Page 36 of The Way I Used to Be

“Maybe they’re not really my friends. No, I don’t mean that,” he corrects himself right away, as if he’s committed sacrilege against the divine covenant of popular kids. “It’s just embarrassing is all.”

“It’s not embarrassing.”

He shrugs.

“I’m glad you told me,” I whisper. I open my mouth again, the words almost there, wanting so badly to come out. All that honesty saturating the atmosphere, filling in the gaps that exist between us. It does stuff to my brain, like a drug; it makes me want to tell the truth. I feel dangerously capable.

“I’m glad too,” he says quietly. “Don’t tell anyone, okay? Please,” he adds, a weakness to his voice I had never heard before.

He’s in luck, doesn’t know just how well I can keep a secret. “I would never,” I whisper back. “Promise.”

And so, at 3:45 in the morning, after hours of talking, he reaches up to turn the lamp off and kisses me good night, pulling the afghan tighter around us. As he lays his head back down on my chest he says, “I can hear your heart.”

It’s a simple, sweet thing to say. I smile a little. But then I feel my heart do something funny—it’s the thump, thump, thumping of the proverbial part of the organ. And around the time the moon and sun are coexisting in the sky, turning the room inside out with that eerie, yet calming, pale glow, I have a terrible thought: I like him. I really, really like him. Like,love-like him. Like, with my metaphorical heart. Like, if I had an x-ray, it would show an arrow lodged right into the center of that bloody, bleeding mass of muscle in my chest. And I know, somehow, that things have changed between us.

“ALL RIGHT!” MARA SAYS,as she walks into my bedroom that weekend. “Let’s download. It’s time you start spilling, Edy—I’m supposed to be your best friend, right?”

I close and lock the door behind her.

“What do you mean?” I ask as she plops down on my bed and takes her coat off.

“I mean, do I ever get to see you anymore? You’re spending everywakingminute with Joshua Miller and you haven’t given me any details whatsoever. So, it’s time to spill your guts.”

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “What is there to tell?”

“Tons! Okay, let’s start with where are you going when you’re together every day? Are you going to Joshua Miller’s house?” she asks, raising her eyebrows.

I laugh. “Yes, I’ve even been in Joshua Miller’s bedroom.”

“No shit. Joshua Miller’s bedroom,” she repeats in awe.

“Okay, you need to stop calling him Joshua Miller, Mara. It’s weird.”

“But... he’s Joshua Miller, Edy.”

“I’m aware of that.” I sit down in my desk chair and look at her, so excited for me, and I try really hard not to get excited for me too.

“So what do you call him? Sweetie? Sexy? Sugar? Greek God?”

“Yeah, Mara, I call him Greek God.” I laugh, throwing a pillow at her face. “Josh usually does the trick, though.”

“Josh...,” she repeats, rolling the word around in her mouth. “So, what’s he really like?”

“I don’t know. He’s nice. He’s just... he’s really nice, actually.”

“And hot, don’t forget,” she adds, like I could ever forget that. “So have you... you know? Had sex?” she whispers.

I nod my head yes.

“Oh my God! What was it like? What was he like?” she asks awkwardly, scooting to the edge of the bed.

“No, I’m not discussing this.”

“Come on, I need to live vicariously through you,” she pleads.

“Well, what’s going on with you and Cameron?”

“Nothing.” She sighs. “Not even close. Still just friends.” And suddenly, the way she looks at me, I feel an entire ocean between us, and we’re standing on opposite shores, staring at each other from the farthest ends of the world.