Page 19 of The Weight Of It All

“You should. You need a newly-single fuck.”

“Anika!”

She was silent for a long moment. “Oh my God, Henry…”

I nodded, even though she couldn’t see. “I know.”

“You like him.”

“I don’t know. I think so? How is that possible?”

I heard her mumble something like her hand was covering the phone. Then she said, “We’ll be around for dinner. Cook us something nice, Henry.”

And the line was dead. I drove home in a daze. This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t possible. Surely this was just some rebound mental lapse of reason.

I got home and plonked my new gym clothes on the dining table when I saw the box of the things Graham left behind.

I went to it and ran my fingers over the sweater folded and shoved on top.

I didn’t know what anything between Reed and me meant.

I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what I was capable of right now.

But I knew one thing for certain. I picked up the box and put it outside by the front door.

I’d take it up to Vinnies Charity Shop tomorrow.

That part of my life was over. Who I was when I was with him was gone.

With a satisfied smile, I went back inside and cooked dinner.

Anika and Sean arrived around half five, and by then I had entrées of grilled prawns with a honey and chili sauce, a main course of pork tenderloin and salad, and dessert of glazed fig and pear with honeycomb wafers and yoghurt.

“Sweet mother of God, this smells so good,” Anika said as she walked in to my kitchen. She and Sean inspected all the food, then she kissed my cheek. “I love it when you get in a cooking mood.”

“Jesus,” Sean said. He looked at Anika. “Why can’t you cook like this?”

“Same reason you can’t,” she quipped back at him. “You burn toast.”

Sean rolled his eyes. “One time! I burned toast one time.” He smiled at me then produced a bottle of wine. “It’s not schnapps.”

“Thank God,” Anika mumbled.

I agreed. “Never again.”

“I saw the box by the front door,” Anika said softly.

I nodded. “Getting it out of the house felt right. We don’t need to burn it. There’s a charity shop up on Darling Street. I’ll take it up there in a day or so.”

She smiled at me. “Good for you.”

“You look good, Henry,” Sean said. “I haven’t seen you in a few weeks. You can really see a difference. How much weight have you lost?”

“I don’t know. Reed said it’s best not to get caught up on numbers. He said I should see a difference in my clothes and fitness levels before the scales change.”

Sean nodded. “Well, I can definitely see a difference. You’ve lost a few inches for sure.”

“Definitely.” Anika hummed. “So, Reed, huh?”

Instead of answering, I picked up a plate of grilled prawns and handed it to her. “Take it to the table please.”

I knew Anika was itching to ask me what happened today, what warranted my call to her after I left his house sounding a little freaked out.

But we at least managed to get through dinner first. Sean planted himself in front of the Sunday football, and Anika and I sat at the table, our empty plates and dishes pushed away.

“I’ll clean it all up later,” I told her.

She didn’t argue. She just poured me a small glass of wine and sighed. “How are you doing, Henry?”

“I’m okay.” It wasn’t a lie. It just wasn’t the whole truth.

“Are you lonely?”

I thought about that for a moment. “Not really. I thought I would be, but maybe Graham and I didn’t talk as much as I thought we did.

I can’t really decide exactly what’s changed since he left.

I take both bins out now. I don’t buy as much coffee.

He did clean the bathroom and he’d do my laundry about as often as I did his.

But I don’t know. There’s no gaping hole where he used to be.

” I sighed loudly. “I look around my house, now he’s not here, and can’t find anything different. ”

Anika put her hand on mine.

“Were we that bad?” I asked. “Were we so lifeless and mundane and I was just blind to it? Because I thought I was happy, but I’m pretty sure I was just comfortable. I was happy just knowing he was a constant thing, but we didn’t have a relationship. We had a mutually agreeable companionship.”

“Maybe,” she said cautiously. “I think all long-term relationships are hard work, and complacency is a death sentence.”

“True.” I nodded and sipped my wine. “We had spark and we were vibrant and colourful in the beginning, but things had been monochrome for a long time. I can’t explain it any other way.

I don’t remember there being one point where things changed.

