Page 55 of The Valiant Knight (The Ravensmire Chronicles #2)

The Castle

Thursday Afternoon

Working In The Library

O h, he was never drinking again, and that was his solemn vow. Death by Scotch wasn’t a fun way to go out, and he knew that now. His stomach was raw, and he still felt like a band of drummers were having fun in his head.

It sucked.

Big-time.

Luckily for him, the people staying there had banded together to do all of his chores for the day, and they were bringing back food.

Because he didn’t think he had the patience to cook anything today.

Or to hear the goats.

When he opened his eyes, he saw Tony sitting not far away going over some paperwork. He was lost in it, so he took the time to just watch him.

The man was scribbling notes, and he didn’t think he realized he was awake.

But he did.

“Feeling better?” Tony asked.

Graham knew the jig was up, so he sat up and acclimated himself.

“A little. I still have a hangover.”

Yeah, well, when you went that hard with Scotch, you tended to pay for it the next day.

Been there.

Done that.

Working with a hangover was a miserable experience no matter how you looked at it.

“Did I miss anything?” he asked.

Tony got up and headed over to the couch to join the man. When he sat, he shared what Gabby had learned.

“Finn and Gabby did some research, and they found that Ciarán was actually sold to Duncan when he was sixteen. At the time, Duncan was eighteen.”

He listened.

“They began their relationship PRIOR to Ceit even being here.”

Graham was thinking about it.

“So what does that mean?” he asked. “I don’t solve things for a living, so catch me up.”

He did.

“It means that he likely didn’t kill her out of anger. They were trying to hide being gay, and Ceit, if anything, was their cover.”

That was wild.

“That would piss me off,” he said.

“Exactly, but she died first. So Ceit told Gabby there were four spirits here. She thinks she knows who it is, and I agree with her. The letter we found tells us.”

He was trying to think back, but his head hurt.

“Refresh my alcohol-soaked brain.”

He did.

“Ceit’s father was coming here, and Gabby thinks that he killed her when she was trying to divorce Duncan. That would bring him shame, and he had a backup plan. Daughter number two.”

Graham sighed.

“That’s shitty. Buying and selling people makes me want to puke, and that’s NOT the alcohol talking.”

Yeah, on that, they agreed.

“We’ve also come to the conclusion that we likely won’t get anything else done here. That wall is going to take time to be approved for demolition, and I have to leave. Gabby is going to come back to live here, so she’ll pop in and help when she can.”

Graham was kind of glad she would be here.

He didn’t want to be alone anymore.

“I’m glad I’ll have company.”

Tony was happy for that too.

He was hoping this man pulled through and made it. Losing anyone to suicide wasn’t a good thing. It did so much damage to those left behind.

“She sent me pages from the archives, and I’ve printed them out and put them with the book. If someone picks up after us, or Gabby keeps working it, they’ll have the breadcrumbs to follow.”

He appreciated that.

“Callen would be grateful. I hope they send more people. The castle feels less sad when it’s filled with happiness.”

Tony was curious.

“Are you going to hold up?” he asked. “Because I swear to God if I go home and find out you took your life, Graham, I’m going to be angry.”

He laughed.

“I won’t. I’m better now. Gryphen said that Elizabeth was looking for D’Artangnan, and I’ll busy myself with trying to find anything more on Duncan and Ciarán.”

That was good.

Idle hands were the Devil’s workshop.

“We also know that Ciarán was put in that third crypt, and thus, the bone fragments I found. It was created for him, but Duncan moved his body so that the people in town wouldn’t destroy him out of disgust over him being gay.”

Graham sighed.

“Why can’t people just let the gays do their thing. No one is hurting anyone.”

On that, Tony agreed.

Love was love.

“I have no idea, Graham, but maybe you can work on finding his remains. Gabby said that in the archive, she found out what happened to him.”

He was curious. He’d assumed he’d just died from illness or war.

“What?” he asked.

Tony shared.

“Their secret came out, and people snuck into the castle, and they tried to kill Duncan in his sleep. Ciarán saved him by sacrificing his life.”

That hurt Graham’s heart.

Why?

He knew that kind of love once, and how Duncan had to feel when the man he loved was gone forever.

“That had to hurt him.”

Oh, Tony bet.

“I think to get the ghosts to calm down, and that dark spirit to go away, you need to find all of the remains. So someone needs to find his bones and return them to that third crypt.”

Well, it wasn’t like he didn’t have time on his hands.

Because he did.

“I’ll work on it. He has to be buried somewhere on the grounds. I’ll start searching for Ciarán.”

