glances at the clock. “It’s like 10:30. You’re never tired this early.”

She shrugs. “I am tonight.” Practically catapulting off the couch, she blows me a kiss and disappears through the door.

“She’s a weirdo,” he mutters as we both settle back onto the cushions.

“She’s your twin.”

“Well, I didn’t get to choose that fate,” he jokes. “You chose to be her best friend. What does that say about you?”

I laugh and rest my head on his shoulder. “You know what, that’s fair.”

The movie keeps playing, but I know every word already. There’s something I want to say to Kai, I just don’t want to freak him out. But I have to. I can’t stop thinking about it.

“Kai?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for tonight. This really meant a lot to me.”

He squeezes my hand. “It was nothing, really. This is what we’re supposed to do for each other, right? We’ve always been friends. Why should that stop now?”

The warmth in my chest cools off just a few degrees. Is this all he sees this as? Friendship? Nothing more?

But I can’t look at it like that. Either way, this is better than the silent treatment or awkward glances across the room.

“We shouldn’t.” I decide to take it one step further as I unclasp our hands and place our palms flat against each other, running my fingers down his. “It also feels really nice just to touch you.”

He hums and watches my hand move over his. “Do you think it’s strange that we never really felt anything for each other before the cleansing ritual?”

“I mean that was the point of it, so that I had clarity. I’m sure if you would have done it you would have chosen me, and we would be right here anyway.”

“Yeah.” He gives my fingers two quick squeezes. “Speaking of being here. My dad wants to talk to us in the morning. He says we need to start making preparations to rule, and he would like to guide us through that.”

A nervous chill rolls through me. “Okay. Sounds good.” You’re lying. Sounds terrifying.

He scoffs. “If that’s what sounds good to you, then maybe we are about to have a really easy life.”

I bump his shoulder. “Can we finish the movie now?”

He lets go of my hand, but before I can feel disappointment slice through me, he drapes his arm around my shoulders and settles us back against the couch.

I open my eyes what feels like a few minutes later and the movie is over, the room quiet and dark. But I’m not sitting up anymore. My brow furrows as I look around and I realize I’m in Kai’s bed.

And Kai is here too. And while he isn’t holding me close or anything, he’s not all the way on the other side tonight. And he’s turned to face me, sleeping soundly, his arm tucked under his pillow.

Did he carry me up here?

The tips of my fingers tingle as I look at him and the lonely strand of hair resting over his brow. Unable to fight the compulsion, I gently brush it away. Everything about him is handsome. I’ve always thought that. Yet it’s strange to be laying in his bed. I always imagined the chemistry between me and my mate being so simple, like we are two elements that are naturally drawn together. I look forward to the day when Kai and I find our groove, and the time I spend with my mate doesn’t feel so much like the time I spent with the boy who has always been my friend.