Page 21 of To Love a Monster (Oaths & Obsessions #1)

“You got me to drop my guard. To trust you, so you could do your job .” My voice breaks.

But I don’t stop. “That’s what this was, right?

” I meet his eyes, daring him to lie. “It was all to make your job easier. You were just trying to please whatever fucked up person hired you to watch me. This is all to do with me and you won’t even tell me who it is!

” With that he moves to step forward, fast but not threatening. Not dangerous. Just furious.

My words hit him hard and his jaw tightens, his shoulders go rigid.

There’s a flash in his eyes, something cold.

He looks at me the way you look at someone who just tore open a wound you’ve spent years keeping stitched shut.

His throat works once and when he speaks, his voice isn’t calm. It’s carved.

“I wasn’t supposed to engage, Lila.” His voice is sharp, ripped raw from somewhere deep.

“I was supposed to observe. Watch from a distance. Nothing more.” I can’t stop myself.

The anger’s too big and too sharp to hold.

It’s crawling up my throat, hot and bitter, demanding somewhere to go.

I don’t even know who I’m mad at more, him or me, for letting this happen in the first place.

“And yet you did. Why? Did I make it too easy?”

His jaw twitches. “Ah, that’s it, then. I just made it too fucking easy for you.

” My voice is rising now, shaky with heat.

“I flirted back. Went to you in the darkness. Didn’t ask questions when I should have.

Didn’t run when any sane person would have.

And you thought, hell, why not? Might as well fuck her too. ”

“Lila—” he tries again, his fists clenching as his anger builds but I don’t let him finish.

“Is that when it supposedly changed for you? Or was fucking me always part of the plan? Part of your payment package?” I’m pacing now, hands trembling, the burn in my chest too big to swallow. He stays still and that pisses me off more.

“Well? Was it?” I push, getting closer to him but still he stays quiet and that’s when I feel like I’m about to explode out of my own skin. “Fucking say something, Nikolai!”

“Enough!” His voice roars through the space like a shotgun blast. Loud and raw and ripped from his gut. He moves fast and in just two strides he’s in front of me, towering and burning. And this time he doesn’t hold back.

“I broke every rule the second I chose to make contact,” he shouts, voice echoing off the walls.

“ That wasn’t the job. That wasn’t ordered.

I was supposed to stay away. Observe! But I didn’t.

I couldn’t . I pushed my way into your life because I wanted to.

Because I couldn’t stay on the outside anymore!

” His chest is rising and falling like he’s holding himself together by a thread.

“You want to talk about what was real?” He laughs low and bitter. Pained. “You think I kissed you because someone told me to? You think I touched you because it made the report look good?” He steps closer, voice dropping now, deadly low, thunder rolling just beneath his skin.

“I held you like that because I couldn’t fucking breathe until I did.

I watched you paint, sleep, move, because I wanted to.

Not because I was paid to.” His voice breaks like it’s tearing out of his chest. “Every second. Every look. Every fucking breath was real. And you know it.” He shakes his head, jaw tight, voice shaking from the weight of it.

“You think you’re the only one who fell? I broke the rules. Not because I slipped up, but because I chose you over every line I wasn’t supposed to cross.” His eyes lock with mine, burning, dark and unrelenting.

“So, go ahead, hate me for what I didn’t say.

For what I can’t. But don’t dare tell me this was fake.

” His words hit deep. Deeper than I want to admit.

Every breath, every second, every fucking look.

I feel it in my chest like something is splintering because part of me wants to believe him.

Part of me is still reaching for him even now, but the other part, the one that’s burning with betrayal and humiliation, can’t let it go. I still deserve answers.

I stare him down, breath jagged and chest tight.

“If you broke so many rules for me, if this wasn’t part of the plan, then you shouldn’t have a problem breaking one more.

” My voice cracks. “Tell me who sent you.” But he doesn’t answer and that silence is everything.

I bark out a hollow laugh, tears stinging behind my eyes.

“You see?” I hiss. “Bullshit. All of it.” His hands ball into fists. His whole body is coiled, shaking now, not with fear, but with barely leashed fury. He takes another step toward me, his voice hoarse.

“You don’t understand.” And then I lean forward and slap him. Hard. The crack of it echoes across the walls like lightning splitting the air. Tears slide hot down my cheeks. I don’t wipe them.

“Stop it,” I whisper. My voice is fractured, soaked in pain.

“Stop pretending.” Another tear falls. And then another.

“God, maybe it’s a good thing I found out now.

” I shake my head, hate pooling in my chest. Hate for him, for me, for all of it.

“What kind of idiot falls for a fucked up stalker? For someone she barely knows, in the space of a few days, just because he touched her like she meant something? Letting you touch me was a mistake, Nikolai. Allowing you to come as close as you did was a mistake I wish I never made.” That hits him.

I see it. Good . I hope it fucking burns.

His face twists, grief and rage and disbelief battling for dominance. And then he moves again, closing the distance between us once more. He closes in so quickly and I move until my back hits the wall. His hand is braced beside my head, his body caging mine in. Rough, controlled and seething.

His other hand shoots out to catch my jaw, and his eyes, God, his eyes, they’re wild and haunted. “You don’t fucking mean that,” he growls, his voice low and full of emotion as his emerald eyes bore into me.

I swallow hard, fighting to stand my ground as I speak. “I do.” But I don’t sound believable even to my own ears.

“No. You don’t.” He presses closer, his chest against mine, breath warm and furious between us.

One hand wipes away a tear that hasn’t yet fallen.

“You can lie to yourself all you want.” His voice is low now.

“Tell yourself this was nothing. That you don’t want me.

That you don’t need me. That I’m the worst mistake you’ve ever made.

” His hand runs down the side of my body, fingers trailing like heat and ownership.

“But we both know that’s not true. You feel this like I do. Every touch, every kiss.” I shudder beneath him, hating how much of it is true, hating how badly I want it not to be. His forehead presses to mine and his voice is barely a whisper now.

“You were meant for me, Lila. And I was meant for you. Whether you want to admit it or not.” His thumb brushes my lower lip and my breath catches.

“Fuck what’s normal. Fuck how you think this is supposed to work.

Because this? Us ?” His mouth is so close I can taste it.

“This is real.” He swallows hard and moves back, leaving me gasping like he stole the air from my lungs.

“But if you can look me in the eye and tell me you truly hate me, tell me that you regret every moment, that you never want to see me again, then I’ll leave.

” His hand drops from my body. “I’ll never touch you again.

I’ll walk away from this. I’ll still protect you, even if you hate me, even if you never speak to me again.

Because you may not know how you feel right now, but I do.

” The room is still and my pulse is like a war drum.

He steps back even more now, enough to let the question breathe.

“So...” His voice cracks on the edge of restraint, low and ragged, barely tethered.

“Tell me, Lila. Do I mean nothing to you? Is this all just a waste of your precious fucking time?” He’s not masking anything anymore.

There’s no cold control, no calculated quiet.

It’s all there. In his voice, in his eyes, on his face like war paint that’s started to bleed.

His jaw is tight, but not with anger. With ache, with everything he’s trying to hold in and can’t anymore.

“Tell me right now,” he says again, softer now.

“And I will walk out that door. You will never hear from me or see me again. I give you my word.” I can tell he’s not bluffing.

And that’s the part that hurts most, he means it.

Every word. I see it written all over him.

No armor, no lies. Just a man who’s already chosen me, even if I choose to burn him for it.