Page 35

Shy

I turn and despite the fact that I know I’m on a timer, I can’t help but wonder at the beauty I see around me.

Annwn. They call it the Welsh version of Hell.

The Welsh did not get the same memo the Christians did.

Life abounds here. Green forest and waterfalls. Mighty trees and soft ground at my feet. It’s stunningly beautiful. I find myself on the banks of a serene lake, the waterfall in the distance. All around me there’s some kind of festival going on. I smell pies baking and meat frying. Families sit on big blankets and enjoy the day.

Well, that’s not what I expected.

Devinshea. I feel him in my soul. I feel his sorrow, but he is calm. He refuses to give in to confusion and rage like so many others. What I really feel is his will to do the right thing.

He would have been the most magnificent father-in-law.

“Me, either.”

I say the words out loud because we’re not in synch the way I was with Harry. Harry and I could talk in my head, but it took a while for me to figure out how to do it. Devinshea is different. His mind works in a way Harry’s did not. Or I suppose I should call it his soul. “Matilda told us, though.”

Yes, I would like to have a word with the crone.

A big white rocket runs my way, and I’m suddenly assaulted by a happy hellhound. Fluffy.

“How did you get here?”

I pet the big beast, and we’re joined by the other two. Caddoc and Emyr bounce around me.

“These little ones belong to us. I allowed Mallt-y-nos to take them for a while. I did not understand why she felt she needed a break at the time. There are things not even a god knows. I allowed Mallt-y-nos her sabbatical, and she brought you here. Now it’s time to call them home,”

a deep voice says. “It’s time to call all my people home. I’m afraid I’ve been hiding.”

Oh, I have a few things to say to… Dev begins. And then he’s suddenly standing beside me. “…Arawn. Shy, I need you to translate for me. You are a massive ass.”

The King of the Dead manages a smile while crossing his arms over his chest. “Dev, it’s good to see you. I am ready to hear whatever you have to say. Also, you don’t have to hide inside yr un sanctaidd when you’re in Annwn. You are welcome here. I know we’ve had our issues, and you can’t know how I regret the last few decades I spent in the Unseelie sithein. I allowed myself to become something less. Can you tell me how she is?”

I do not have time for this. “Your Majesty…”

He shakes his head. “You do not call me that. You are… yr un sanctaidd. I bow to you.”

I’m not sure what he means, but somewhere out there my husband needs me. “I need to know how to defeat Myrddin, and I need to know now.”

“You’re worried time is moving,”

Arawn says, nodding as though satisfied he can fix the problem. “I assure you we can spend days here in Annwn and I will have you back to your husband within moments of when you left. You will miss nothing. But you should also understand that you cannot defeat Myrddin alone. You don’t have what you need yet.”

My heart threatens to stop in my chest. “I can’t save Rhys and the rest of them?”

“Arawn, there has to be a way.”

Dev stands next to me, lending me his strength.

“Yes, there is a way, and the dark prophet laid it out.”

He chuckles, and it’s an affectionate sound. “Although he didn’t reveal the whole plan, did he? He knew exactly who you were, Shahidi. He could have told me.”

“And you would have…?”

Dev asked.

Arawn sighs. “I probably would have screwed everything up since I would have wanted to see her. I’m certain the only reason Myrddin is surprised by her existence is the fact that he didn’t know what she was until now.”

I have to hope this male is telling me the truth and I’m not missing my chance to save my family. For some reason, I believe him. For some reason, he feels familiar. “Yeah, I’m still a bit confused. So I’m this sacred one and I’m somehow connected to you. I don’t know that you’ve noticed, sir, but I don’t have a lot of Welsh in my background.”

The softest look comes over the death god’s face. “It’s in your soul, Shy. I have never understood humanity’s need to classify and separate by traits that are meaningless in the end. The essence you were first formed with was made of Welsh land and magic and pieces of my soul. The way you appear now is mere coincidence. The power was granted to me by whatever being controls the universe.”

“You’re a god,”

I point out.

“Little g,”

Arawn corrects. “Not big, though you should know those who claim the one god only for themselves do not know the heart of the universe. Think of the gods as pieces of the creator, emissaries, so to speak, because humans are tied to their bodies and common physical features as something to create community around.”

“I think what you’re saying is we are often intolerant to those who look different than us so the creator has to come to humanity in forms we can understand.”

Dev sounds very academic all of the sudden.

“So while I rule this way station some call an underworld, I don’t control the universe, and I am just as ignorant as humans about some things. The dark prophet is playing a dangerous but necessary game because all the gods fear Myrddin. Long ago Heaven and Hell worked out a deal to keep balance on the Earth plane and Myrddin was created. Through the millennia he has gained power, and now he has done what we all feared he would do.”

“Chosen a side,”

Dev says grimly.

Arawn nods. “Grayson Sloane is obviously playing a game of chess, putting all the pieces in place. It is not time to kill the wizard. He is too powerful for even you. For you alone, but you will not be for long. Even today Myrddin set another on her path, and long ago he did the same for the third. The men are necessary as both power and obfuscation, if Grayson is doing what I think he is. This will always be a war won by women, un sanctaidd.”

“Why do you call me that and why am I here if I cannot save them today? I don’t…I don’t know what I’ll do without him.”

It is so odd since I started this whole thing certain I would walk away from him, and now I can’t imagine it. Can’t imagine my life, my heart, going on without him.

Panic threatens to overwhelm me.

“Calm,”

Arawn says in a gentle but firm tone. “Find your calm. All will be well if you will it. You cannot kill him but you can defeat him, and you won’t do it with violence. You will do it the way you were created to do it. You will offer those he would harm choice and light and a chance to start again. Like you offered Devinshea, though it is not yet his time.”

“How?”

I ask because I still don’t understand why I’m sacred.

