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27 DAVID

David was sitting with Mark at a table in the pub listening to what he could from downstairs. You couldn’t hear much of it, which was good since he was sure Meg would want privacy, but you could hear snippets when their voices went high or when anybody shouted. Rod was behind the bar drying glasses pretending not to hear, a couple of other lone patrons drinking as if they couldn’t hear a word.

A couple of times Mark had touched his hand, as if to say, I know it’s hard to hear. He knew in his heart Hannah was there to protect Meg, and that Meg could handle herself anyway, but he felt so protective over her that it was near unbearable to stay in place. He wanted to storm downstairs, perhaps scream at them in a Barbara Windsor moment to get out of his pub.

He began to pace. Tactfully, Caleb had made his excuses and gone to wait in his car, and Gus had got himself a drink and sat at another table, looking sadly at his phone. It must have been hard for him too, to see childhood relived like that, and David felt the same. David felt, like most of the ongoing issues with Meg’s parents, that he wanted to do what he could to stop it, so that she wouldn’t have to go through what he did. It wasn’t his place to cut her off from her parents though. Only she could choose that, if that were what she wanted. He could feel a pain in his leg, the tendon to the outer side of his right ankle. Was his body responding to the financial stress of the shop or the emotional stress of this wedding? Perhaps it was both. Perhaps it was aware, like his overactive mind, that he owed Mark an answer soon on the idea of their own wedding. The clock was ticking.

‘Just stay here for now,’ Mark said. ‘It might be good for them to get everything out.’

‘Okay.’

‘Nobody’s stormed out,’ he said. ‘It’s not over yet.’

David sat back down. They were sitting in a small alcove near the pub’s fire, which seemed to have been lit in order to counter the unusually tempestuous June weather. David wished this was a regular quiet weekday, and that he had a glass of red wine in front of him, and Mark ready to tell him a funny story about his day. Instead, he felt out of sorts. Winter in summer, rain on your wedding day. At least he was here with a partner, not alone. Partner. What a ridiculous word, he thought, for what Mark was to him.

David couldn’t imagine today was a particularly strong advertisement for the idea of marriage. He could understand Mark wanted to get married and to do so while his parents were alive to see it and young enough to enjoy it. For Mark, it wasn’t just about the romance but he had also spoken before about the practicalities, of being a legal next of kin and money and all the things he said you don’t want to think about, but that you should. The romantic side was so obvious a reason to do it as to become part of the wallpaper for Mark. No part of him thought anybody would think anything other than that it was brilliant. Mark’s parents had been the biggest advocates for his sister’s wedding five years ago, each going to the stag and hen respectively, and were front row on the day, cheering and throwing confetti, and even being the last left on the dance floor. He had only known support. If weddings were family events, Mark was ready.

Of course he understood where David was coming from, but of course he could never fully inhabit the same feelings. He could sympathize, but it was hard to empathize with the freeze David had every time some man came in the shop and seemed to judge any of the pride flags, or whenever they were on holiday and without even intending to, he found himself toughening up his exterior or taking a step away from Mark. None of those were things Mark did, not in the same way. He never really altered himself.

David didn’t want that for Meg. He did not want it for himself, either, but perhaps it was too late for him. If he could save Meg, that would be enough.

‘You seem deep in thought,’ Mark said.

‘It’s nothing.’

From downstairs, suddenly, he heard Meg’s voice, clear as day. I never want to see you again.

Mark gasped. ‘Did you hear that?’

Then, there was movement and her parents emerged from the stairwell and walked in single file out to the car park. David heard their car drive off almost immediately. They didn’t even notice David or Mark as they walked past, and he saw Ava scowl at Rod as she went, who ignored them and went out the back door of the pub. David couldn’t tell whether Meg’s parents had ignored him and Mark, or not seen them hidden where they were, somewhat in darkness. Meg appeared next, eyes red and puffy, following them more slowly towards the exit.

‘I think they’re gone,’ David said.

Meg turned back and saw where they were sitting.

‘Oh you made me jump,’ Meg said, wiping her face with her jumper sleeve. ‘I didn’t see you.’

‘Their car just left; we heard it. Are you … ?’

‘I just need some air,’ Meg said, still speaking as she got towards the front door.

‘Should I—?’ David said, but she ignored him.

‘Give her a minute,’ Mark said.

David looked at Mark, unable to hide the fact there were tears in his eyes.

‘Darling, why are you crying?’

‘It’s just … what she shouted …’ David started wiping at his eyes, sleeves bunched in his fingers to dry himself. The tears kept coming, and he could not wipe them away fast enough.

‘That she never wanted to see them again?’ Mark said.

‘That’s what I shouted when I … What happened to me is happening to her,’ David said. ‘And she doesn’t deserve it.’

For the first time since Meg had come into his life, David sat down next to Mark, and leaned his head across Mark’s chest, and felt all the feelings he had pushed to one side trying to help. Finally, properly, he cried.

‘No one deserves this,’ Mark said, stroking his head. ‘Not you and not her.’

‘I know.’

‘I know you know it, but I need you to believe that about yourself, David.’

‘Yeah.’ David wiped his eyes on his jumper sleeves.

‘It’ll be okay, I promise.’

‘Do you think?’

‘Yes,’ Mark said. They were facing out to the rest of the pub, which, now completely deserted, gave the impression they were entirely alone. They had been sitting together for an amount of time David couldn’t figure out. Had it been ten seconds, or forty-five minutes?

‘It’s normal that this, a big life event, would make you think about your life, and what’s happened to you,’ Mark said. ‘It’s really normal to feel upset. It’s also really normal to hope you can help someone you care about.’

‘I know,’ David said. ‘I think because I’m rarely an angry person, I just get so frustrated at how unfair the world can be, and so when it happens, all the rage points inwards.’

