Page 20 of The Stranger in Room Six

I’m allowed one call but after that I have to wait for my prison phone card, which will let me ring two numbers provided they’ve been checked and approved by the authorities. This can take ‘a few days or weeks’.

Scared that Gillian won’t pick up, I ring Elspeth. ‘Are you all right?’ I ask in a hushed voice; I’m in the wing office with a pimply youth officer sitting at the desk, pretending not to listen.

I can hear my daughter sniffling at the other end and my chest goes into freefall because I have done this. I have caused this pain to her.

‘We’re OK, Mum, but what about you?’

‘I’m … I’m fine. Have you told school?’

‘Uncle Derek did. But everyone knew already, Mum.’

Of course they did. It will have raced round the school circuit like wildfire. It might even have been on the local news.

The officer looks at the wall clock meaningfully.

‘Are you managing?’ I say urgently. ‘Are you doing your homework?’

‘What do you think, Mum?’ retorts Elspeth, her voice distressed and high-pitched in a way that doesn’t sound like my kind, gentle, younger child.

I don’t know what to think about anything. But I know I have to try. There is the practical side to start with. ‘I’ve applied for you and Gillian to access our joint account, but it might take time.’

Elspeth cuts in. ‘It’s OK. Uncle Derek’s been going through some of Dad’s paperwork and found an account with his and our names on it.’

‘Really? Did it have mine?’

There’s a short silence. ‘No.’

I gasp. Had he thought that if I found out about his affair, I’d clean him out?

‘Is there enough for you to live on?’

‘I think so. There’s ￡170,000.’

￡170,000?

How had he put that much away? What exactly was he saving up for? Had he hoped that the girls would go with him when he moved in with this other woman?

‘You’ll need to know how to pay the bills … Keep the house going.’ I falter as I say this. Why hadn’t I insisted on being more involved with the financial side of our marriage? Gerald had always told me ‘not to worry’.

‘Uncle Derek’s helping; don’t worry, Mum. Do you need anything?’

I vaguely recall that I’m meant to fill in a form if I want to buy basic items like deodorant and a newspaper, but no one’s given it to me yet.

‘Yes. Toothpaste and a toothbrush please.’

Elspeth sounds shocked. ‘Don’t they give you any?’

‘You have to wait for everything here.’

‘Time’s up,’ says the guard.

‘They’re making me go now. I miss you, Elspeth, I’m so sorry for everything.’

‘Oh Mum, I miss you too. I would say “happy birthday” but …’

I’d forgotten. I’m forty-nine years old today, which means that if I get ten years, I’ll be nearly sixty by the time I finally get out of here. Tears prick my eyes. ‘Please tell your sister I love her too.’

That’s when another voice takes over. ‘It’s Gillian. I don’t want your love. You’re not my mother any more. Don’t try to contact me; I’ll never forgive you for killing Dad. Not ever.’

Then the phone goes dead.

I can’t get Gillian’s voice out of my head. My older daughter doesn’t love me any more and it won’t be long until she turns her sister against me too. My girls are my world. What’s the point in carrying on?

I’m told I have to work in the kitchen. I’m not allowed to use anything sharp ‘because you’re on a bloody manslaughter charge’ so I’m on washing-up duty, but there’s no dishwasher and there aren’t enough drying-up cloths. The food makes me hungry and sick at the same time.

My cellmate won’t talk to me. When she’s not on her work party (the umbrella name for the different jobs we have to do), she sits on her bed, weeping, with a photograph of a little boy in her hand.

‘Is that your son?’ I ask softly.

She clutches the photograph protectively to her chest. ‘I don’t want you going anywhere near him after what you’ve done.’

I have become a woman I don’t recognize. I am a murderess.

More paperwork comes: Imran has requested permission to visit me. I tick the ‘NO’ box. Of course I want to see him, but what’s the point? What future is there for either of us in this?

Then I receive a message to say that my sentencing date has been brought forward. Before long, I will know my fate.