“What do you mean by it’s not my time?” Dev asks.

The King of the Dead gives him a mysterious smile. “My cauldron gives opportunities. She allows for change, for rebirth, and she can allow those who have made mistakes to make retribution if they choose. I see the way every creature could die. See the most likely way each will die. I do not see this death for you, Devinshea. I see a long life with your family, and oddly a gentle fading, your children by your side, when they are gone.”

“I won’t outlive them,”

Dev says. “We all know that despite taking Daniel’s blood I am mortal and will die.”

“And yet that is not what I see for you, High Priest,”

Arawn says gently. “There is a way, but I cannot influence it. It is up to him. If he truly sees what Shahidi can do, what she is made of, it could sway him.”

“Who?” Dev asks.

“Have faith and all will be well,”

Arawn promises before turning to me. “You wish to know what you are? Like I said I was granted permission to create you, but you stand before me magnificent on your own. Shy, I created you and I was forced to destroy you when I knew I could no longer keep my corporeal form. It was that or hide you in Annwn forever, and you were meant to be in the world. You were a gift for the living creatures of all the planes.”

The truth hits me. I suppose somewhere I have always known. I knew it when I felt the deep connection to earth and sky. When I first felt a creature pass and wished it well on its journey. I thought those moments the fanciful ideas of a creative child, but I was closer to the truth then. When I was a child, my mind wasn’t muddled with the problems of living. I simply was and knew the dying rabbit or butterfly could use my kindness.

And so I turned the wheel and released them.

My mind flies back. Through the ages, because I was not human until I took this form.

I bubble and boil. I feed the armies of the Earth plane. I offer rebirth to those who choose me, passage to those ready to be something else.

I am life and death and eternity in the form of a cauldron. While I appear to be cast of iron, the truth is something more. I am energy. I am rest. I am the end and beginning of the experience of life.

And then I am small. I am dismantled because I am dangerous. I am flung to a new land where Arawn believes I will be safely hidden for all of time.

I want more.

I want to know why they wish for the wheel to turn. Why they make the choices they make.

I want to know what I am truly made of, to understand the world in a way I cannot in this form.

So I turn my wheel. I become a mote of dust, a blade of grass on the savannah, a drop of needed rain. I become the smallest of creatures, bacteria replicating, and then an ant with mighty strength. A bird on the wind and mouse skittering around. A beloved cat and fierce lion, and then I find my way into my mother’s womb and after centuries and centuries, I am Shahidi.

And I know what I was born to do. It’s the same thing I am made of.

Love.

Tears kiss my cheeks, sweet knowledge and peace flowing through my veins.

I see this place with different eyes. It is even more beautiful than before because I realize Arawn created it as a replacement for me. Annwn is an underworld in name only. It is what he called it. A way station. These beautiful souls are resting and readying for their next journey. They are making decisions about where to go next, what they need to work on. How they can help more, love better.

This is what Myrddin seeks to stop. Our choices. He wants to send everyone to the Hell plane, to one existence for his own selfish purposes.

I can stop him.

“I have always asked the spirits I talk to if they see a light.”

Emotion wells inside me. “Did I keep them from it?”

Arawn takes my hands in his, and warmth fills me because death does not have to be cold. It can be a warm blanket at the end of a long day, the sunshine on my face just before twilight. It can be hope for more, for another chance. “Never, my child. You never once kept anyone from the light. They simply found another one. You aren’t responsible for all the dead of the world. But you are the hope for the lost ones.”

“Because you are the light, Shahidi.”

Dev gives me a gentle smile. “When I died, I heard the call of Myrddin’s spell, but it was nothing compared to your light. It is…the promise of peace. You are nothing to fear and everything to be grateful for. Like the lives we live. The time we have. You make us appreciate what we were given and anticipate what is to come.”

I sent them searching for the light.

I am the light.

“You are ready.”

Arawn’s jaw tightens as he holds my hands and turns to Devinshea. “Is this what it feels like to have a child? I created her but this…this is her own growth. I am proud of her in a way I did not anticipate.”

“Yes, that is what it means,”

Dev replies. “Being a father means you have to love no matter what happens. It means you have to accept your circumstances and forget your regrets because your children mean more.”

“I was always afraid of grief. Afraid I would one day mourn them,”

Arawn admits. “It’s why I denied Nimue.”

This is something I have learned. I wonder if I would have had Arawn not been forced to change me. If I was never out in the world, would I have learned this important lesson? “Grief is temporary. Mourning is different. It’s a gift in a way because it reminds us how deeply we loved and were loved. We have to find a way through grief, but mourning is something we can hold close because missing those we lost can be sweet, too. Mallt-y-nos told me I need to view death differently. Perhaps it’s time you viewed life through a different lens, Arawn.”

He squeezes my hand and nods. “Yes, it is. Tell Daniel I am going to the Earth plane. I will wait for Nimue to forgive me. I know a couple of great assisted living homes in Iceland. Tuesday night bingo is off the hook, as the young people say.”

“They do not say that anymore,”

I reply with a genuine smile. My fear is gone. There is nothing left but the deep belief that I will win.

He responds with a smile that lights his usually grim features. “I was never good with slang. But I will be there. And if the King of All Vampire needs me, I will be there, too. I think it’s time I got the old gang together. Hades is pretty fun, though he has some beef with Hel. And Kali is a genuine treat. I mean as long as you don’t piss her off. Yeah, we could cause Myrddin Emrys some trouble.”

“I will let him know,”

Dev responds.

Arawn leans over and lays a gentle kiss on my forehead. “Fly free, my cauldron. You deserve all the love in the world. See things the way they are now, free of fear, your ancient eyes lit with new fire.”

I feel Dev slip back into my soul and then we’re in the midst of battle.