Page 28 of The Weight Of It All

Twelve

Reed opened his apartment door, freshly showered, wearing his new jeans and plain grey T-shirt that seemed to defy the laws of stretch and comfort. He grinned when he saw me, and he stepped aside. “Please, come in.”

He smelled of soap and deodorant, and suddenly my nerves kicked in. Or was it anticipation? The butterflies in my stomach couldn’t tell the difference. But then I noticed him, or rather, noticed how nervous he was.

He licked his lips and wiped his hands on his thighs, then ran his hand across his stomach like he was in knots inside.

I went to him and put my hand on his arm. “Hey. You okay?”

He let out a breathy laugh. “Yeah. Bit nervous.”

A bit? “Don’t be. It’s just me.”

He gave me that eye-crinkling smile and let out a deep breath. “It’s been a weird few days, huh?”

“Well, the weirdness yesterday was all mine. I freaked out, and I’m sorry. But this morning was great, actually.” I blushed as I remembered the way he kissed me, and the memory of what his mouth could do made me warm all over. “You can kiss me like that anytime.”

He barked out a laugh. “Ah, yeah. About that… I should apologise for how my body reacted to that.” His cheeks tinted pink. “That was embarrassing.”

I trailed my hand up his arm, feeling the swell of his biceps and the heat of his body. My eyes met his, and I whispered, “Don’t apologise for that.”

Reed took a step back and let out a shaky breath. “Okay, wow.” He laughed and shook his head, as if to clear it. “I need to tell you something first. I want to kiss you again, but I want to be honest with you before we decide what we’re doing.”

Okay now I was officially worried. Anika’s conversation came back to me. “Does it involve fish in any way?”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

He chuckled, and taking my hand, he led me to the kitchen.

Okay, the kitchen was a weird place for this conversation and not what I expected, but I went along with it.

He left me leaning against the kitchen counter, then putting a distance between us, he leant against the opposite counter.

He fidgeted with his hands until deciding to shove them in his pockets.

“Em told me what you and her talked about.”

I nodded. “Yep. She gave me the shake down. She didn’t threaten me exactly, but we all know she could snap me in half, so it didn’t really need saying.”

Reed smiled. “She’s just worried about me. That’s all.”

“I’m glad she is.”

“Me too.” He took a deep breath. “I was kinda down yesterday afternoon. After you disappeared, I thought for sure I wouldn’t see you again. I have to admit, I was surprised to see you this morning.”

“I needed to apologise. I really am sorry for leaving yesterday. I had hoped something was building between us, and then when I saw you without your shirt on, being all fit and gorgeous with other fit and gorgeous people, I let my insecurities win. And I’m sorry.”

“Because you thought I couldn’t possibly be interested in you…”

I nodded. “Yeah.” I took a fortifying breath. If we stood any chance, I needed to be able to tell him this. “I mean, you could have any guy you wanted. And I’m… well, I’m not like them.”

“Exactly. You’re nothing like them. That’s why. I wasn’t joking when I told you I like that we talk about food and everything else. All the other guys I meet just wanna talk about lifting weights, protein powders, and how good they look. But you talk to me about real stuff. You make me laugh.”

“But I’m… and you’re…”

He folded his arms. “What?”

“Well,” I tried to think of an appropriate comparison. “You’re the Disney prince, and I’m Shrek.”

He chuckled. “But you’re not, Henry. And anyway, I happen to like Shrek.” He let out a long breath, and his smile faded away. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“If I looked different, would this have been an issue for you?”

“What?”

“If I was big. If I was overweight. If I didn’t look like this.” He waved his hand in front of himself. “Would you have believed I could possibly be interested in you?”

I shrugged. “I haven’t thought of that. I don’t know. It would probably make more sense.”

“You said this morning you thought I should be with someone who has a body type like mine―”

“No, I meant physical interests, like fitness and exercise. I’m sorry if that came out wrong.”

He considered that apology. “So, if for example Anika was a plus-sized woman, would you tell her not to date an athletic guy?”

“No. Never. She’s the best, if not craziest person I know. Someone, anyone, would be lucky to have her.” There was more to this than he was letting on. “Why?”

“I’m trying to figure out what you really think about body image.”

I shook my head, not sure why he was asking.

“Okay, honestly? I hate it. I hate that people are given labels. Believe me, I’ve had enough labels to last a lifetime: gay, queen, fat, old.