It wasn’t bad, and we never fought. We just got complacent.

I can see that now. I can see why Graham wanted out. ”

“And what about Reed?”

“I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know?” Anika’s brow furrowed.

“Because I’ll tell you what I know. You spend a lot of time together.

Outside of the gym. You hang out together, you talk on the phone for over an hour.

You smile more now than I can remember seeing for years.

You look happier, Henry. And it’s because of him. ”

“It’s just flattering and good for the ego,” I admitted.

“Being dumped because I’m old and overweight wasn’t exactly good for my self-esteem.

But Reed tells me I’m doing great, and he says nice things to me, and it’s pretty fucking sad that I need to hear it from some guy I’m paying to help me lose weight. ”

She frowned. “I tell you these things. You don’t pay me.”

“I pay you in food and wine, and daily phone calls.”

“True.” She sipped her wine and sighed. “But it’s more than that with him, Henry. And you know it. You don’t pay him to take you to the markets or to spend the day with you in the city. The phone calls, text messages, coffee at his place…” She looked at me sincerely. “I think he likes you, Henry.”

I shook my head. “Not possible.”

“Why not?”

“Have you seen him?”

“Actually no, I haven’t. Looks don’t matter, Henry.”

“They do when you look like him. Guys hit on him all the time. Like today! God, I thought that sales guy was gonna drop to his knees in the change rooms.”

“And what did Reed do?”

“He said he wasn’t his type, so he pretended we were boyfriends so the other guy would leave him alone.”

Anika raised an eyebrow at me.

“But it wasn’t like that.”

“And what did he do when he met Colin and James?”

“He pretended we were boyfriends so they’d think…” Anika pursed her lips, raising both eyebrows this time. “It wasn’t like that. ”

I took out my phone and scrolled through Facebook until I found the gym’s page and then showed her photos of Reed.

Anika’s eyes widened. “Holy shit.”

“See what I mean! He looks like Chris Hemsworth! Just better. God, even the buffed up guys at the gym hit on him all the time. And I’m pretty sure some of them are straight.”

“And what does he do about it?”

“Nothing. He said they’re not his type.”

“He has a few not-types. What actually is his type?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe you should ask him.”

I shook my head. “It’s too soon. I don’t want him to be some rebound guy because he’s better than that.”

“Because you like him more than you’re admitting.”

I drained my wine in one mouthful and glared at her. “Shut up. You’re bad for my liver.”

“So, you think you’re not ready emotionally? Or is it something else?”

I’d been friends with Anika long enough to know there was no avoiding something if she wanted to get to the bottom of it. It’s what made her great at her job and really fucking annoying as a best friend. “Both. I don’t know. I’m not ready. I need to be me for a while.”

“And?”

“And you’ve seen him?” I waved my hand at my phone. “He’s so out of my league. It’s not possible outside of those cheesy Hollywood movies.”

Anika gasped. “You love those movies!”

“Not when it’s reality. And the very likely reality is that Reed had a bet to see if he could make the fat gay boy cry like in Can’t Hardly Wait .” I felt bad for even saying that.

Anika gawped at me. “Do you think that’s what he’s doing?”

“No. I don’t. He wouldn’t do that. ”

“Then give him some credit. Though the scene at the end is excellent. You’d make the best prom queen.”

I sighed. “I know, right?”

Sean laughed from the couch. “Sorry. Don’t mind me.”

I looked at Anika, and she took both my hands in hers. “What am I doing?” I whispered. “I thought I had my Mr Forever with Graham, but as it turns out, I spent the last six or so years deluding myself. You know what’s worse than being alone?”

She squeezed my hands. “What’s that?”

“Being with someone and being alone at the same time.”

Anika frowned. “Oh, honey.”

“I didn’t realise how alone I was when Graham and I were together. Until he left and I actually was alone, and truthfully, nothing was different.”

“And how does Reed make you feel?”

“Happy. But…” I added the all-important but before she could get carried away.

“But would anyone else make me happy, or is it just him? What if I walked into another gym, or what if a different personal trainer took me on, would I like spending time with them too? Maybe it’s just the attention and new conversations, the new direction that makes me happy. I don’t know.”

