Page 18 of The Way I Used to Be

He looks disappointed. “Tomorrow then,” he says with a shrug, brushing it off.

“Sure.”

And then he looks up at me with his smile, and I can feel his eyes watching me as I leave. I’m barely breathing. My heart feels light and fast—too fast.

I walk through the doors of the library, quietly making my way to her office. I see her sitting at her desk going through some papers. I knock softly.

“Eden, come on in!” She smiles, her voice warm.

I sit down in one of her chairs. “Hi, Miss Sullivan.”

“So, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

“I just wanted to say hi.” I just needed a place to hide. Again.

“That’s so sweet. Thank you, Eden.” There’s this pause—this silence that lasts too long. Thankfully, she fills it. “You know, I was just thinking back to last year. I remember you had initially wanted to volunteer?”

“Oh yeah, I did.” I’d nearly forgotten.

“Well, there’re still some spots open... if you’re interested, that is.”

“Really? Yeah, I am. I mean, yes. Definitely!”

“Okay. When are you free?” she asks, pulling up the schedule on her computer.

“Now, I guess. I have study hall, and then directly after I have lunch, so I could even volunteer third and fourth periods. I mean, if you need me. If you need help, I mean.”

“Well, I do need help, but I want you,” she says pointedly, tracing her finger along the boxes of her calendar. “Okay! We’re in luck; it looks like that’s going to work out perfectly!”

“Great. When do I start?”

“No time like the present,” she says, opening her arms in this welcoming gesture. Miss Sullivan takes me through the checkout process and teaches me about the database and how to locate the books on the shelves. She watches while I check out my first customer.

“You’re a natural!” she tells me. I smile back at her, not with my new smile but my real one. I’m glad to be around her again—she makes me feel like maybe I really am normal. Like things really will be okay.

“SO, SOMETHING REALLY WEIRDhappened yesterday,” I tell Mara as we begin our walk home from school.

“Oooh, what?” she asks eagerly.

“So, do you know that guy Josh Miller? He’s a senior on the basketball team?”

“Of course.”

“Yeah. Of course. Well, he was talking to me. Liketalkingto me. It almost seemed like... I don’t know. No, forget it. It’s stupid.” I laugh.

“No, what? You have to tell me now—I’m hooked!”

“Okay. But first, believe me, I know full well exactly how stupid this is going to sound,” I warn her.

“Oh. My. God—just tell me!” she demands, laughing.

“Well, you know how I dropped band? So, I got put in this study hall instead. And he’s in there—Josh—and he gave up the seat next to him so I could sit there. And then he was trying to talk to me, almost like he was actually... interested.” I wait for her to start laughing, but she just continues to look at me. “Interested in me, I mean,” I clarify.

“Okay, first of all, why would you think I would think that’s stupid? And second of all... WOOO-HOOOO!” she screams, jumping up and down right in the middle of the street. “YEEEEESSSS!”

“Oh my gosh, stop! You’re crazy!” I yell. But we’re both laughing uncontrollably.

“So what happened next?” she asks, her laugh fading as she tries to catch her breath.