Page 36 of This Kind of Forever

“Would that be so bad?” I ask. “Being with me.” My voice comes out quiet, and despite my effort, some of that hurt seeps through.

It’s not a fair question to ask him. It’s not, and I know it.

His eyes soften. “I don’t mean it like that. I—” He runs a hand through his hair, mussing up the dark strands. The tattoos on his arm shift with the movement. “Fuck. I want to help you, I do, but I’m not sure this is the answer.”

The first tear falls without my permission. I’ve been crying too much lately. I don’twantto cry. But I build situations up in my head, picturing the worst, and then when they’re over, myanxiety all rushes out in the form of tears. Like my body doesn’t know any other way to rid itself of the toxicity.

I sobbed on the way home from my first driving test. Same with my first university exam. And now here I am, crying over the meeting with my father.

Gabe doesn’t hesitate to gather me in his arms. “Hallie, baby, why are you crying?”

I shake my head, swiping at my wet cheek. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to. It’s just been an…overwhelming day. And—” I take a deep breath, trying to stop my tears. “I want him to love me, Gabe. I want him to accept me.”

“You don’t think he will, just as you are?”

No, I don’t.He didn’t before.

I swallow as I close my eyes. I hide my face against his chest when I admit, “I’m feeling a little unmoored right now, and I want to put my best foot forward. I don’t want to come off as aimless. Having a successful relationship would at least give mesomethingto show for myself.”

Even if it was all smoke and mirrors.

Gabe sighs, his chin resting on top of my head. He pulls back, looking down at me. “Are you sure about this?”

I nod, catching the last tear as it cascades down my cheek. “I am.”

“Then I’ll do it.”

“Really?”

He offers me a small smile. “Yeah, Foster. Just tell me where and when, and I’ll be there.”

“Thank you.” I clutch his arms, giving them a grateful squeeze. “I promise it won’t be forever. Just until I can find my footing with Kevin and his family. Then I’ll stage a breakup, and you’ll be off the hook.”

He takes my chin in his hand, tilting it up. “Just promise you’ll go easy on my heart,” he says. My breath hitches. “You know, when you stage that breakup.”

“Yeah, of course.” I smile shakily. “It just didn’t work out. We’ve always been better off as friends.”

He takes a step back, clearing his throat, and his hand falls away. “Friends. Right.”

Friends. The safest thing we can be.

Theonlything we can be.

FOURTEEN

GABE

As I helpher down from my truck, Abbie waves her shopping list in the air. “Daddy, I did such a good job. Didn’t I do a good job?”

I chuckle. “You did. You’ll be acing those spelling tests before we know it.”

Now that Abbie is in grade one, she has gotten very serious about learning how to spell things. After school today, she insisted on copying the list I had made of groceries we need, and now she’s on a mission to find them all.

As soon as we enter Sunnyside Market, I spot Hallie. She’s a hard woman to ignore, but even then, I find myself looking for her in every room, even if I know she won’t be there.

She’s talking to someone I haven’t seen in years. Ethan doesn’t look much different than he did back in high school. Same shaggy blond hair and bulky build. He’s got one ankle crossed over the other as he leans against a shelf, laughing at whatever Hallie said.

A little bit of something that can only be described as envy sprouts, and I start toward them before I even realize what I’m doing.