Anika seemed to consider that possibility. “I’m pretty sure no other personal trainers spend that much time with clients outside of work, Henry.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying, that if you happened to get a different personal trainer, they’re not going to the markets with you, they’re not spending Sunday afternoons in the city clothes shopping and inviting you back to their place for coffee.

That’s what I’m saying. I think Reed does that because he likes you. ”

“What do I do?”

“You like him, I know you do. You can’t lie to me, Henry, you’ve never been able to.” Anika sat back in her chair. “You need to decide if you want to act on it? If you want to wait? If you’re happy to just let it go? Only you can answer that, Henry.”

“What would you do?”

She looked at me like I was crazy. “If that picture you showed me was Reed, I’d be climbing him like a freakin’ tree.”

“Hey!” Sean protested from the sofa. “I’m still here, you know!”

Anika gave him her puppy dog eyes. “I know, my love.” Then she turned to me and whispered, “But Reed’s really hot.”

“Yep.” Sean said, nodding slowly. “Still here. Still not deaf.”

“Still not Chris Hemsworth,” Anika replied. She took my phone and walked over to the back of the sofa, pulled Sean’s head back, and planted a kiss on his lips. “But I’d climb you like a tree too.” Then she showed him the photo of Reed at the gym that I’d shown her. “See?”

Sean took the phone and inspected the image. It was a photo of Reed in a muscle shirt lifting weights. It was a candid shot of him doing a workout, but he was sweaty and smiling. Sean let out a low whistle. “Yeah, okay. I’d probably climb him like a tree too.”

I groaned. “You guys aren’t helping.”

Anika came back to join me at the table. She slid into her seat and handed me my phone. “But it’s not just what he looks like,” she said. “You’re not a superficial person, Henry.”

“Of course I’m not.”

“But I have to know…” Anika bit her lip and waggled her eyebrows. “Is he in proportion?”

I swatted her hand. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen… that part of him.” Then I remembered the one pair of jeans he tried on were tight enough that I could pretty much see that yes, he was in proportion. “Looks don’t matter to me.”

“If you say size doesn’t matter, I’m gonna call you a liar liar, pants on fire.”

I laughed at that. “Well, you’ve clearly never had anal sex with a man endowed with a horse dick.”

Anika snorted. “Oh, I’ve had anal sex with a guy who has a huge dick. I just wasn’t the one who bottomed.”

Sean shoved his face into a cushion, mumbling something I couldn’t make out, and Anika burst out laughing.

She pointed to him and winked as she laughed.

Then she pushed my shoulder and said, “Hey, why do you assume I’d bottom?

Jesus, Henry, you know me better than that.

I’m a top, through and through, honey. Please tell me you know Reed’s a top, right? ”

I had no doubt. And I could almost feel how good those calloused hands would scrape against my skin and how they’d feel as he manhandled me around the bed. “Oh yeah.”

Anika nodded slowly. “You’re picturing it right now, aren’t you?”

“Shut up.”

She clapped her hands together and stood up. “On that note, we’ll be off.”

Sean shot to his feet. “Yes. Because God knows, Henry doesn’t need to hear more about our sex life. I’m really sorry about that.”

“Don’t apologise,” I replied. “I like learning new things about my friends.”

Sean rolled his eyes, and Anika kissed my cheek. “Love you, Henry. And for what it’s worth, I think you should take a chance with Reed. And if it doesn’t work out, then at least you get to have great sex with a guy with a horse dick.”

Sean dragged her to the front door. “I’m considering limiting your consumption of wine when you two are together.”

They got half out the door when Anika tried to whisper and failed. “And I’m considering pegging you again when we get home.”

Sean stopped, looked at Anika, then at me, then cleared his throat. Without a word, he turned and led Anika down the path. I closed the door with a smile and spent the next hour cleaning my kitchen.

I fell into bed, happy. Happy with the new direction, happy with the possibilities of what might be.

I didn’t know if it included Reed. But I couldn’t wait to find out.