That would keep him busy and give him a purpose.

“Also, I need to talk about one other thing.”

Graham waited.

So, Tony went there.

“While you were asleep, your phone was blowing up. You had four texts.”

He was tense.

“I did?”

He nodded.

“I could see them as they popped up on the home screen. They were men looking for hookups.”

His cheek twitched as that hung there.

Oh, boy.

This was mortifying.

“Graham, I’m not your father, but you need someone to have the talk with, and I’m going to be that person. How old are you?” he asked.

Graham couldn’t look him in the eyes. Those hookups were his secret shame.

“I’m thirty-six.”

Tony had mercy on the man because he understood it.

“At your age, I was doing the same thing. All I wanted was to feel something. Anything, and I can tell you from experience that meaningless sex isn’t going to save you. It’s going to hurt you in the end.”

He said nothing.

“Respect yourself enough that you can look yourself in the eyes. You can get sick by doing what you’re doing. Are you practicing safe sex?” he asked.

Graham shrugged.

“Not always.”

Tony was worried about him.

“You need to get tested, and you need to start using condoms. Your life matters, and HIV isn’t a good exit strategy.”

He laughed.

“I mean, maybe it is,” Graham said. “No one will miss me, and I can just disappear.”

He put his hand on his forearm.

“I’d miss you. Finn would miss you, and now, Gabby would too. Not to mention Gryphen and Ian. You’ve made a family,” he admitted. “You checking out via sex isn’t the way to handle this trauma you’re carrying.”

He honestly didn’t care.

“I’m empty,” Graham said.

Tony explained.

“Everyone is empty until they find a person to fill them up. I can’t tell you what will happen with the man you lost, but I can tell you what will happen if you don’t stop trying to take yourself out with your self-loathing.”

He listened.

“Christopher Leonard has HIV. I watch him struggle every single day.”

He said nothing.

“I watch him be sick, and worn down as his body continually fights to stay here. One day, you might meet your Prince Charming, and if you’re sick, that’s going to take you away from him so much faster.”

Graham wiped his eyes, but said nothing. His silence was very telling.

“He has to take medicine every day to keep his viral count low, and that’s all that keeps him here. Then, on top of that, everyone he loves and who loves him has to do the same to be safe. You deserve more than a bottle of pills keeping you alive.”

Tony ran his hand up and down his arm.

“You deserve life, and joy. Get tested, and if nothing else, and you won’t stop the meaningless fuckery in alleys, at least make sure that the people you’re sleeping with wear condoms. Losing you will hurt all of us.”

He simply nodded.

“Please?” he asked. “Again, not your father, but I care enough that I don’t want to see you being a corpse in a hospital bed as it takes you out.”

He gave in.

“I’ll go get tested.”

He kissed him on the side of his face.

“You’re valuable, Graham. Despite everything you’ve told yourself, you’re worth the fight. Someone will show you too.”

God.

Someone had.

“I just miss him,” he whispered. “D’Artangnan was everything.

I’m submissive in bed, and he just knew.

He gave me everything I needed to feel whole, and I couldn’t give him time.

It hurts so much that I didn’t just tell him to go back without me, and as soon as my tour was over, I’d join him.

It was so simple. Why couldn’t I just have done that? ”

Tony brushed the hair from his eyes.

“We can’t live in the past, Graham. All we can do is live now. If you ever get a chance to see him again, tell him. Don’t let that animosity grow where love used to live. If you get that second chance, use it.”

He let the tears come.

“I cry every day because I lost him. There isn’t a single day that I don’t mourn D’Artangnan. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was kind, loving, and special. There has never been another him.”

Tony reassured him.

“And you were those things too. If he fell in love with you, you have those same things inside of you. Let them out, and let them find love. You’ve kept them locked up for so long.”

He did.

They were his only connection to the Marine who stole his heart.

And took it with him when he left.

“Thank you for the advice,” Graham said.

It was no problem.

“Can I ask you something?”

Tony nodded.

“Sure.”

“If I was your son, would you be ashamed of me?” he asked. “Am I really as bad as they told me I was?”

With tenderness, Tony turned his face, and stared into his tear-filled eyes.

“I’m proud of you now. I would have been proud of you then. I have a son, Graham, and there’s nothing he could ever do that would make me stop loving him. What your parents did…I’m sure they regret. Maybe they didn’t at that time, but at some point, they will.”

He wiped his eyes.

“Are they still alive?” he asked.

Oh, he knew they were. He kept tabs on them, just because he had no one else to think about.

“Yes.”