Page 17 of The Wild Rose of Kilgannon (Kilgannon #2)

SIX

A lone again in our room much later, Alex and I stood together before the fire.

Our last night together, I thought, trying to still my hysteria.

I stole a look at him as he studied his hands, and realized with a start that tears were trickling down his cheeks.

I wrapped my arms around him with a sob of my own, and he pulled me close.

I’ll never feel his body against me again after tonight , I thought, and lifted my mouth to his kiss.

He found my lips and breasts and I pulled the clothes from him as he did the same to me.

When we were both naked again he held my arms away from me and studied me.

“I’m memorizing ye, lass,” he said. “Look at yer skin in the firelight. Look how yer curves cast shadows, Mary.” He leaned forward to kiss my shoulder, then worked his way lower.

“I’m memorizing ye, lass,” he murmured. “My lips need to memorize ye too.”

I watched him and sobbed, my tears falling on his hair as I pulled it free of its binding.

He stood then and kissed my tears away, his mouth at first gentle, then more insistent.

I put my hands on his hips and pulled him against me, luxuriating in the feel of his skin against mine from my shoulder to my toes, in the leanness of his body and its response to mine.

How long we stood in front of the fire or how we got to the bed I don’t know.

Our lovemaking was fierce and wordless. Afterward I lay next to him, his heart steady in my ear, and I slept at last.

I woke sometime in the night and he was gone.

The fire had dwindled to embers and as I gathered the bedcovers around me to ward off the cold the thought came unbidden and unwelcome: It will ever be like this.

You’ll always wake alone . I threw a nightdress on and, wrapping my cloak around me, stole from the room.

All was quiet as I crept down the stairs, and at the bottom one of our men-at-arms nodded at me. “Where is he?” I whispered.

“In the library, Lady Mary.”

I laid my hand on his arm in thanks and went down the dark corridor, listening to the sounds of Robert’s men snoring in the hall.

The library door was open and I stood in the dark doorway watching Alex at his grandfather’s desk, writing in the glow of the candle.

From this angle his face seemed uninjured.

Without raising his eyes, he spoke quietly, his voice calm.

“Come in, lass. I’m finished. Angus just left.

” He looked up at me. “He had a few comments. And suggestions.”

I closed the door behind me. “He wanted you to leave.”

“Aye,” he said, carefully putting the pen away.

“Did you sleep at all?”

I moved to stand before the hearth and he joined me.

“I’ll sleep in prison,” he said and stirred the fire, rubbing his hands on his thighs while I watched him.

I’ll never feel those lean legs next to me again , I thought, and closed my eyes.

This is not possible. At any moment someone will rush in and shout that it is all a mistake or a dream and all will be well again .

I opened my eyes to find him watching me.

He extended his arms and I flew into them.

“Ye’ve been a good wife, Mary,” he whispered into my hair.

“I’ve been proud to have been yer husband.

I’m sorry that I ruined everything.” I looked into his face, opening my mouth to speak, but he put a finger to my lips.

“Hush, lass,” he said softly. “Get warmed now. Then we have something to do.”

We stood silently by the fire until at last he took a candle and my hand, then walked through the dark house wordlessly while he looked at everything slowly.

I watched him memorizing the house as we moved through the rooms and finally into the chapel, where he put a candle on a pew and took both my hands.

His expression was carefully blank as he faced me but his eyes were very bright.

“We were wed in this very spot almost three years ago, Mary Rose. Do ye remember?” His voice was serious but remote. He might have been talking to a stranger.

“Yes, Alex,” I said softly. “I’m not likely to forget it.”

He sighed and looked over my head. “Mary, I am releasing ye from those vows. I’ve written to the bishop asking for an annulment.

We have no children together, so it is…

” His eyes met mine. “Ye do no’ have to be the widow of a traitor.

Ye can go to England again. Ye could have yer life back.

…” My face must have shown my feelings, for he faltered and stared at me.

I was so angry that at first I could not speak.

I ripped my hands out of his grip as I whirled away.

My entire body shook with rage and it was with difficulty that I faced him.

“I will not do this, Alexander MacGannon,” I said fiercely.

