Page 39 of Touch Me Not (Manwhore #1)

“Sorry,” he muttered at last, confused and frowning.

It was all she could do to keep from smiling at his so Nikoli-ish look.

She’d seen it on Nikoli’s face a lot the last month or so.

If he hadn’t been so blasé about Adam this morning, she might have actually thought he cared.

Nikoli confused her. He acted like he didn’t want her, and then he went and told his brother she was his girlfriend.

It was seriously pissing her off, to be honest. She loved the idiot, and he couldn’t seem to make up his mind about what she was to him.

Lily knew deep down Nikoli would never be hers, but moments like this gave her hope that maybe she was wrong, maybe he did feel something for her.

God, she wanted him to feel something for her.

Needed it more than she needed air. And it scared her because she was going to be broken when this ended.

“So, Lily, are you a senior or…?” Kade left the question hanging and brought Lily out of her dire thoughts.

“Senior.”

“What’s your major?”

“English. I’m going to be working at a literary agency in New York when I graduate. They’ve already offered me the job.”

“You’ll be working with authors? Not an author yourself?”

“Oh, I’m an author,” she said, smiling. “My novel is almost done. When I finish and revise it, I’m going to try to get published.”

“You’re writing a book?” Nikoli asked. “You didn’t tell me.”

“No, I didn’t,” she agreed. “I don’t tell you everything, Kincaid.”

“Apparently,” he growled, and Lily laughed. He was in full testosterone mode this morning. “What’s it about?”

“None of your business,” she said. She knew it would drive him nuts until he found out.

If he only knew…she shook her head. He’d read it eventually and understand what she wanted to say to him.

It was their story. She’d write the ending once they’d ended things.

That was all that was missing from their story.

“Why don’t you want to tell me?”

“Writers don’t normally share their work until it’s published. Something about needing their privacy.”

“And how would you know that?” Nikoli asked his brother.

“I dated a writer for about a week.” Kade popped a piece of sausage into his mouth. “She got all pissy when I peeked at what she was writing.”

“That sounds about right,” Lily agreed. “Come near mine and you’ll get hurt.”

“Come on, now, Lily Bells,” Nikoli wheedled. “Let me read it.”

“No.”

“Just the first chapter?”

“No.”

“Leave it be, Nikoli,” Kade said. “She’ll hurt you. Don’t you see that gleam in her eye that says she’s ready to stab you with her fork?”

“Lily wouldn’t hurt me,” Nikoli scoffed.

“Wanna bet?” Lily asked, remembering his blasé attitude earlier.

This time it was Nikoli’s turn for his eyebrows to shoot up. Ah, he was finally getting the message of how pissed she was. He probably had no clue why, but he didn’t need to know why, only that she was.

“So, Kade, you’re working on the serial killer case?” she asked so she wouldn’t have to deal with Nikoli. “Do you guys have any leads?”

“I really can’t discuss an ongoing case,” he said. “I will tell you that we just got here last night and are catching up on everything. We’ll get him soon.”

“I hope it’s sooner rather than later. That last one was too close to campus.”

“Yes,” Kade murmured. “We’re asking for the university to allow a police presence there, just in case. Make sure you never go anywhere on your own, always bring someone, walk back to your dorm with a friend. Never alone.”

“I’ll make sure of it,” Nikoli promised.

Kade’s food came, and Lily turned her eyes back to the TV. The news was still talking about the latest victim. If the FBI was here, then the situation was serious. She’d been nervous about the whole situation since she’d seen the first news broadcast over the summer.

She hoped they caught him soon.

When Lily returned to her dorm room, she expected to find it empty, but Adam was sitting on her bed, his face troubled.

She closed the door and leaned against it.

When his eyes met hers, they were dark and thoughtful.

The hangover was evident from his wince when the girl in the next room slammed her door.

“You look like hell.” Lily pushed herself away from the door and plopped down in her desk chair.

He ran a hand through his hair. “I feel worse.”

“Getting shit-faced will do that to you.”

He fell back on her bed and stared up at the ceiling. “Lily, we need to talk about…well…”

“What you said last night?”

“Yeah.” He still didn’t move. “I know blurting that stuff out at you when I’m drunk wasn’t the best idea.”

“Ya think?”

“I may have been drunk, but I meant every word I said, Lily.”

