Page 17 of Trusting Skulls (Rebel Skull MC #8)

Chapter Fifteen

Lexie

E arlier today, I found the rest of Ash’s unopened packages on my bed. I opened every single one of them. My finger and thumb worry over the smooth wooden heart that was included in his final letter. It’s engraved.

With My Whole Heart.

I know this might sound silly, but I sense him nearby. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt his presence.

Ash is a ghost I can’t shake, and now I’m afraid I’ve already become addicted to the haunt.

I reread the letter I’ve just written to him. I’m going to leave it under the welcome mat outside in case he secretly leaves coffee again.

When I’m satisfied, I fold it up and tuck it in my pocket for safe keeping.

Jesse and Dirk are already inside for the night.

They’re playing a board game. They asked if we wanted to join them.

The way Raffe shook his head made me also decline.

When they got out of earshot, he leaned over and told me I had made a wise decision.

“They’re ruthless. Even when they’re only playing,” he said.

The occasional arguing that disrupts the quiet of night tells me Raffe was right. My gaze roams over him. He’s lost in the flames from the fire we built.

I sit forward, catching the light as it reflects in the pools of his eyes. He’s sad.

“Raffe, are you okay?”

His head falls, and his body begins to shake as he sobs. I jump to my feet to go get Jesse, but he reaches out and wraps his fingers around my wrist.

“Don’t go,” he manages to choke out.

Slowly, I sit back down beside him. He’s so overwhelmed with emotion, I’m not sure what to say or do.

“I have to tell someone. Fuck. I’m losing my mind,” he whispers, letting go of me to wipe his eyes with the palm of his hands.

I’ve never comforted anyone, but god do I want to ease this man’s pain. Something is torturing Raffe’s soul.

“You can tell me,” I offer.

He grabs his head, his elbows resting on his knees. “I’m not going to burden you with my problems, Lex.”

“Why? I just dropped a whole load of my own on you. My hands are free,” I tease lightly, placing my hand on his back.

He flinches beneath my touch, but he doesn’t pull away. His sadness draws me closer, and I feel a strange calling to tell him something about myself.

“My parents were young when they had me. They were both still in high school. Miraculously they graduated, and they even went to college while taking care of me. They took turns watching me. They were like two ships sailing the same harbor, carrying the same cargo, but each with a different destination.”

His quiet sobs begin to lighten as he listens to my story.

“Even though I only had one of them at a time, I at least had someone. It was when they finished college that everything changed. They hired a nanny and left me to go out and pursue their dreams.”

I glance up at the moon. I’ve never talked about this with anyone. Ever. It’s embarrassing.

“It didn’t really hit me how alone I was until the end of my fifth grade year.

By then I only had a part-time nanny. Really, she was just there to fill the fridge and run me to doctor appointments and things like that.

But anyway, we had a little end of the year graduation ceremony at school.

We had gowns and caps and everything. Our teacher even bought flowers for us to hand out to our mothers. ”

Raffe lets out a gruff sob, and I drop my attention back to him.

“As I was walking home that night, twirling my mother’s rose in my hands, I’d never felt so alone.

It was suffocating. The pain was so much I felt like I might die.

My vision became cloudy from crying, and I couldn’t see straight.

Everything came crashing down around me, and I tripped outside the bar.

You know the one that used to be where the bike shop is? ”

Raffe lifts his head and nods.

“A big man picked me up and carried me inside. I was terrified at first, because my parents had warned me about talking to strangers, especially strangers covered in tattoos and wearing a Skull patch.”

He turns his tearful gaze toward me.

“The man wiped my eyes and made me a root beer float. He told me it was his granddaughter’s favorite treat.

Then he knelt in front of me and cleaned and bandaged my skinned-up knees.

From that day on, I began to fantasize about your club rescuing me.

Crazy, right?” I laugh a little. “I used to picture you all pulling up at the school to pick me up. I guess that’s why I was so jealous of Charlotte and Kelsie.

I daydreamed about it so much that when you all started helping me, I didn’t believe it was real. ”

“Do you know who that man was?” Raffe asks.

I shake my head. “No. He never told me his name, but I’m assuming he owned the bar because he had a key to get in.”

“His name was Bill. He’s Jesse’s dad.”