I wish the media would stop pushing unrealistic body images that cause kids to starve themselves so a company can sell a pair of fucking shorts.

I wish bigger people weren’t ridiculed and shamed and ignored.

I wish people weren’t judged for how they looked… ”

And that stopped me.

Because that’s exactly what I’d done. I’d judged him and his friends. I’d assumed so much about them, based purely on their physical appearances.

“Oh God.” I put my head in my hands as realisation crept over me like a cold blanket. “I did that, didn’t I? I’m sorry.” Big warm hands were on mine, peeling them from my face. Reed lifted my chin, and I had to look up to see into his eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. It was soft and sweet, and all too brief. He pulled back and almost smiled. “Thank you.”

“I’m sorry for being a judgmental jerk.”

He smiled kindly. “I want to show you something.”

Oh, I’d almost forgotten about that. But I now understood why he brought me into the kitchen. Because there were photos on his fridge, and without another word, Reed pointed to one in particular .

It was a candid shot of a big guy. He was really tall, had a big belly, double chin. Young but very overweight, with familiar eyes. “Is that…?”

“Yes, that’s me.”

My gaze shot to his for a disbelieving moment, then I looked back at the photo. It really was him. The smile was the same, the eyes… My God.

“I was always the big kid.” Reed smiled sadly.

“You want labels? I had plenty. Chubby, lard-arse, fatso. When I was sixteen, I played football, front row. I crushed hard on the captain of the water polo team. He was gay, and as far as I knew, we were the only two gay guys in my year at school. We got on well, laughed together, hung out in the same crowd… Anyway, there was this party and we hooked up, but he said we couldn’t be any more than physical.

Like, he would never be my boyfriend because I was so fat. ”

“Did he say that?”

“He made it pretty clear.”

“Oh Reed, I’m really sorry.”

“That’s why what Graham said to you really hit home for me. I know exactly what you felt like. I mean, I didn’t have eight years with him…”

“But you loved him.”

He nodded.

“What was his name?”

“Taj.”

“Sounds like a captain of a water polo team. Suppose he was gorgeous and a total jerk.”

Reed smiled. “Yeah. But can you see now? I would never judge a person by their body type because I’ve been there. I’ve been that guy for years that was called names and stereotyped, or worse, ignored, because he was big. I have been where you are.”

I blinked back tears .

“But Henry, I am still the same guy that’s in that photo.

I am the same person now as I was when I was at my heaviest, yet people treated me differently.

They treated me like I was a nobody, the butt of jokes because of my size.

I mean, being six foot three at sixteen wasn’t easy, and I was big.

Like really big.” He smiled with a far off look in his eyes as he obviously remembered something.

“After Taj dumped me, I worked my arse off for twelve months: dieted, exercised, and I treated it like my job. Then I ran into him when we were eighteen, at a bar. He went off to college, and I hadn’t seen him in, jeez, well over a year.

He didn’t recognise me at first, but he sure was interested.

Then I told him it was me, and after he’d almost fallen over, I told him to fuck off. ”

“Good for you.”

“And you look at me now and think I have it easy, but Henry, it’s not.

Because now the opposite happens. People only notice me for my body.

They only want to be with me because I work out.

It’s all about weights and reps, and I love my job, but no one asks about me .

” He took a deep breath and licked his lips.

“Until you. You wanted to know the real me.” Then he put his hand on the photograph stuck to his fridge.

“Because this is who I am. I’m the guy who knows what it’s like not to feel good enough because of my body.

And that’s why it hurt when you assumed that of me. ”

I put my hand on his chest, over his heart, and looked up at him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was a jerk.”

Reed laughed. “You only said it because of your own insecurities, and that’s something I understand. I’ve been there, Henry.”

“I’m still sorry. I didn’t realise how the stigma goes both ways.”

He put his hand on my shoulder; his thumb traced my jaw. “So, now you know the real me, are you still interested? ”

“Of course I am. More interested, I think. Thank you for showing me this part of you.”

He took my face in his huge hands, and tilting my head back, he kissed me.

Like really fucking kissed me. He owned that kiss, and in that moment, he owned me.

I had never been man-handled before, by someone bigger and stronger, by someone who totally dominated me, and I had to admit it. I really fucking liked it.

I melted into him and let him kiss me however he wanted. He was all strong arms and sure hands, sweet lips and sultry tongue.