Page 46 of The Stranger in Room Six

The following morning, I am allowed to make a private call in the governor’s office. Elspeth’s voice is gentle, kind, reassuring. ‘It must have been a terrible shock for you, Mum.’

‘It was.’ I’m still shaking. ‘Is Gillian there?’

‘She is but she says she needs to study. Sorry, Mum.’

What would it take for my older daughter to change her mind?

Perhaps if I was on a hospital bed or in the morgue?

But by then it would be too late. Maybe I just have to accept that, although both my girls are still alive, one is determined to be dead to me.

The pain is too excruciating to be put into words.

Meanwhile, Linda Wall has been given ‘compassionate leave’, which means she’s allowed to ‘rest’ in the San and is excused from her work duties. She is apparently in ‘a bloody awful state’ but, still, they won’t let her go home to be with her grieving husband and son.

More details filter through as the days go by. Her seventeen-year-old daughter was riding a stolen motorbike when the accident happened. She was in a race with her gang and went into a tree. I wince at every detail.

When Linda comes back to the wing, her eyes look as though they have seen things no one else has. She hunches over her meal. She stares into space. She avoids me. Does she know of the name confusion? If so, she makes no sign of it.

‘I’m so sorry for your loss,’ I whisper, as I find myself leaving the canteen with her one day. She looks at me as though I am not there.

Then she walks on in silence.

‘You shouldn’t say things like that,’ says Mouse. ‘I know you want to be kind, but you can’t – not if you’re going to survive in this place.’

A week later, I receive a form saying Derek wants to visit. Something important must have happened. Please may the girls be all right.

I take special care with my make-up.

Mouse, who’s been watching, lends me her mascara. ‘Fancy your brother-in-law, do you?’

‘Anything but.’

‘Then why are you going to all this trouble?’

‘To show I’m not like the others.’

She hoots with laughter. ‘Whatever you say, Belinda!’

Derek is sitting at one of the tables near the front of the visiting hall. He’s on the edge of his chair, visibly nervous. This is clearly his first time in a prison.

‘Are the girls all right?’

‘Fine,’ he says.

‘Are you sure? It was so frightening when they told me that one of them was hurt.’

‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I heard about that.’

He speaks in a clipped, matter-of-fact tone, making it clear that he loathes me.

‘Do you know how terrifying that was?’ I ask, riled by his lack of empathy.

‘And do you have any idea how awful it is for your girls to know that their mother murdered their father?’ he retorts. ‘Or how difficult it is to sit opposite my brother’s killer?’

‘Is that why you’re here?’ I ask. ‘To tell me how much you hate me?’

‘Actually, I’ve come to talk about the house. It transpires that Gerald made arrangements in his will to leave the house to Karen when Elspeth turned eighteen.’

I’m speechless. How could he have snatched the roof from over our heads? Didn’t he care about us at all? If not me, surely his own daughters?’

I thump my fist on the table. ‘That house was in Gerald’s name for business reasons only. He always said it would go to me if anything happened.’

‘Well, I’m afraid that isn’t the case.’

My guilt now turns to fury. Gerald leaving the house to this woman has changed everything.

‘Are you aware they had a son together?’ I ask.

It’s clear from Derek’s face that he isn’t, so I tell him everything. ‘The girls mustn’t know,’ I say firmly. ‘It would be too much for them to deal with.’

He nods. ‘I agree.’ Our eyes meet and for a second, we are bound together by one thing: our desire to protect Gillian and Elspeth.

‘Karen has sold the house now,’ he says quietly. ‘I’ve tried to communicate with her through the solicitor but she hasn’t replied. Thankfully the girls have the savings from the joint account, and they can continue living with me for as long as they want.’

‘Thank you,’ I say, numbly trying to take this in. ‘Where is Karen now?’

Her name still leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.

He shrugs. ‘I’ve no idea. The solicitors aren’t allowed to give me details. I wondered if she might have tried to make contact with you.’

‘No. If she had, I’d have given her what for.’

He shakes his head at my words.

‘Why are you really here, Derek?’ I ask. ‘You could have told me about the house in a letter.’

He sighs heavily. ‘I suspect you didn’t mean to kill Gerald. You’re not that kind of person. Elspeth has told me some things about this place and, well, how you’ve changed. I’ve been worried about how you’re coping, so I thought I would see for myself.’

I’m so surprised by this about-turn that I almost let down my guard. But if I stop pretending to be tough, I won’t be able to manage. ‘I’m fine,’ I say staunchly. ‘Don’t worry about me. But there is one thing. Is there any way you can persuade Gillian to visit?’

He shakes his head. ‘She’s adamant that she never wants to see you again.’

I expected as much but still it feels as if someone has stabbed me through the heart.

Derek stands up, brushing down his trousers as if to remove prison germs. He glances around the hall, at women talking to children, husbands, partners, mothers; the distaste is plain on his face.

Linda Wall is sitting opposite a man, both of them crying.

Despite the way she’s treated me, my heart goes out to them.

‘Look after yourself, Belinda,’ he says before walking away. His sudden kindness scares me. If Derek is concerned, then I really am lost.

As I’m escorted back to my cell, I pass a notice on the corridor wall. Could you become a Listener? it says. Could you help with other people’s problems?

The guard sees me looking. ‘It does good things, that listening scheme. The chaplain runs it with some of you lot. It seems prisoners are more likely to come along if they think that one of theirs is there too.’

‘But how can I give advice to others? I’ve killed someone.’

‘From what I hear, it’s more listening than telling,’ the guard replies, with a kindness in her voice. ‘Sometimes prisoners just need to let their feelings out in a safe space.’

Rather like how I talk to Mouse. I hope that Linda Wall can talk to her friends too. I count my blessings: we may have lost our house, but at least I have the girls.

That’s when I realize: I need to do something good to show my gratitude.

The next day, I sign up to train as a Listener. Then I see the advert for computer classes and put my name down for those too. If I get access to the internet, I can track down Karen.

‘I’m coming for you,’ I whisper. ‘May you curse the day you were born.’