Page 73 of The Stranger in Room Six

The governor calls me in to say that the police have agreed to ‘regularly patrol’ past Derek’s house. So I’m not surprised when he books another appointment to visit me.

‘What have you done now?’ he asks. His sympathy from the previous visit has clearly vanished. ‘I’ve been told we must have protection but no one will tell me why.’

‘I can’t say,’ I whisper, looking around in case someone is listening.

I could tell him the truth, but that would be too risky for everyone’s safety. I can already imagine that the increased police activity outside Derek’s six-bedroom house, built by an award-winning architect, is attracting much gossip amongst his golf-loving neighbours.

‘It’s not just that people are talking,’ he says, confirming my thoughts. ‘It’s upsetting the girls. They’re scared and embarrassed.’

All this is one more black mark against me, although it barely counts compared with the murder of their father.

‘Meanwhile,’ he adds grimly, ‘we are trying to give them as stable a family base as possible.’

I want to cry at the implication (true) that I can’t do the same.

‘Gillian is thinking of staying on after her third year and doing an MBA.’

Really? If I’d been at home, I would have discussed it with her.

‘Elspeth’s in her first year at Oxford,’ he continues.

‘I already know that,’ I say. ‘We’ve remained in close touch.’

His face clearly disapproves. ‘Have you indeed? Yet she didn’t tell you about her sister. Maybe Gillian didn’t want her to.’

I wince.

Derek looks round the visiting room. ‘This is no place for Elspeth to visit.’

I can’t disagree.

‘Would you say they’re managing emotionally?’ I ask, trembling.

‘They seem quite determined to do so.’

For a second, I sense a shared relief between us. The type you would get in a caring family. One that works together.

Then my brother in-law’s eyes harden again. ‘But this latest drama has set everything back, on top of losing their father.’

My eyes swim with tears.

‘I miss Gerald too,’ I say. ‘I loved him, in my own way …’

‘In your own way?’ He stares at me with clear disgust. ‘You showed what that was all right.’ Then he gets up. ‘I’ve nothing else to say to you.’

‘No,’ I say. ‘Please wait. Please tell the girls that I miss them.’

Elspeth already knows this but I want to reinforce this message to both of them.

‘You should have thought about that before you sent my brother to his death.’

Clearly he’s forgotten his previous words about knowing I hadn’t meant to kill Gerald. Suddenly, I feel furious with this man who has had it so easy in life.

‘Do you know what it’s like,’ I burst out, ‘to discover that the man you’ve been married to for years has been cheating and has a child with someone else?’

His eyes flash. ‘It still doesn’t give you permission to murder him.’

‘I told you. I didn’t mean to.’

‘I’m beginning to wonder now. It would have been convenient to get him out of the way, wouldn’t it?’

‘I just lost my temper!’

‘Just?’ His sarcasm is as deadly as any knife. ‘You know, Belinda, in some ways I feel sorry for you. You were never right for my brother. My parents always said so.’

I feel gutted inside. ‘Why?’

‘There was something about you that was different.’

‘Isn’t there something different about all of us?’ I retort. ‘What about your marriage? Is it perfect? Can you be certain that your wife has never betrayed you?’

‘That’s it.’ He stands up. ‘I’m going. You’re a bad woman, Belinda. You deserve to be in here.’

‘Wait! Elspeth says she’s coming to see me next month. Could you ask Gillian to come too?’

I’m begging a man who hates me but I’ll try anything to see my elder daughter.

‘Are you joking? As I said, this is no place for them.’

I watch him looking around at the noise and the anger and the tears. The sobs punctuated by desperation. The snatches of conversation: ‘The children miss you’, ‘How are we going to pay the rent?’, ‘When can I see you again?’

Then he turns back to me. ‘I reckon the police are watching us because you’ve done something to one of the other prisoners that means our family is under threat.’

‘Let me explain,’ I start to say.

But Derek has already walked out.

That evening, I call both girls on their mobiles. There’s a dead sound from Gillian’s. Has she changed her number?

Elspeth’s goes through to voicemail again.

I go back into my cell and weep. But I have to pull myself together, I’m on Listener duty this evening.

Tonight’s conversation is with a woman whose son won’t visit because he’s ashamed of her. The irony is so sharp that I almost tell her about my situation.

‘That must be hard,’ I say instead. Then I let her talk. That’s what all this is about, really. Helping someone release everything inside.

Afterwards, the chaplain tells me I’ve done a good job. ‘In fact, I’d like you to join a recruiting programme to help more people become Listeners.’

‘Thank you,’ I say. It’s nice to feel like I’m doing something right.

Meanwhile, like everyone else, I queue for the post in the morning with my heart in my mouth, desperately hoping that Elspeth has sent another letter or – miracle of miracles – that Gillian sent one too.

There’s a card for me, but the writing isn’t Elspeth’s or Gillian’s. That small, neat script in real ink takes me back to all those years ago at university.

I cannot tell you how my heart leaped when I received your letter – and then sank when I read it. I wish you would let me visit you. I know you too well to believe bad of you.

Love Imran.

How wrong he is, I tell myself, ripping up his letter.

Then, just as I’d given up hope, a visiting request comes from Elspeth.

I’m so glad to see her that I throw my arms around her in the visitors’ room, and then immediately step back, knowing that I’m breaking the ‘no touching’ rules.

‘I would have come earlier,’ she tells me. ‘But it’s difficult. Uncle Derek said I shouldn’t.’

‘I understand,’ I say, not wanting to ask if he’d told her about visiting himself.

‘And the police outside the house have made it so difficult to live a normal life. How long do we have to have them there?’

‘I’m not sure.’

‘Well, I don’t want them any more, Mum. People are asking questions. I can’t see my friends properly.’

‘It’s better than being hurt,’ I whisper.

‘What did you do to make this happen?’ she asks.

‘I can’t say,’ I whisper. ‘But trust me. I meant no harm.’

She gives me a sad look as if she doesn’t believe me. When she leaves shortly afterwards, I almost wish she hadn’t come.

I could kill Karen for what she’s done to my family. If only I could find her. It’s definitely time for revenge.