Page 54 of The Secrets We Keep

“You don’t understand. Jasper, please don’t go. Let’s talk about this.”

Jasper turned. His heart pounded in his chest. “No.You’rethe reason she died.You’rethe reason life was never enough for her, whyIwas never enough for her.” Jasper drew in a great quivering breath, then spat out, “I hate you.”

He stood for a moment, hand on the doorknob.

Over his shoulder, Rob’s voice came to him, its tone dead.

“You’re right. I hate me too. Now that we’ve established that, you go on and get the hell out of here. I don’t need you.”

And Jasper rushed from the room, leaving the door open behind him.

Chapter 16

OUTSIDE, THErain was torrential, freezing. But Jasper didn’t feel it. He was too caught up in his own torrent of emotions.

Drenched, he tried to outrun the rain as he headed west on Chicago Avenue to the subway. It should have been light out by now, but the rains held the sky back, keeping it dark and threatening.

Shivering, Jasper headed down the stairs off the street, glad his L pass was in his pocket. He passed through the turnstile and went down another flight of stairs, ending up at the deeply underground subway station.

It was empty. The smell of mildew was in the bone-chilling air. A rat skittered along the tracks below him. Jasper was alone in the station. He needed to take several deep, calming breaths in order to stop his whole body from trembling.

The shaking wasn’t simply from being cold, but also from the trauma of the scene he’d just gone through. How could things have shifted between him and Rob so quickly? He didn’t know, and he honestly didn’t care. Being with Rob had been a mistake. Jasper was a fool to think anything could ever come of their dalliance. Rob was old enough to be his father! He was richer than God! Once upon a time, Jasper would have thought the latter attribute would have been a gift, an advantage, something to strive for. A man to take care of him? How cool. And in a manner to which he’d definitelynotbecome accustomed? Even better.

He remembered talking to Lacy about the very same thing the night she’d passed away. He could see them in his mind’s eye, sitting on their living room couch, watchingThe Assassination of Gianni Versaceand downing pre-going-out cosmopolitans. They were just heading out the door after the show had ended when they had a curiously prescient conversation.

“Old Andrew Cunanan had the right idea, He just had poor, if you’ll pardon the pun, execution.”

“Oh, you’re terrible, Muriel,” Jasper said, echoing Toni Collette in a favorite movie of theirs,Muriel’s Wedding.

“Seriously, though, you should see if you can’t find yourself a nice sugar daddy. Someone who will get you out of this shithole—” Lacy grinned.

“—and into the palace I deserve?”

“Exactly. Why not? Do it right and you can have all your dreams come true and never have to lift a finger. You’re good-looking enough, Jazz, and you know it.”

But Jasper wasn’t Andrew Cunanan, thank God. The idea of having a sugar daddy, of easy money without lifting a finger, had no merit for Jasper, especially not now. Which was odd because he’d just come closer to making that opportunity into reality than ever. Jasper’s previous romances and hookups had all been young guys like himself, equally underemployed or even, in some cases, not employed at all. The nearest he’d ever come to a “rich” guy was a few weeks’ relationship with a law student at Northwestern. Bradley had been studying to be an intellectual property lawyer, because, as he’d told Jasper, “They make the most cash.”

He had heard Bradley moved to New York City last winter, after he’d graduated.

Jasper had never been the type to long for material things. As long as he had a roof over his head, food to eat, and a little money to go out with or buy himself a new pair of jeans at the Rack, he was happy. He realized even these simple pleasures were out of the reach of many, which is why he always stopped to give what he could when he saw a homeless man or woman on the street.

He knew what he’d always wanted was love.

A quivering breath escaped him, and tears rose to his eyes as he realized that he’d run out of a room where love, maybe, just maybe, had been a possibility.

But was it? His feelings toward Rob were now so conflicted his rational mind told him to let things go.You told him you hated him. Those are pretty final words. He told you to get out, in no uncertain terms. Besides, what he did was unforgivable. He was the catalyst that sent Lacy on her way to death.

Jasper sighed. He looked south and spotted the lights of an approaching train. He could feel the rumble in his feet and now hear it, growing louder, kind of like the thunder up above.

Melodramatic much? Rob had his reasons, I suppose, for doing what he did with Lacy. And maybe his intentions were good. Who am I to second-guess? I hardly know the man. And Lacy had her reasons for doing what she did, which were most likely a lot more complicated than one single factor. Sure, finding out her favorite uncle was, in reality, her dad must have been a terrible shock. And maybe that did propel her out of her adoptive parents’ house. But was it really a reason to kill herself? And if it was, why wait years to do it? You could have been the reason. She was in love with you and couldn’t stand the idea she could never have you. Her ‘parents,’ her awful mother in particular, could have pushed her to that final jumping-off point. Or there could have been a whole host of things I didn’t know about that made her decide to take her own life. We can never truly know someone inside and out, can we? We all keep secrets, don’t we?

Jasper’s thoughts slowed as the train pulled into the station. It was still early enough that there were few riders. As he’d been thinking, only one person had even come into the Chicago Avenue station—a young girl who looked as traumatized as he felt, with raccoon eyes from her mascara. He wanted to ask her if she got them from the rain or from tears, but she boarded the next car down from him.

Jasper rode in silence, barely noticing as he passed through the Clark and Division and North and Clybourn stops.

But something seized him as they rose up out of the subway. The next stop was Fullerton, and as they headed from the subway to the elevated tracks, Jasper experienced a lightening of his spirit as the train traveled from darkness into light.

In his time underground, the rain had stopped. The sky had cleared. And the blue skies and sunshine waiting for him were a kind of miracle. He marveled at the clean, pure light beaming down.