Page 39 of The Secrets We Keep
He stood outside Rob’s door for the longest time, debating. He could always turn and go back home. It wasn’t too late. He could explain that he’d lost a woman who’d been like a mom to him and that he needed to grieve, which was true enough.
But Louise wouldn’t have approved of him using her as an excuse not to move forward with his life, no matter how much the loss of her affected him. He remembered that winter day when he was a senior in high school and had come out to her, in that very same kitchen where so many memories gathered and lived. He’d been so scared he’d been shaking as he sat at the table, toying with a piece of sweet-potato pie and a cup of coffee.
He worried Louise wouldn’t love him anymore. After all, she was old school, raised on the South Side of Chicago in the Baptist faith. Jesus was a personal friend. She wore a hat to church on Sunday and sang gospel hymns in the choir.
After he’d managed to choke out the words, “I’m gay,” she looked at him with those warm brown eyes of hers. And then she threw back her head and laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“You think I didn’t know that?”
“You did?” Jasper could distinctly recall his shock as a physical sensation—a single drop of sweat rolling down his spine.
“Of course I did. Me and everyone else who’s ever come into contact with you.” She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “You thought it was some big secret?”
Jasper had finally laughed—a little—himself. “I guess.” He made himself take a sip of coffee. “And you don’t think any less of me? Don’t think I’m gonna burn in Hell?”
“Sweetie, you might burn in Hell, but not for being gay.” She touched his cheek with her careworn hand. “You’re one of God’s own children. He’s not gonna fault you for being who you are. And neither am I.”
Jasper moved closer to Rob’s door. One thing she’d said stood out. “The only thing I could be mad at you for, honey, is not finding love. Because in the end, that’s our greatest gift. It’s our power, our blessing, and our reason for living.”
Louise wouldn’t want him to turn away from this door.
So he raised his hand and knocked, for Louise, for himself.
Rob opened the door almost before Jasper could lower his hand back to his side.
The sunlight from the windows behind him made him a silhouette. Almost.
Jasper felt like he was seeing him for the very first time. Not just how handsome he was—he was that, in spades—but a vulnerability there, a hope written in the way he bit his lower lip, a calmness, yet an excitement too.
“I’m so glad you’re here.”
The words could have been a cliché, cheap sentiment, something one says like “Pleased to meet you,” but Jasper felt like Rob meant the simple statement with his heart, meant it deep down.
It was a charged moment. Something like electricity—perhaps he could call it anticipation—hung in the air as they stood facing each other, one outside and one in.
Stepping across that threshold would change Jasper’s life. It wasn’t a conscious notion, but something he felt deep inside, instinctively. He wanted to rush into Rob’s arms, but propriety—and nothing more than that, really—held him back.
Louise, if she’d been there, would have pushed him, laughing.
Finally, Rob stepped back and at the same time opened the door wider. “Come on in.”
Their day together was about to begin.
Jasper took in the mussed king-size bed, the view of downtown buildings, the sunlight glinting off their glass facades, in a single glance.
He didn’t want this to be a tawdry encounter, one where he offered himself up like some sacrificial lamb, but maybe, just maybe, the beginning of something real.
“I wish every day could be like this.” Jasper went to gaze out the window at the majesty of the day and the buildings men had built almost as though to worship the sunlight and the cloud-choked, yet sun-drenched, sky.
Chapter 12
“I WISHevery day could be like this.”
Rob considered the back of Jasper’s head as he stared out the window at the perfection of the spring day—his dark, wavy hair, the alert way his head sat upon those beautiful and broad shoulders. Rob needed to say something but wasn’t quite sure what, so he asked, “How shall we make the best of it?”
Jasper turned to him, and Rob noticed, not for the first time, how clear and magnetic the green of his eyes was. He savored the sharp planes of Jasper’s face, softened by the dark stubble on his cheeks and chin. Complementing those features were his full lips and strong, aquiline nose.