“You cannot cast me off as you would a…I will not be annulled! How dare you ask me to wed you and be your wife forever and at the first sign of trouble throw our marriage away! I became your wife willingly and I will die your wife, you huge fool!” I glared at him.

At first he stood watching me with a startled look, then he laughed.

The fool laughed so hard that he had to sit down.

I crossed my arms until he stopped. Wiping his eyes, he looked at me again and drew a deep breath.

“Of all of the responses ye could have made, Mary Rose,” he said, “I dinna expect that one.” His expression grew sober.

“But, lass, this is no’ exactly the first sign of trouble.

We’re in a barrelful of trouble.” He shook his head ruefully and extended his hand.

“I dinna mean to make ye angry, lass. I am sorry to be such…to have gotten us in this.” He took a deep breath as I took his hand.

“I am sorry ye married such a huge fool.”

I knelt before him and put my hands on his arms. He looked down at me wordlessly, his eyes very blue.

You’ll never see these eyes again , I thought and pushed the thought away.

“Alex, my darling man,” I said gently. “I have loved you for so long. I will always love you. You cannot protect me by releasing me. I married you in this chapel, and when I said my vows in front of witnesses and your sons, I meant every word. How can you ask me to retract that now? How can you ask me to let you go when we have so little time together? The greatest joy I have ever known has been as your wife, Alex. Do not take it from me. I will die your wife. And I will live as your wife. Proudly.”

He searched my face, then gave me a shaky nod as he pulled me up and stood facing me. He took both my hands in his. “Mary,” he said, “I will love ye until I die.” His voice was steady and sure, as it had been on the day we wed, and he lifted my hand to his mouth, kissing my fingers while I watched.

“Alex, I will love you till the end of the world, beyond death.” He kissed me then, a bittersweet kiss, and I wrapped my arms around him. The last night, the last night , my thoughts roared. At last he leaned back and looked into my face.

“Mary, will ye care for my boys? Or would ye have Angus take them off yer hands? Ye ken he will if I ask.”

“They’re mine now, too, Alex,” I said softly. “I’m losing my husband. Don’t take my sons.”

He nodded. “Will ye tell them when they’re older the truth of it?

I wouldna have them think their father lost their land for lack of sense.

Well, that’s true enough. I did lose their land for lack of sense but I dinna mean to.

” He laughed ruefully. “Perhaps ye can tell them so I sound a bit brighter than I feel the now.”

“I’ll tell them the truth, Alex. I’ll tell them their father was a man of courage and honor who was betrayed.”

He kissed me softly, lingering, then leaning back to look at me. “I was afraid of yer opinion of me when we returned,” he said.

I stroked his uninjured cheek. “Alex,” I said, “I never had any doubt that you did what you thought best. Always. You acted out of a sense duty and honor and love for your people. Your only sin was that you trusted the wrong men. Theirs is the wrong here, Alex, not yours. Not yours. To ask men to risk all and when they do, to leave the job half done is a cruel thing. It’s James Stewart and the Earl of Mar who should be asking your forgiveness.

And the MacDonald. And Malcolm. Not you of me.

I admit I was very angry when you left and hurt that you didn’t choose mine above all other claims. All this Gaelic pride and clan duty seemed so very unnecessary to me then.

But I’ve had a lot of time to think these months you’ve been gone.

I never doubted that you would do the right thing as you saw it. Never.”

“Ah, lass,” he said. “Thank ye for that. Ye have no idea what a gift you’ve just given me.” I kissed him again and he returned it and for a moment the world went away.

After I made sure the letter to the bishop had been burned, we returned to our room again.

Alex stirred the fire, then came to me by the window while we waited for dawn.

He stood behind me, his hands slipping forward to cup my breasts, and when I turned to face him our desire ignited once again.

We made love before the fireplace in a frenzy and then climbed into bed to lie together dozing.

After a while he sat up and stared across the room.

In profile he looked unbattered and I savored the moment to watch him.

Few men were so handsome and this one was mine. For another few moments.

“Tell me about Malcolm,” I said softly.

He looked at me in surprise. “Do ye not ken?”

“I want to hear it from you.”