Page 59 of The Secrets We Keep

“You mean that reconstituted stuff?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll pass.” Rob sipped his tea. “This is nice and strong… and that’s how I like it.”

Jasper sipped his own tea in silence. Tension hung in the air like old smoke, and he wasn’t sure how to dissipate it. They’d said enough about tea. What was next? The weather? The current state of politics in America? Who would winThe Voice? Jasper was about to open his mouth to comment on how bright the sun was in contrast to the storm this morning when Rob set down his mug and turned to him.

“I almost didn’t make it here today.”

Jasper assumed he simply meant he’d had second thoughts about seeing him again, about maybe trying to make things right between them. “Well, I’ll be honest. I’m glad you did.”

Rob smiled. “I am too. But I was being literal.”

Jasper cocked his head. Rob spilled out his story of being swamped in his taxi and how, if he hadn’t taken the split second of opportunity to get out, he might have drowned.

“It was crazy. Who would think they’d ever meet their makerthatway?” Rob chuckled.

“Wow. That’s scary.” Jasper eyed him and noticed, for the first time, Rob’s clothes appeared damp. “No wonder you smelled like rain when you walked in. I thought it was some fancy-schmancy cologne.”

“Eau de Sewer Water?” Rob shook his head. “I know it’s not a pleasant smell.”

“I kind of thought it was.” Jasper reached over and pressed a hand to Rob’s arm, then yanked it back. “Yikes. That’s coldandwet. You want some dry stuff to change into?”

“No, I want to sit here until I get a rash from these wet clothes rubbing against my skin.”

“Smartass.” Jasper stood. He went into his bedroom and rummaged around in the drawers of the built-in hutch there that he’d appropriated for a dresser. He pulled out a black T-shirt and a pair of gray sweatpants. Up one drawer, he grabbed some comfy athletic socks. He returned to the living room. “Here you go.” He handed the clothes to Rob.

Rob took the clothes and then eyed Jasper, frozen.

Jasper got it. Even though they’d become familiar with every nook and cranny in the other’s body in the past several hours, there was now a kind of bashfulness hanging between them.

Jasper indicated the bathroom off the living room with a nod toward it. “You can change in there.”

When Rob came back out, Jasper cursed himself once again for feeling that queasy but delightful sensation in his gut that he recognized as lust. Sweatpants and a T-shirt could possibly be one of the sexiest and most alluring outfits a man could choose to clothe himself in—especially if he went commando. Jasper couldn’t help, despite the bad friction that had passed between them, eyeing the swinging cock under the soft gray fabric. His gaze was drawn like the proverbial magnet. He forced himself to look away. He realized how easy it would be to simply sidestep their issues and fall into bed again.

Remind me again why that’s a bad idea. Because you have things you need to talk about. You told the man you hated him, for one thing. He told you he had no use for you.

“Better?” Jasper asked as Rob took a seat next to him on the couch.

“Infinitely. Thank you.”

They again fell to awkward silence. And it occurred to Jasper that Rob might be as averse to conflict as he was. Because Rob was older, Jasper expected him to make the first move, the first conversational gambit that may or may not lead to a reconciliation of sorts.

A reconciliation. Is that what you want?

The silence stretched out, becoming more and more awkward with each passing second. Jasper fidgeted, drank all of his tea, turned to look out the window. “It’s clouding up again. Typical. Chicago is fickle.” He turned back and caught Rob’s gaze. “Why are you here?”

Rob’s brow creased. He drew in a deep breath. “I wanted to see you. I realized that when I almost drowned. When that cop asked me where I was going, I should have said to O’Hare, which was actually where I’d been headed. But the first thought that came into my head wasyou, Jasper. Even though I probably could have gotten out of here sometime today, I couldn’t leave without seeing you again.” He cast his eyes down and, without looking up, asked in a soft voice, “Do you really hate me?”

“No,” Jasper said immediately, because he didn’t want Rob to squirm. “No, of course not. I said that in the heat of passion. And not a good passion. I wanted to blame you for Lacy’s suicide, and after what you told me, it was easy to pin that on you. For a little while, it made me feel better.

“And then I figured out why. BecauseIwas feeling guilty. BecauseIfelt responsible.” Jasper moved closer to Rob and took his chin in his hand, positioning Rob’s face so that their eyes met. “I know now that you were doing your best. And so was I. Our best wasn’t good enough for her, and that’s sad. Really sad. If I could go back and change things, I would. God, I wish I could. But she was beyond our reach, wasn’t she? And we may never know why.

“Going back in time isn’t possible. We can only affect what’s here. What’s now.” Jasper paused and in his mind’s eye saw his dad, planting tomatoes. And then he saw the red tomatoes on the vine. “For example, I talked to my dad today. I told him I loved him.” Jasper sighed. “I had cried and whined all my life because he never said he lovedme. He was always so caught up in his grief over losing my mom and sister that he missed out on the one living survivor he had right in front of him.

“But you know what? I never toldhimI loved him. Not once. I just wanted to take.” Jasper shrugged. “Like any kid, I suppose. But I never thought of him as simply a person, a guy in pain who soldiered on with a little boy, doing the best he could with me even though his world had been shattered.” Jasper had to stop. There was a lump the size of a baseball in his throat, and his vision had blurred. He caught his quivering breath, forced himself to calm.

Rob nodded. “I understand.” His expression took on a distant cast, as though he were thinking. “I was a father too, you know? And I tried to be there for her, as much as I could, without ever coming out and letting her know the truth. I know how wrong that was—now.” He shook his head. “What they say about hindsight is true. Wouldn’t life be perfect, just peachy, if we could see that 20/20?