‘Well stop that,’ Mark said. ‘Because I think you’re brilliant, and it’s other people who are the issue.’

‘But aren’t you desperate to make other people change?’

Mark paused for a second. ‘I do, very often, wish I could have influenced your parents in some way, like, have given them a good shaking or to have met them with you, or … I don’t know. Maybe that is anger too. I never met them though, and there’s nothing either of us could have done. You tried, and you got nothing. It’s always tricky, and delicate.’

At that moment Hannah came upstairs. She too had been crying, and her hair was frizzy. Evidently, she too was rattled by what had gone on downstairs.

‘I’m just going to get Meg; she wanted some air,’ she said. ‘Thanks guys for staying.’

‘Of course,’ David said.

‘No bother,’ Mark added as Hannah left. ‘Here if you need us.’

‘Maybe in a minute we can get some food?’

‘All right,’ Mark said sadly.

‘I’ll be right back.’

‘Do you think I’ve set her a good example?’ David asked Mark as Hannah walked out the door. ‘I really wanted to be a perfect father figure for Meg, but there’s so many times I’ve been ashamed. When Rod was weird with me here, and I lashed out unnecessarily, when I was shopping for a wedding outfit and I just wanted to blend in. That’s no lesson to teach, is it? Imagine if the youth club are picking up all my insecurities and thinking that’s normal?’

‘No parent is perfect,’ Mark said. ‘And the youth club needs you.’

‘Your parents are perfect.’

‘They’re not!’ Mark said, before laughing. ‘They’re really not. I don’t want to sound ungrateful because they’ve been much better than yours were, of course, but maybe it’s helpful to take out this idea that it’s all black and white. They’re not perfect, or they weren’t always who they are now.’

‘Tell me.’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ Mark said. ‘It was the Eighties. I was going to school on a non-uniform day, my dad wouldn’t let me wear a certain top, said it made me look gay.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry.’

‘But now he’s great! He would never say that now!’ Mark said. ‘I’d forgotten that; don’t think I’ve ever told anybody actually. Everyone can change though – that’s my point, you know. If you feel like you still have some shame, then let’s work on it.’

‘You really think that stuff isn’t just … me now? We’re old, Mark.’

‘I don’t believe that,’ Mark said. ‘It’s my job as a counsellor to believe otherwise, and in my heart, I don’t think it’s true either. Any flaws you see in yourself, I promise you. They’re not noticeable to me at all.’

‘Okay.’

‘And David, if you stop helping at the youth club I will be so angry because we are both responsible for Fred becoming an astronaut. I need to be able to count on you.’

David smiled. ‘Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone?’

‘Always,’ Mark said, taking his hand. It was warm from his right side being closest to the fire.

‘The reason what she said was so upsetting is when I came out to my parents, it happened how I said before, and I shouted I never wanted to see them again, and I stormed out. That is all true. I was so angry, but I felt it so deeply that I didn’t want to ever see them again that I left, and stayed at a friend’s house. I made some excuses to their parents, then went back a couple of times to collect my things when they were out, and I made plans and I left. They didn’t kick me out, they didn’t take my key, they wanted me back desperately, actually. It was me who sorted it all. Found somewhere to live and paid the deposit. Kept taking on shifts, kept saving. I didn’t eat to make sure I could keep paying the rent. I know, unbelievable for me …

‘They tried to get in touch with me, every now and again. It was only later, when it had been months and then years, that they kind of stopped … There were Christmas cards, defensive letters, things like that. It was me who put the barriers up. I knew if I went back I’d change, for them. I chose it, the whole thing. It wasn’t something outside my control. I was nearly an adult and I chose every day to not let them in, not even later when I was so happy.’

‘David …’

‘I don’t want Meg to make that mistake,’ he said. ‘I can’t tell her that but she needs to know it. They were still my parents, I never actually didn’t want them in some way, I just thought there was a way it would change one day … I thought there was time.’

David wiped at his tears again, the right sleeve of his jumper now a sopping wet mess of wool.

‘Thank you for telling me,’ Mark said. ‘You know you can tell me anything, anytime. Day or night.’ He hugged David again.

‘I feel better now I’ve told you.’

‘I’ll bet!’ Mark said. ‘Had you told anyone that before?’

‘Never.’

‘Oh, Dave.’

They sat in silence for another minute, next to each other looking out at the pub, Mark’s thumb stroking the top of David’s hand.

‘I can support you,’ Mark said, turning back to him. ‘Dealing with these emotions, and I, you know, I really get why perhaps you wouldn’t want to get married. I think I understand it the more we go through this process with Meg.’

‘But don’t you want to get married?’

‘I do, but only to you, and if you didn’t want to, that would be fine, honest … I’m here to support you, David, and we’re … our relationship doesn’t need a wedding. I want one, but I don’t need one. I’m here to look after you, till you’re … well not old and grey, exactly, but greyer than now.’

‘Shut up.’

‘But us dealing with all of our baggage and fears, together, you opening up to me just now,’ Mark said. ‘That’s more important to me, that that happens every day, than one individual wedding day could ever be.’

‘I am still thinking about it though,’ David said.

‘Whatever you want,’ Mark said, and looking at him, David was desperate to give him what he wanted. This was the best man he’d ever known. He knew, could see it in his eyes, that Mark had somewhat given up hope on the idea, and maybe that was for the best. Maybe they were cursed, maybe …

‘Help! Somebody help! Please!’

The cry came from the pub doorway as Hannah burst back in, hair dripping from the rain, and her voice shaking with the cold.

Gus stood immediately from where he’d been sitting and rushed towards her. From where they were sitting, David could see the scene play out in awful slow motion. He instantly knew.

‘She’s gone!’ Hannah shouted. ‘Meg’s gone, she’s gone. I lost her!’