Page 61 of The Way I Used to Be

“Still, I feel like I should tell you I’m concerned or something, tell you to stop doing that.”

“I know what I’m doing.” I reach across the table and steal a spoonful of her chocolate ice cream. “No cause for concern, I promise. It’s honestly not a big deal. Really.”

She shakes her head and shrugs, returning her attention to her banana split. “Do you think Alex and Troy are ever not high?” she asks, trying to change the subject.

“Not that I’ve ever seen,” I say with a laugh.

“They’re nice though, at least,” she points out.

I nod. I take another spoonful of ice cream. “I did something kind of not nice to Troy, Mara.”

“Oh no, did you have—you know—with him?” she asks. “When?”

“No, not with him. I kind of slept with his older brother,” I confess. “At that party way back, at his house—it was really his brother’s party. I’ve been feeling guiltier and guiltier about it every time we see him.”

“Why did you do that?” she asks.

“Well, I didn’t plan on it, or anything. It didn’t mean anything. I never even spoke to him again after that. What—why are you looking at me like that?” I ask her, her face more horrified with every word I say.

“Sorry. I’m not judging. I’m just surprised—I just didn’t know that had happened. That’s all.”

“Well, it did happen. But it didn’t mean anything. I don’t even know why I’m telling you, actually.”

“No, I want you to tell me. I don’t want you keeping all these secrets from me.”

“I don’t keep secrets from you,” I lie.

“Okay.” She pushes the banana split across the table. “You have to help me finish this—it’s melting.”

“IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOKa lot like hmm-hmm,” Mom half sings as she stands on top of one of the dining room chairs holding a string of tinselly green garland. “Edy, hand me that thumbtack,” she calls over to me as I fidget in my seat, gnawing on my fingernails, counting down the minutes until Caelin gets here. I take my phone out of my pocket. Nothing. No calls, no texts, no distractions.

I’m desperate.

I text Troy:can we meet up in a while? need a little help *relaxing*

“Edy!” my mom calls again. “Bring me one of those.”

“Oh, right. Sorry. Here,” I say, holding out a palm full of metal tacks.

“Thanks.” She smiles, catching my eye. “You know, it’s nice to have you around for a change. We never see you since Mara started driving. You girls always have something to do, somewhere to be.” She sighs.

My phone vibrates in my pocket. Troy:no prob. for u... anytime

“That reminds me,” I tell her, thinking fast. “I know Caelin’s coming home tonight, but I have to go do some last-minute shopping at the mall. Mara’s picking me up,” I lie.

“Edy!” she says, pursing her lips, hand on hip. “You have to plan better than this.”

“I know, I just forgot a couple of things.” I text back:thx. 6:00 @ playground?

“Well, you’ll be hard pressed to find anything decent two days before Christmas.” Shetsk-tsk-tsksher tongue at me, shaking her head. “Why don’t I just take you now before Caelin gets here?”

Troy:can’t wait :)

“Mom, you hate the mall. Besides, Mara needs to go too. And you’re in the middle of”—I look around at the mountains of decorations and fuzzy snow—“you know, all this,” I finish.

“Fine.” She relents. “But let’s take it easy for the next couple of weeks, huh? Your brother doesn’t get to make it back here as often as we’d like—as often as he’d like—we need to all make an effort to spend some quality time, okay?”

“Why are you tellingmethis? He’s the one who’s going to be spending all his time with Kevin.”