Page 30

CHAPTER 30

M ei’s breathing is steady. Deep, even though I don’t want it to take her too far from me. But I gotta think. Clear my head, sift through all the new info, so I ease away from her, instantly cold without her warm back against my chest.

I consider pulling my wet shirt on, then forget it and close the door behind me before taking the stairs down two at a time.

Guo sits at the table staring into her tea, her robe drooped around her, making her even smaller. She glances up, then pats the table and points to the chair across from her.

“Come here, boy.”

I drop into the chair, my head still fuzzy from exhaustion. “This whole thing…” I put my elbows on the table, my head in my hands, and talk to the scarred wood. “What do I do, Guo?” I drop my hands and they slap the table as I look up. “I promised her I’d keep her from Nick but…how? What am I supposed to do about any of this?”

“She told you.”

I close my eyes and nod. “Yeah. ”

“She has told you what she knows, yes, but there is more. So much more I cannot say.”

I shake my head and open my eyes. “Then…if you can’t tell me what it is, at least tell me what to do. I’ll do it—whatever it is. Unless it’s letting her go. Can’t do that.”

Guo watches me, hands folded on the table. “Mei Li cannot stay. It is too dangerous.”

I blink. “But what if—”

Guo holds up her hand. “She cannot stay, Marcus. She must leave. This is all very tricky, but…I’ve been thinking, and…”

I stare at her, waiting. “And what?”

“She must leave San Francisco and you will not be together.”

I frown, scan the kitchenette. “So that’s it? That’s what you’ve been thinking about?”

Guo hesitates. “Yes…but also…”

I lean into the table. “Help me out here, Guo.”

“She could leave, and you could still be together.”

I squint. “Like…how, if she leaves?” Her eyes spark and I tense my legs. “Not following…”

She places her hand on my arm, her knobby fingers like bent, dry twigs. “I called my brother in Seattle. He has a cottage where she can stay. There is room for two. Until we figure out how to keep her in America.”

All feeling drains into my feet which want to run far from this conversation. “What are you saying?” I squint like I’m staring into an explosion. Of my brain.

“You heard me just fine but need time to think. It’s a big decision. No easy solution.”

“So…” I stare at the table like there’s a map I can follow so I don’t get lost in this conversation. “You’re telling me I should go to Seattle with Mei.”

Guo juts out her jaw. “I will not tell you to do anything. This is your decision. You do not have to go, but it is the only way to keep you together. I will not blame you if you choose not to, and we will figure out a way for you to communicate with Mei Li wherever she ends up. You just will not be together.”

I stare at the table again until the wood grain blurs, then shove away from it and bolt toward the back door. “I need a minute. Or five hundred.”

“Yes, take some time. And a shirt from the rack. You are half naked.”

I grab an I Heart SF Chinatown t-shirt from the nearest shelf and tug it on. It’s a little tight but I turn toward the door, then back to Guo. “This is crazy.”

She nods slowly. “Every part of it, yes, but I am here for you. As if you were my own. Always. Whatever you decide. Understand?”

I step to her and gather her in my arms, her fuzzy robe sticking to my sweaty palms. “This is so messed up. I’m freaked out of my mind. But thanks for being my real mom.” Right now, I need one especially since I’m not sure I have a dad anymore.

“Oh, you…” She squeezes my waist and swipes at tears before she steps back. “I’m so proud of you, and I will be here for you all the way. You and Mei Li are my xiǎo háizi.” She smiles and nods. “Children.”

Kissing the top of her head, I turn toward the door. “If Mei wakes up, tell her I’ll be right back.”

I’m up the alley in seconds, bent over, gripping my knees as I catch my breath. Holy freak. Did that conversation really just happen? Ten hours ago, I was leaving my apartment with Tavah. Two hours ago, I was running out of it to find Mei. And I found her, but…found so much more. Way too much.

I sprint to the corner. Watch the light turn from red to green to yellow, then red again. My brain cycles, too. Run with Mei? How? For how long? What would I tell Dad? Would I tell him? My jaw tenses. No. I don’t have to. He has Kenna. I could be with Mei.

But how? This would never work for a thousand reasons.

Pumping my legs harder, I round the corner, picturing Mei in the robe. Nothing underneath. Like…nothing. Just…all of her. Completely naked. Something I’ve dreamed of seeing, but not with Face Eater’s stain smeared all over her.

I run faster, trying to leave thoughts behind, darting across streets, sprinting up hills, pushing my lungs to their limit all the way to Telegraph Hill. I try to catch my breath but can’t, sprint up the steps when more thoughts catch up.

On step fifteen, I lean over the railing and puke in the bushes. Tastes like confusion, and leaves me dizzy, so I throw up again. This time, it’s all my burning, oily anger toward Face Eater for what he’s done to Mei and for forcing me to make an impossible decision. At Dad for lying and blowing up the one solid thing I thought I had.

I clutch my chest when a cold fear chaser follows. I lost Dad tonight. My solid ground. I can’t lose Mei, too. What she told me and what Guo suggested changes everything. Except…nothing. At least not the way I feel about Mei.

