Page 89 of This Kind of Forever

It’s not the first time I’ve heard words like that from Hallie, but they don’t make sense. “You keep saying that, but that’s not how I see you. Who put these fucking ridiculous ideas in your head?”

She looks downright miserable. “Please, Gabe,” she whispers. “I’m sorry.”

I shake my head. “I can’t keep doing this.”

Hallie inhales a shuddering breath, and I can see her eyes turning glassy. She steps into me, setting a hand on my chest. It rests over my heart, and I wonder if she can feel how hard it beats for her. Always her, even when it hurts.

“This won’t be a secret forever,” she says. Promises. “Soon. We’ll tell everyone soon. I just need a little more time.”

The front door creaks open, and Hallie jumps back, dropping her hand. The guilty look on her face guts me.

“You guys coming inside?” Clara asks, sticking her head out. “Or are you just gonna stand in the cold all day?”

Hallie and I stay silent.

“I don’t care one way or the other,” my sister continues, either totally oblivious to the tension or doing her damnedest to pretend. “But Mom won’t let us eat until I get an answer, and I’mhungry.”

“We’re coming,” I reply. My voice doesn’t sound entirely like my own, thick with strain.

With one final, suspicious glance, Clara shuts the door.

I look at Hallie again. “A little while longer.”

Without another word, I start up the porch steps. After a moment, she follows behind me. When I enter the kitchen, Abbie is already situated in her own chair. She doesn’t like to sit with me anymore. Instead, she chooses to sit next to Sophia. It usually works out alright because then I can sit next to Hallie.

Today, though, I head for the open chair between Delilah and Dad. Hallie freezes in the doorway, but I don’t look at her. I can’t. It’s petty, I know, but I need a minute to work through my shit. Sitting beside Hallie, catching whiffs of her apple shampoo, would only be torture.

I can feel Delilah’s eyes on the side of my face. I turn to her. “What?” I ask, a little rougher than intended.

Luke’s arm tightens across her shoulders as he leans around her. “I don’t know what crawled up your ass today, but watch your tone when you speak to her,” he warns.

Delilah pats his thigh. “It’s alright, Luke.” Then she lowers her voice. “I was going to ask if you’re okay.”

I sigh, forcing my shoulders to relax. “I’m fine. Just… I’m fine. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, though. I’m sorry.”

She smiles. “You’re forgiven.”

One look at my brother and I’m not so sure about that, but I nod gratefully.

“Looks like it’s you and me, babycakes,” Clara says, patting the remaining seat for Hallie. Then she sends me a confused glare. “Seeing as someone stole my spot.”

I shrug. “Sucks to suck. You were too slow.”

“Clary doesn’t suck!” Abbie chimes in. “That’s mean, Daddy.”

“You tell him,” my sister says.

Abbie crosses her arms. “You have to say sorry.”

Clara grins, and I roll my eyes. “Sorry, Clara.” Unlike my apology to Delilah, this one is lacking in sincerity.

“I’d give that a two out of ten, but I’ll let it slide.” She grabs a croissant and drops it on her plate. “Let’s eat.”

Hallie finally slides into her chair. We make eye contact for a brief second before she looks away. It kills me, being at odds with her, but I also can’t deny how shitty I feel when she won’t open up to me fully. Clara says it’s not about a lack of trust, but it certainly feels that way.

Does she think I can’t handle whatever it is she’s gone through? Does she doubt my ability to love her through it? Because I know without a shadow of a doubt that whatever she tells me won’t make my feelings go away.

Abbie sits up on her knees, trying to cut her pancake, to no avail. It would help if she held the plastic knife the right way up,but she got mad at me the last time I pointed that out. My little girl is independent to a fault.