My eyes widen, and my hand falls from his back. “No.”

“He was the best listener. I wish he were here now.”

I laugh lightly. “Well, he did most of the talking, but I’ll never forget how safe I felt with him.”

Raffe’s gaze bounces over my face frantically, and I can tell he’s still unsure if he can trust me. “My …” He pauses. Whatever he’s feeling tonight, it’s clearly crushing his soul.

“I’ve still got the scars. Do you want to see?” I pull up my pant legs, showing him both of my knees.

He runs a thumb over one of them before looking up at the night sky.

I feel like he’s having a conversation with the stars. Maybe I should leave him alone with his thoughts. He clearly has some heavy shit on his mind. I hope it’s nothing my situation stirred up for him.

“My wife is dying,” he says quietly. He drops his head, and my heart breaks clean open at the raw pain in his voice.

It takes my breath away. My lips part, but nothing comes out.

“She won’t let me tell anyone. Not yet anyway. It’s been pure torture to not reach out to the club. To them.” He nods toward the cabin. Jesse and Dirk are sitting on the floor in front of the windows still playing their game.

I remain quiet, but I reach out and hold his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“Rachel’s been battling it for four years.”

My eyebrows rise in shock. I never would have known.

He chuckles sadly, sits back, and pulls his shirt up to wipe his face on the bottom of it. “Fuck. It feels good to say this shit out loud.”

“Why are you here with me? Go home. Be with her,” I tell him, suddenly feeling guilty for taking up so much of their precious time together.

“She’s not there. It’s getting harder and harder for her to hide it. So, when she’s not feeling well, she leaves. For almost a year she’s slowly been pulling away from me.”

“Could you go with her?”

“I’ve asked. I’ve even begged, but no amount of groveling on my part changes her mind. I just want to take care of her.”

It breaks my heart for her and for him. “How does she do it alone?”

“She has acquaintances. She’s worked in the medical field her whole life.”

His face falls, and he breaks down again. I slide closer and hug him.

“I owe her my life. I’m walking today because of her. Why won’t she let me help?” he asks, not me but the universe.

“Are you sure she won’t get better? Maybe she just needs to focus on her health free of distraction.”

He chuckles sadly. “I am a distraction, you’re right there, but no, there’s no getting better. It’s spread … it’s everywhere.”

We’re both quiet for a moment.

“I know she’s scared to tell Jackson and Dirk. I’ve suggested hospice. I think they could help her talk to our family, but so far she’s refused.”

He hits his chest with a closed fist. “I’ve had no choice but to stuff all this shit down. It’s killing my soul, but how do I deny my wife’s wishes? Fuck, I’ve never felt so alone.”

“That’s a feeling I understand. You can talk to me anytime, Raffe. I will keep our conversations to myself,” I tell him.

We chat well into the morning hours, and by the time we head inside, we’re both mentally exhausted. Between the two of us, we unpacked a lot of shit.

As we’re heading inside, I pull out my letter to Ash. Raffe watches as I tuck it under the mat where he can see it if he shows up again.

“Is it worth it? The pain I see in your eyes?” I ask him.

He nods. “It’s worth it.”

I stare at the letter, my fingers itching to pick it back up.

“Lexie, look at me.”

Slowly, my gaze rises to his, my stomach a knotting bundle of nerves.

“I promise it’s worth it.”

As soon as we step inside, Jesse jumps from the couch. “You two okay? I can put on a pot of coffee.”

He walks over and kisses her on the cheek. “We’re good. I think I’m going to hit the hay.”

She worries at her bottom lip before turning her attention to me.

“I’m pooped, too. No coffee for me. I’ll see you guys in the morning.”

But sleep evades me as soon as I lie down. I’m confused by the connection I’ve made with Raffe. I’ve never had anyone share something so personal with me before tonight. He didn’t hide his pain from me. He let me see it and him.

I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t feel connections with other members of the club too. JD and Elizabeth. Dan and Lily. Jesse and Dirk. Even Petey and Katie. I was scared to put my trust in them. My parents conditioned me to never get my hopes up. That relationships are fleeting.

I get that nothing in this world is mine to hold forever. My conversation with Raffe tonight proves that.

Please, please just give me something I can hold on to … even if it’s just for a short while.