I drop to the step, letting everything she told me soak in. I have to go with Mei. I want to. She finally told me everything. I’m in this with her already.

I sort through it until the sun peeks over the city below, then push myself to my feet, stretch the soreness from prom out of my legs. Prom seems so stupid now—people dressed up, pretending to be someone else. Me, trying to be someone else and feeling things for someone else while Mei was fighting off Nick. Or not able to fight him off. I hate that I don’t know.

I bolt up the steps, sweating the fear and confusion out of me. We can figure this out because on step 116, I realize how much I need Mei. I couldn’t handle being one street or an unanswered text or phone call away from her, so there’s no way I could handle her being all the way across the world. No.

Things inside me that shriveled without her are popping back to life. When she was gone, I was, too. The way I feel about her is bigger than how I need her laugh or her smile or the way I want her body. Without her, the me I recognize doesn’t exist and doesn’t want to. It won’t. So if she goes to Seattle, I go, too.

On step 300 I stop, hands on my hips as I squint into the morning sun. But I have college. Soccer. Med school. Right? All of that still matters?

My life was so planned out until today. Until I found out Dad’s secret.

Now I don’t have to stay in San Francisco. I could go with Mei.

I could go to Stanford.

I could take Mei with me. No one would look for her there. I’ll keep her close and safe.

I drop to the step, elbows on my knees, hands clasped in front of me like I can squeeze the answer out of them.

Scenario #1: Get into Stanford. My scholarship includes a private dorm. Mei could stay there with me.

Probability of getting into Stanford: unknown

Scenario #2: Get a place near USF with Mei.

Probability of Nick hunting her down: 281%

Probability of Dad finding us and Mei getting deported: 99%

Probability of hurting Dad: 100%

Probability I don’t care anymore: 3,000%

Scenario #3: Suck it up and tell Dad about Nick. Make him swear not to implicate Mei. Hide her at The Clubhouse until I figure out the whole Stanford thing.

Probability I won’t be able to handle the look on Dad’s face even though he’s a liar, too: 98.9%. I saw his shocked/disappointed look when Jeff and I got busted by one of Dad’s cop friends for trespassing in that abandoned building near Jeff’s house. But this is way bigger. New levels of bigger.

Probability Dad will arrest Nick and lock him up:100%

Probability Nick could hurt Mei even in custody: 50%. He’ll still have guys on the outside.

Probability of losing Mei: 100%

So…I need to get out of San Francisco. Unless…

Scenario #4: Forget it all and never see Mei again.

Probability I’ll be wrecked/debilitated/paralyzed/good as dead: 1,713%

Somebody’s getting hurt, no matter which scenario. Me? Dad? Mei? Maybe three for three, depending on my decision.

I draw a mental pie chart. Mei’s a decisive 0%. I’m a solid 0%. Which leaves Dad all 100% of the hurt. Wouldn’t have done it a few hours ago, but I’m willing now. I want Mei. He can have Kenna.

The only way I’ll end up with Mei is to leave San Francisco with her.

Decision: Avoid Dad. Leave SF. Pray I get into Stanford.

But even if I do, I can’t go until July. If I don’t…we’ll figure it out. Together. In Seattle.

Probability this is a stupid plan: 99.999998%.

But after seeing what Nick did to her, I’ll do anything to protect her from him, and help her understand I’ll never leave her or treat her that way. I’ll be so careful with her. Give her nothing but respect. I’ll never give her any reason to compare me to him. She once told me everyone wants to feel safe. She needs safe. I can be that for her.

I clench my jaw and look out over the bay. I’m not going home. I’ll text Dad, tell him I’m staying at Johnny’s for a few days to cool down. Mei and I will go to Seattle until I hear from Stanford. I’ll use Meemaw’s graduation money to get us through until then. $10,000 could help us start a life together.

I close my eyes. This could actually work. Not sure what’ll happen to Mei’s family, but Mei and I will be together. She’ll be safe, no deportation. Right? I don’t know. Don’t know anything about this stuff.

I swear and run my fingers through my hair. What now, God? I yell in my head . What do I do with this? You brought Mei into my life, and it was the best idea you’ve ever had, but then…this. I know I haven’t been the greatest human you ever created. I sometimes sleep in church, and I skipped the youth ministry humanitarian trip last summer. And I’ve been lying to my dad, but come on…a hint would be great about now. Tell me if I should do this. Promise I’ll keep my hands to myself. Won’t touch her if that’s what she needs, because I’ll never be like Nick. I wanna show her I really love her. And as for Dad, he’ll obviously be fine. He can figure out his own mess. I need your help with this one. Just please, whatever you tell me to do, let me have Mei.

I clasp my hands between my knees and stare at them, then growl and stand, running back down the steps. I zigzag through side streets to Chinatown, the flash flood of adrenaline drying up and leaving behind pain. I need to get back to Mei but need someone to tell me if this is right. God’s not answering. For the first time in my life, I wish I had a mom. But I have Guo. Maybe she’s God’s big hint. Okay, but really…run away with Mei? We’re freaking eighteen. Years of college. She wants culinary school. Maybe she wants a fresh start somewhere else. Maybe she’d find someone else. Maybe I would.

