Page 13 of Touch Me Not (Manwhore #1)

“I do. I’ve gotten drunk on more than one occasion for that very reason.”

She shot him a disbelieving look.

“Even I have problems, Lily. No one’s perfect.”

Again, she nodded and continued her story. “It was Friday night, and I snuck out of the house to meet up with my friends. Laney followed and tried to stop me. She grabbed my arm like you did in the food court. It’s why I reacted like I did. It brought back the memory of that night.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t know, Nikoli.”

“What happened when she grabbed you?”

“I pushed her, and when she fell, I went running across the street. There was a park across from us that cut straight through to where I was meeting up with my friends. She got up to follow me.”

Lily took a deep, shuddering breath, and tears slid down her cheeks. “Our house was on a curve, one you couldn’t see around. The driver never saw her. He wasn’t even going very fast, but he drove right over her. She died from massive internal bleeding.”

“And you blame yourself.” Nikoli hadn’t expected that. Losing so many people in such a short amount of time had to be hard to begin with, but blaming herself too? It sucked ass. He at least understood her a bit better now and could build from there.

She nodded. “Wouldn’t you?”

He could have lied to her, but that wouldn’t have done either of them any good. “Yeah, Lily Bells, I probably would have blamed myself too.”

She smiled slightly. “After that, it got harder for me to let anyone touch me. I kept seeing her grab my arm and me pushing her away and then hearing the crunch and the squealing of brakes. I can still see the truck bounce as it rolled over her. Adam tried to help me, he used to pull me into these bear hugs, but I just couldn’t take it.

I started to shake, and then I’d start screaming.

I couldn’t bear anyone touching me. He gave up after a while.

It was an easy diagnosis for my therapist, but not so easy to cure. It really is all in my head.”

“You equate someone touching you with death, specifically a death caused by you.” This might be harder than he’d expected, but he wasn’t going to let her mental hang-ups deter him. He wanted to help her now more than ever. The pain she’d suffered—still suffered, really—got to him.

“So how can you fix that?” She laughed bitterly.

“With patience,” he said, determined. And some help from friends in the psych department. A few owed him favors and might be able to shed some light on her phobia for him.

Lily glanced up, surprised. Patience? He seriously thought he could cure her of her worst phobia with patience? Nikoli Kincaid was truly insane if he thought that.

“Adam tried for over a year, Nikoli. Why would your attempts be any different?”

He studied her, and Lily looked away. Her emotions were raw, and she didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes.

It was an emotion she’d gotten used to seeing from people who learned her secret.

She hated it. And seeing it from Nikoli was something that bothered her.

Lily didn’t think too hard on why it bothered her, though.

That would have to wait for when she wasn’t hurting so much it felt hard to breathe.

That was what talking about that night did to her. It left her an emotional mess.

“Lily, look at me.”

“You know why I am the way I am now. Can you just take me home please?” She really wasn’t up to talking about this anymore tonight.

“Lily.”

“What?”

“Look at me.”

She let out a sigh of frustration, and did as he asked, expecting to see pity on his face, but that was so far from the truth, it took her breath away.

She blushed when his gaze traveled from her head to her toes and back up, landing on her lips and staying there. She felt hot and took a sip of water. His stare caused all sorts of unfamiliar sensations. That devilish smile of his said he knew it too.

Anger hit her then. She’d told him her darkest secret, and all that was on his mind was sex! She felt really stupid. Why did she believe this could work? Nikoli was the worst kind of womanizer, and she knew it.

“This isn’t going to work…”

“Lily, Boy Wonder is an asshat and an idiot.” Nikoli cut her off. “You needed patience and a firm hand. He couldn’t give that to you. It was too hard, and he gave up. I, on the other hand, don’t give up, and I love a good challenge.”

“How are you supposed to help me when all you can think about is getting into my pants?” Lily uncurled herself and rubbed her arms, starting to get a little cold.

“It’s because I want into your pants that I can help you,” he fired back. “I have methods we can use, things that will help you learn to tolerate my touch, enjoy just thinking about what my hands will do to you.”

She swallowed, every muscle in her body tightening at the promise in his voice. Somehow, in this moment, looking into his onyx eyes, she believed him. He might be able to help her.

“I’m sorry about your sister,” he told her.

“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost one of my brothers or my father, so I can’t begin to imagine what you felt, what you still feel.

Hell, all but one of my brothers have graduated and spread out around the country, and I miss them.

If I couldn’t call one of them or see them…

” He closed his eyes, and Lily wasn’t sure how to feel.

She’d never seen this side of him. He sounded like a decent human being for once.

“I am so sorry for everything you’ve gone through, Lily. ”

“Thank you,” she said softly.

“I’m a bastard. I know that, but I’m not a heartless bastard.”

He slid closer to her. She pushed herself as far into the cushion as she could, but he came closer still, until he was sitting only about two inches from her. Her palms started to sweat.

“I want you to understand one simple fact. I’m going to push you, Milaya , push you well past your breaking point on many levels, but know that I heard you, heard your pain.

I won’t let my own needs make me forget how much you’re hurting.

You will always come first with me. You just need to be willing to try. ”

His dark eyes burned with an intensity that scared Lily. She’d never had anyone look at her like that. His gaze held a promise and all she had to do was accept the chance he was offering.

But could she bring herself to do it?

“Will you tell me exactly how you plan on helping me?” She needed specifics.

“We’re going to go slowly. First, you have to be comfortable with me, so you and I are going to spend a lot of time together. You’ll be as comfortable with me as you are with Boy Wonder.”

“I doubt that.” She couldn’t repress the giggle that slipped out. She was too nervous. “He doesn’t have designs on my virtue.”

