Page 58 of The Secrets We Keep

Rob paused there on the landing. “Hey,” he said back.

Jasper laughed. “If this is going to be what our conversation is like, maybe we’re both better off going our separate ways.”

Rob came up a couple steps. There were four more to go. “Ouch.” He ascended until he was just one step below Jasper. “Give me a chance, okay?”

“I thought I had.” Jasper cocked his head, his hand still firmly on the door in case he wanted to swing it shut.Is this really such a good idea? Maybe it’s better to just leave well enough alone. This is the man who hurt Lacy, hurt her a lot.

And, Jasper also thought, he was the same man, whether it was deliberate or not.

“I’m sorry,” Jasper finally said. He took a step back and opened the door a little wider. Rob came in, passing in front of him, smelling of rain. He stood barely inside the apartment. Jasper couldn’t help it—the man looked kind of cute because he was scared and nervous.

I can inspire him to be scared. What other powers do I have?

“You can have a seat on the couch.” Because he wasn’t really sure what to do with himself or what to say to Rob, he said, “I was just about to make a cup of tea. Would you like one?”

“I’d love one. Thank you.” Rob sat down on the couch, back stiff, not touching the cushions. The muted buttery light lit up his face, and Jasper cursed the light for making Rob look so handsome, so tempting.

He turned, went into the kitchen, and got busy with the tea, setting the kettle to boil (after lighting the gas burner with a match), plopping a couple of PG Tips bags into chipped Human Rights Campaign mugs. He checked the pantry to see if he or Stan had any cookies and then chided himself. This wasn’t that kind of visit.

What kind of visit is it, anyway?

Jasper didn’t know, not for sure. Besides, the only thing close to cookies was a box of saltines, and they were stale. They’d been in there since last fall.

He could have gone into the living room and sat with Rob while waiting for the piercing scream of the kettle to alert him, but he wanted this time alone. As scared as Rob seemed of him, Jasper felt the same. There was a rat, or some other creature with tiny razor-sharp teeth, in his gut, gnawing.

After moving toward the kitchen window, he peered outside at the apartment building’s backyard. The rain had left the grass damp, a little muddy. The retaining wall that held the L tracks aloft was still stained with water from the storm, looking dark here and there. An L train, one of the purple line ones that went up to Evanston, stood huffing on the tracks, almost at eye level with him. He could see figures on the train, some of them appearing to look right at him.

He suddenly remembered standing at this very window with Lacy. It was when they’d first seen the apartment and were thinking of renting it.

She peered over his shoulder. “Isn’t it cool?”

“Imagine the noise,” Jasper said. “We’ll never sleep.”

“We’ll get used to it. It’s so very urban, you know? I love it. And that backyard? Where else in Chicago will we find a yard that big? I mean without going way out west.” She’d thought for a moment and Jasper knew an idea was percolating in her mind. “We could get a dog!” she exclaimed, as though the idea had just occurred to her.

“And you’ll take care of it?”

“Why not? I take care of you.”

Jasper shut his eyes and rested his forehead against the cool glass. She had. She’d always been there for him.

He knew he hadn’t been there for her. Not in the way he should have been. And he wasn’t thinking of being a boyfriend or anything like that. But simply to be there. He remembered his thought earlier about his dad and how he’d only wanted to beseen, that was all.

Lacy had wanted the same from him.

And although he loved her, he didn’t know that he could say hesawher, really saw her. Because, if he had, maybe she’d still be here. Maybe she’d be behind him at this very moment, peering out at the day over his shoulder. Perhaps she would have made up with the man she thought was her uncle but who turned out, in a soap-opera-type twist, to be her father. She would have introduced him to Jasper and sparks would fly.

She’d be the “best man” at their wedding.

The teakettle’s whistle pierced the air, made him jump. He felt yanked back down to earth.

He poured steaming water into mugs and waited a few minutes for the tea to steep.I failed her as much as everyone else. And, like most everyone else, I didn’t even know it. I didn’t mean to. We’re all so busy and immersed in our lives, how often do we really see each other?

He lifted the mugs and headed toward the living room. Rob looked up at him from the couch as he set the mugs on the coffee table. “I didn’t ask if you wanted cream or sugar.”

“I’m sure this is fine.” Rob picked up his mug.

“That’s good because we don’t have either. There might be some lemon juice in the fridge, though, if you like it that way.”