Lily closed her eyes and counted to ten. A month ago, this conversation would have meant the world to her, but not now. Now, it only meant she had to hurt the one person who had always been there for her through everything.

“Adam, you don’t mean that…”

“Yes, I do.” He sat and looked her in the eye. “I love you, Lils. I’ve loved you my entire life. I just didn’t think you’d ever get better…”

“So you’re only interested in me now that you think I’m getting better?” Anger leaked out of her voice. She couldn’t help it.

“That’s not what I meant.” Adam rolled his shoulders. “I tried, Lily, I tried so hard to help you, but I couldn’t. I don’t understand why Nikoli could, when nothing I did worked. That is what I meant.”

Either way, the outcome was the same. He hadn’t shown any interest until Nikoli. It still stung a bit, but she’d forgiven him somewhere along the way. Didn’t mean she wasn’t pissed he only told her this after Nikoli.

“Adam, I love you. God knows, for the longest time, I thought I was in love with you, but I’ve only recently discovered the difference.

You’re my best friend, and you did help me more than you know.

Just being there for me, never letting me push you away.

That kept me from going off the deep end.

You will always be my best friend, and I will always love you, but I’m not in love with you. ”

“You love the campus manwhore.” Adam’s eyes dilated, his anger evident in the way his body tensed. “He’s going to break you into little pieces.”

“Then my best friend will be there to put me back together again.” Lily offered him a small smile. She knew it was true. Nikoli was going to hurt her, but she’d take the hurt for the way she felt right now.

“But, Lils, if you’d only listen to what I’m saying, you won’t be broken.” Adam stood and started to pace. “I love you. We can be so happy together, if you’ll just trust me and let me show you.”

“Adam, what about Sue?”

“What about her?”

“You’re supposed to be getting married in a few weeks. What would that do to her?”

He stopped pacing and sat on the floor, his expression torn, confused.

“I think you’re only saying all this now because of Nikoli. You love Sue, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Then why would you even consider leaving her?”

“Because I love you!” he shouted, his frustration pouring out.

“You’re not listening to me, Lily. I love you more than I could ever love Sue.

I want to marry you, have kids with you, grow old with you.

Only you. I’ve always wanted that. You’re my heart, Lily.

It’s killing me watching you and Nikoli, thinking that should be me with you.

Every time I see you two together, it feels like someone is stabbing me in the heart.

What can I say to make you understand? I love you . ”

Tears blurred Lily’s vision, and she wiped them away. He sounded so broken.

“Why, Lily? Why do you trust him and not me?”

“Because I was afraid, Adam.” Her words were hesitant, uncertain.

“I’ve been seeing Rebekha again, twice a week for the last few weeks.

We’ve been talking about that. I was afraid that if I let myself touch you, you’d die, just like Daddy and Laney.

I couldn’t do that. My mind refused to even contemplate it.

Nikoli had no ties to me. He was a stranger, and I wasn’t afraid of hurting him like I was you. ”

“Do you still think you can hurt me?”

“No. I understand my fears now, and between Nikoli and Rebekha, I’m getting better.”

“Then why not give us a chance, Lils? Let me show you how much I love you, how good we can be together.”

“Because I don’t love you like that, Adam.

” Her voice was quiet, somber. She watched him recoil in hurt, and it nearly made her double over from the pain.

“I do love you, but I love you like a brother, like my best friend. I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life, but that’s all I feel for you, Adam. ”

He stood, his movements stiff and slow. His eyes were haunted when he looked at her, but there was a determination in them too. “When he breaks you, I will be here to pick up the pieces. Then I’ll show you what you mean to me, and maybe you’ll give us a chance.”

“Adam…”

“No,” he cut her off, “don’t say anything.

I’m not going to give up on you. I’m the one who will be here for you when he’s gone.

Remember that.” Adam walked over and planted a quick kiss on her head.

It was so fast, it reminded her of Nikoli’s sneak attacks.

It was over so quickly she didn’t have time to freak.

He gave her a crooked smile and let himself out, closing the door behind him.

Lily closed her eyes and let her head fall to the desk.

Damn you, Nikoli Kincaid, for ruining any chance I had with Adam.

She cried, cried for the life she could have had, for the happiness that might have been, but mostly she cried for the hurt she’d caused the one person she never wanted to hurt, but had.