He smiled, really smiled, and she couldn’t help but admire his dimples. Nikoli had a nice smile when he wasn’t trying too hard. It was honest. “Once you start to get used to me, we’ll move on to something basic.”

“Like?”

“Like putting your hand in mine. I won’t do anything except let you set your hand in mine. You can snatch it back without fear.”

“So, you’ll let me touch you instead of you touching me?” She’d never tried that before. Adam had always forced her to let him hug her.

“It’s all about control, Lily,” Nikoli explained.

“Everyone has been forcing their touch on you, and I won’t do that.

I may do a few sneak attacks, but I’m going to let you get used to touching me, become familiar with how my skin feels against yours.

Once that happens, then I’ll touch you. Trust me, Milaya , you will learn to love the way I touch you. ”

“What does that mean? Milaya ? It’s Russian?”

“Yes, it’s Russian,” he said.

“So?” she prompted. “What does it mean?”

Nikoli didn’t want to tell her what it meant. He wasn’t even sure himself why he called her “sweetheart” in his native tongue. He’d never in his life called a woman that. It slipped out around Lily, and it unnerved him. Babushka would have a field day with that little nugget of information.

“What it means doesn’t matter.” He brushed the question aside. “Are you ready for this, Lily? Really ready for it? You have to be sure.”

“I…I don’t want to live like this anymore, terrified, unable to show anyone how much I care about them.

I can’t even hug my mom.” She twisted her fingers, her anxiety easy to read.

“Even if things don’t turn out with Adam, I want to be normal again, Nikoli.

I want to have what everyone else has—someone who loves them, a family.

I need to be able to be touched for that to happen. ”

Nikoli watched so many emotions run rampant across her face.

He couldn’t even begin to fathom all the pain this woman had gone through, but here she sat, stronger than most. Yes, she had a hang-up, but she was trying to get past it.

She wasn’t taking it lying down anymore.

To face your fears took more courage than people ever gave you credit for.

He’d faced a few demons himself, so he understood.

Lily wasn’t just special—she was extraordinary.

“Then you’ll have it, Lily. I promise.”

“What about you, though?” she asked.

“Me?”

Lily grinned, her inner devil shining through, and Nikoli frowned. What was the minx up to?

“Well, you did say you wanted to improve people’s perception of you. If you plan on doing this, it means you can’t go out and have sex with whoever. If you want people to believe we’re dating, then you’re going to have to conform to my standards.”

So, she had a devil in her after all. Two could play this game. He decided to push her limits just a little. He scooted until his thigh was pressed firmly against hers.

She sucked in her breath.

“As I told you earlier, Lily, I won’t need anyone else.

I’ll have you.” Before she had time to respond, he leaned in and softly brushed his lips against hers.

It was over and done before she could freak.

He stood up and walked over to the row of windows overlooking the Boston skyline.

He needed to give her a moment and to get his own desires under control.

Lily’s hand shook as she brought her fingers up to touch her lips. She couldn’t believe he’d done that! He’d told her he wouldn’t touch her this soon, and he’d gone and done it anyway.

“You said…”

“I did say.” He turned to face her. “My goal is to help you, to make you comfortable with me, but I also want to touch you, very badly. It’s why I’m over here right now. I want to bend you over that couch and fuck you so hard, you’ll feel me inside you for a week, but I’m controlling myself.”

Lily’s mouth formed a silent O. She hadn’t expected that. He was honest, if nothing else. “How can I trust you, though, if you can’t even keep your word for one day?”

“Lily, I promised we’d take it slow, get you comfortable with me, but part of that includes my sneak attacks. My lips feathered over yours, not even a touch, really. I will do it again and again. Get used to it.”

She swallowed. He meant that. He was going to do it again.

Her insides tightened, but not in fear. Her hands were shaking, but there was more than fear there—she felt excitement, anticipation.

Why did his touch, even the promise of his touch, do this to her?

No one, not even Adam, had ever made her feel like this.

Maybe the manwhore really was that good.

She laughed, thinking about what Janet would have to say on the matter.

“Something funny?” he asked, his voice low and rough.

Lily looked up, and her laughter died. He looked hard, determined.

Not the laughing man of before. He reminded her of the dominant males she secretly loved to read about, and it made her mouth go dry.

Dear Lord, what was she getting into? She almost called it off right then and there, but forced the words back.

If she didn’t take a chance, then she’d never know.

This man—not the boy from before, but the man in front of her—could give her back her life.

Instinct told her this, and she wasn’t going to give up the chance for normalcy. Her fear had held her back long enough.

“I was just thinking about what everyone’s going to say when the manwhore goes straight. Do you think you can handle the ribbing?”

“Connoisseur of women, Lily, connoisseur of women.”

“If that’s what gets you through the night,” she said, shrugging. “At least you’re not hooking on the corner…”

He spewed the water he’d just put into his mouth, and Lily laughed. Oh, God, she was going to have to tell Janet about this one for sure.

“You are going to pay for that one, Milaya ,” he promised. “I may spank you.”

“No, you won’t,” she said, laughing. “You just told me you don’t hurt women.”

“I never said it’d hurt, did I?” His eyes glittered with intent, and Lily’s own widened.

Her doubts crowded back in, but she pushed them down. Nikoli struck a chord in her, and it scared her, but she refused to be a coward anymore.

“No touching, remember?”

He grinned, a slow, lazy smile that put her on alert. “Oh, but when I do touch you, Milaya …”

Lily took a shaky breath. She needed to get out of here before he decided to take this any further. She wasn’t sure how much more she could handle tonight. “I think we should probably go back to campus now.”

Nikoli chuckled darkly. “Running already. You realize I’m not going to let you escape so easily next time?”

“I’m counting on it.”

She needed him to not let her run. Maybe it was what she’d needed all along.

“Come on, Lily Bells, let’s get you home.”