Page 94 of This Kind of Forever

For as long as I live, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the look on his face. The pain. Theregret.

“Hallie, wait.” He stands, reaching for me. “Don’t?—”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

And then, like the coward I am, I run.

THIRTY-THREE

HALLIE

Ever since Ichickened out of telling his family on Sunday, Gabe has been slightly withdrawn. He agreed to give it more time, but I can tell it still hurts him. ThatIhurt him. Again.

To make matters worse, Kevin has invited us to some kind of outing, and I don’t know what to say. My web of lies has spun so far out of control, I can’t find my way out.

I want to stop. I don’t want to lie anymore, to anyone. But I don’t know how to come clean without everything around me crumbling to ruin. If it does, I know it’s what I deserve. I brought this mess on myself.

Men don’t stay with women like us.

As much as I try not to let them, my mother’s words are always close by to remind me of where I come from. And right now, they feel pretty truthful. If something doesn’t give, I’m going to lose Gabe, and I won’t be able to come crawling back in another ten years.

No, once I leave again, he’s going to find someone else. He’s going to find someone he can marry and have a whole brood ofkids with. He deserves that. He deserves to have a wife who isn’t a coward. He doesn’t deserve?—

Stop.

Blinking back the tears that have sprung up from my spiralling dread, I focus on the plate I’m scrubbing within an inch of its life. Gabe doesn’t understand why I don’t always use the dishwasher, but the routine grounds me, and it reminds me of Pops.

I set the plate out to dry, then wipe my hands on a towel. The kitchen is spotless now, and I’m on the fourth episode of a random podcast I started listening to. For a while, the strangers’ voices were enough to trick my brain into thinking it was too busy to catastrophize, but evidently, that didn’t last forever.

Leaning back against the counter, I rub my eyes. I need to stop acting like our breakup is a foregone conclusion. I still have time. Not much, but a little.

When the front door opens, I brace. I want to earn back Gabe’s smile. Now more than ever, I’m determined to, because I don’t want another woman coming in here and claiming what’s mine.

Gabe pokes his head into the kitchen, letting me know he’s back from work. The days when he’s on shift seem long, especially when I don’t have my own job to keep me preoccupied. I spend a lot of time out in the guesthouse on those days.

“Hi,” I say. I smile tentatively. “I made dinner. Pasta. It’s a new recipe, but hopefully it’s alright. The reviews online were pretty good, so…”

Stop talking, Hallie.

“It smells great. I’m just gonna take a quick shower first,” he says, then beelines for the stairs.

I frown as he leaves. He didn’t completely brush me off, but things are still weird. He didn’t even kiss me, and healwayskisses me when he comes home.

My timer goes off, so I take the pasta out of the oven and set it on the stove. A few more minutes pass, and then I can’t take it anymore. I march out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Gabe’s bedroom door is open, but the one to his en suite is closed. My hand rests on the door handle.

Just do it.Be brave.

But what if he turns me down?

You can’t be a coward forever. Tiptoeing gets tiring after a while.

I step into the bathroom. The warm air hits me instantly, thick and cloying.

Gabe swipes a hand across the shower glass, clearing some of the steam. “Hallie?”

I grip the hem of my shirt and tug it over my head, dropping it to the floor. “I hope you weren’t expecting some other woman to join you in the shower,” I say. I aim for a teasing tone, but even I can hear my words are wracked with nerves.

I’m notsexy. I can’t do this. Except…maybe I can, if the darkening of Gabe’s eyes is anything to go by.