No. Nope. No other girls, no college, nothing will make me feel the way one smile from Mei does. She’s mine. I wanna be hers in the forever kinda way. And if that means getting out of San Francisco together…

I swallow as the haze in my head clears. If I do this, Mei will know I want us all the time. Forever. Commit, like Dad said. Maybe if he’d taken his own advice, my mom would’ve stuck around. Maybe they’d still be together. Maybe he didn’t love my mom enough, but after only eight weeks of knowing Mei, I love her way more than enough. And I never wanna be where I was five hours ago—without her.

I take off down the hill, letting momentum throw me into my new direction. Leaving all my doubt and fear in my dust. Mei’s name pounds through my head with every step—Mei, Mei, Mei. Me. Us.

I look both ways as I approach a street then sprint across it, not bothering to wait for the light to change and am rounding the corner when a siren blares once like someone’s being pulled over. I glance over my shoulder as I pump up the hill but falter when the siren whoops again. From Dad’s patrol car.

Jerking my focus back to the sidewalk ahead of me, I scan the street, places I could detour, disappear, but his car accelerates behind me and veers to the curb beside me. Dad throws the car door open and jumps out.

“Marcus, stop!”

My legs tighten, but I keep running, my hands in fists now.

“I’m telling you to stop as a cop, not your dad. Stop now or I’ll arrest you.”

“You can’t arrest me for catching you in a lie,” I yell over my shoulder, slowing as the hill gets steeper. “Go call Kenna.” Pushing my legs harder, I grit my teeth and shove myself up the hill, faltering when the car revs behind me and screeches to a stop between me and the corner. Dad jumps out again and strides toward me, his face all business, no apology, no shame. His eyes burn through me.

“We can talk about our personal differences after you explain these.” He flashes his phone screen toward me as he barrels closer. I stop, glued to the moment and the picture on his screen. Me. Mei. Walking and holding hands. I swallow, my blood screeching to a halt then draining from my face, pooling in my feet.

He jabs his screen, swipes, his eyes on me like metal bars. “ Have something you wanna tell me? Maybe why pictures of you with Mei Li Zhang are on my lead suspect’s phone?”

My heart thuds in my throat, mouth dry. I cough, searching for air. Me on Mei’s fire escape. Swipe. Mei in her beanie, walking into my apartment building. Swipe. Mei, Lin, me walking home from my soccer game.

Dad stops inches from me, so close I can smell his deodorant. “Go ahead—explain. I’m all ears.”

My brain’s static, only one word visible through the black and white: How?

“Talk. Or I’ll take you to the precinct and make you talk.”

He’s using his cop voice, and it bounces around my head, stirs up the anger I just pounded down on my run. “You think I’m gonna tell you anything when you’ve been hiding everything from me?”

“This isn’t about Kenna or me, this is about you and how you’re involved with Nick Chao.”

I bark a laugh. “I’m not involved with Nick, but I’m pretty involved with Mei Li Zhang. And P.S., nothing’s ever been about me. It’s been all about you and redoing your past through me. So I do one thing for myself and you wanna arrest me?”

He steps closer, gets in my face. “Marcus, you have no idea what you’re messing with and who—”

“I told Stanford no.” It rockets out of me, and I tense; I want the news to explode in his face and hurt as much as it did for me to decline my scholarship. “Because of you.”

He squints. “You what?”

“I declined my scholarship. Because of you. Because I was afraid of leaving you here alone. Turns out, you won’t be.”

His eyes flash and I swear his face goes pale but his jaw tightens and he steps back. “We can discuss this later but right now, I need you off these streets, locked in The Clubhouse. I’ve been working this case for four years and know what kind of loser Nick Chao is.” He holds up the phone, still laser-focused on me. “If you’re involved with Mei Li, you’re involved with Nick and if he knows about you, all his people know about you. You’re walking around with a target on your back.”

His words are pointed, like he shot them from his gun.

“Of all the girls you could’ve gotten messed up with, this was the messiest, and it has to end.” He steps to the driver’s side door and talks over the roof of his car. “Get in the car so I can drive you home. You need to stay in the apartment, understand?”

“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me why Nick cares I’m with Mei. What does any of this have to do with Mei or me?”

He leans against the car, aiming his words at me, point blank. “Nick’s not the one you should be worried about, Marcus.” He swears, closes his eyes, rubs his forehead, then turns his eyes on me again. “You’re closer to this case than you even realize. Get in the car.” His eyes push me back against an invisible wall, so I fling open the car door and drop into the seat.

He slides into the driver’s side and talks to the windshield as he revs the car down the hill. “I need every detail of you and Mei Li and Nick. Before we get to The Clubhouse.”

I scan the purple shadows bruising the buildings as the sun comes up, people waking up to a new day that doesn’t include being implicated in criminal activity. I need to find the high I was riding before Dad showed up but unanswered questions and the threat of arrest stomps it out. I need to know how those pictures of Mei and me got on Nick’s phone and why. Need to get out of San Francisco. With Mei. Forget graduation. They can mail my diploma. Forget Dad’s threats. I’ve told him all he needs to know. Maybe too much. Definitely too much.