Page 27

“Breathe with me.” He led me through a few long, deep breaths. “That’s it,” he encouraged, softly stroking my cheek with his thumb, summoning an addictive warmth to my skin. “Good girl.”

I reached up to grab a hold of his wrists like I had after that first nightmare. My gaze drifted to where the others lay, but it was quiet.

Gavin shook his head, guiding my eyes back to his. “They’re all asleep. It’s just you and me.”

I wondered how that was, having woken up the entire room after my last nightmare. “Did I scream?”

“You were crying. It was quiet, but—”

“And you heard me from over there?” I nodded to Gavin’s sleeping mat on the other side of our camp, at least fifteen paces away. Untouched.

“No. I was sitting next to you. After today, what we saw—what you saw—I just wanted…” He swallowed thickly. A nervous Gavin Smyth was an oddly heartbreaking sight. “I wanted to be close to you.”

My heart stumbled and sighed. I closed my eyes, knowing I could only handle either the tug in my chest or the comfort of his gaze. Both, and I might throw my arms around him.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” But I continued anyway, like he drew the truth right out of me. “Phillip and Oliver… I found them dead, and it… my heart feels like it has a fungus.” My eyes burned and tears dripped off my cheeks. “But it’ll just do the same to you. ”

“The damage to me is done.” He stroked my cheek. “I promise. Better me than you, Ella.”

I closed my eyes and leaned into his warmth.

“Give me your burden,” he gently implored.

My desperate need for his comfort was so overwhelming, I thought I might suffocate if he took it away.

“All of it,” he added, “so that you don’t have to carry it anymore.”

A sob wrenched itself free from my throat and everything else spilled out.

“Their throats were slit, and they had X’s carved into their chests.

And it was done without reason, like—like a means to an end and I was glad they didn’t suffer, but it was so, so senseless.

” I shuddered, the words a blur. “His sweet little face was so full of warmth and hope and joy, but when I found him, he was cold and lifeless. But… eerily peaceful.”

Gavin brushed a tear from my cheek, listening.

“I tried to understand. I’ve been trying to come up with a reason. For Phillip, maybe he had gambled or angered the wrong person when he was drunk. But Ollie?” I cried. “Why Ollie?”

“I’m sorry.” His eyes were red with pain. “I’m so sorry.”

“And that’s been my nightmare the past year,” I pressed on, despite my trembling.

I hadn’t known how desperately I’d needed to get this out.

“But then lately, I’ve been having different nightmares where my body is trapped or I’m bleeding and crying and my soul is in multiple places at once and I can’t find any of them.

No matter what I do, I’m hollow. I hear things—like memories, but they’re not memories—and they’re confusing and terrible and they hurt.

” I inhaled shakily. “ It’s like love and joy have been ripped out of me.

Something is taken, but I don’t know what.

And because I don’t know what’s been taken, I don’t know where to look for it.

I’m just left empty, like I’m not even a whole person. ”

“You are whole.” He took my hand and kissed my knuckles. “This world is cruel and evil, Ella. People will take from you—they have taken from you—but you are whole. ”

The hollow cavern in my chest eroded by grief at the thought of their deaths filled with warmth. With him.

“Maybe.” My breathing steadied on him. “It’s not all cruel and evil.” I cupped his bearded jaw in my small palm. He stilled when I touched him. “Do you have nightmares?”

“Doesn’t everyone?”

Maybe I wanted to hear about his nightmares. Maybe I felt less haunted just knowing he had them. Solidarity in terrible dreams. I shuddered—whatever haunted him had to be worse than I could imagine.

“What do you do to get them out of your head?” I asked.

“I hold on to the first good thing I can think of.” He gave me a soft smile. “Lately, that’s been you. Safe, warm, fed, happy. And you , Ella… you pull me out of my nightmares and return me to my dreams.”

The way his words and touch made me feel threatened to shatter an internal cocoon trapping pieces of me I didn’t know existed. Pieces that felt dormant. I wanted him to shatter me, only to gather me up and keep me safe. Put me back together and keep those broken pieces for himself.

“Do you think I’ll ever find out who killed them? If it wasn’t Molochai…”

He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, his eyes somber. “I believe you will.”

“Ezra mentioned someone called the Butcher of Nyrida.” When I said the name, the color left Gavin’s face. “He said it probably wasn’t him, that it would have been… messier. But I think it had to be someone terrible. Do you think they’ll come to kill me?” I swallowed. “Or my friends?”

“I will die before I let that monster touch you. ”

Rage swelled inside him, seeped out, and wrapped me in a protective shield.

“Thank you.” I placed my hands on his chest. His thick muscles tensed and hardened like stone beneath my fingers. I pulled back—feeling like I’d been shocked—and shifted to lay down. But when he started moving away—

“You can stay close,” I rushed out. “If you want.”

He didn’t leave my side until morning.

I knew because I hardly slept. I was wholly preoccupied with the life-altering awareness that I was forming a dangerous attachment to him. One that inevitably had to break.