Page 46 of The Way I Used to Be

“I have to talk to you,” he whispers. “You gonna let me in?”

I move aside, closing the door behind him.

“What, are you sleeping on the floor?” he asks, stepping over my sleeping bag.

“It’s my back,” I lie.

As he sits down on the edge of the bed, it howls. I feel my insides tighten. “Edy, sit,” he tells me, patting the empty space next to him. I pull up my desk chair instead.

“What?” I sigh, crossing my arms while I stare at him.

“Edy, me and Kevin, we went out with some of the guys tonight.” He pauses like I’m supposed to say something. “Some of the guys we used to play ball with.” Pauses again, waiting for some reaction on my part. “Some of them areseniorsnow?”

I can see where the conversation is heading, but I’m going to make him say it—say every word. “Yeah, and...?”

“Okay. And some of them were saying things. About you, I mean. Lies, of course. But I just wanted to make sure nobody’s been, I don’t know, like, harassing you or something?” he says uncertainly.

“Why, what did they say?”

He opens his mouth but starts laughing. “I can’t believe I’m even telling you this. I mean, it’s crazy, it’s so stupid. They said—they were saying that there’re all these rumors about you being some kind of”—he stops himself, and then mumbles—“slut, or whatever. But look, don’t worry, I stuck up for you. You know, I told them you aren’t like that.” He shakes his head back and forth, still smiling at the absurdity of it. “Christ, I mean, you don’t even know Joshua Miller, do you?”

“Yeah, I know him,” I answer.

“What?” he says, his voice unsteady.

“I know him pretty well, actually.” I grin.

The color drains from his face, and then returns abruptly. He laughs again. “Oh God, you’re kidding! You’re kidding. Jesus, you scared the shit out of me for a second there.” He continues laughing nervously as he studies my face.

I don’t laugh, don’t crack a smile. Blank.

“Wait. You are fucking with me, right?”

I just stare straight at him—no emotion, no regret.

His smile fades then. “Please tell me you’re joking, Eeds. Please,” he begs, hoping this is another one of those times when he just doesn’t get it.

I shake my head, shrug. No big deal.

And silence.

A lot of silence.

I don’t mind. In fact, I’m really beginning to like the silence. It’s become my ally. Things happen in silence. If you don’t let it get to you, it can make you stronger; it can be your shield, impenetrable.

“I can’t—Edy, what are you even... thinking?” he accuses, tapping his index finger against his temple. “I’m gone for a year and all of a sudden you’re—I can’t believe—you’re just a kid, for Christ’s sake!”

“A kid?” I snort. “Um, hardly.”

“No. Eden, you can’t do this.”

“Oh, really? Who are you to tell me what I can’t do?” I challenge.

“I’m your brother, okay—that’s who! I mean, do you have any idea what they’re saying about you?” he whispers, pointing his thumb at my bedroom door as if all the guys who were calling me a whore were packed into our living room like sardines, just on the other side of my bedroom wall.

“I don’t care,” I lie.

“No,” he declares, as if hisnochanges things. “This isn’t you, Edy,” he says, waving his hand over me. “No, no.” He repeats as if hisnois the definitive end to all things about me that don’t fit with his idea of who I’m supposed to be.