Page 20

CHAPTER 20

Marcus,

Like how I folded this note? I YouTubed it. Guo Mama shouldn’t be able to open it which means this is my chance to say something really juicy like…continue our game of 3 Random Objects from last night. Actually, from 2 AM. (Shouldn’t I be more tired than I am?) First 3 random objects: Marcus Miller’s smile, Marcus Miller’s laugh, Marcus Miller’s lips when they’re on mine. Your turn.

I toss my AP chem book beside my lawn chair and scrunch down, my hoodie shielding my face from the crisp April breeze sauntering down the street. Every chemical equation I try to solve comes to the same conclusion: Mei Li Zhang, the element MLZ. And that’s it—there’s not much else in my head. Just her and a whole lot of the last three words she said to me: I love you . Then the three words she texted at 3 AM after our two-hour video chat: See you tomorrow.

It’s tomorrow. Almost 7 PM tomorrow, and I still haven’t seen her. But man, I need to. She texted at 4:45 to say she’d sneak over as soon as she could, and I gave her the green light. Sat on this fire escape. Tried doing chemistry, and it really needs me to pull my head out of last night—Mei’s face on my phone screen, the questions we asked each other but would never ask anyone else before we signed off way too late as usual—very, very reluctantly, stretching over twenty minutes. Her good night text is lodged in my brain. My reaction to it still burns through me.

My foot taps against the metal, clanging all the way down the building. We need to figure this out. How, where, when…she’s gotta be an everyday thing. We have to figure out more undercover meeting spots, more ways to see each other. I gotta figure out how to keep my hands off her enough that I earn my motorcycle, but the motorcycle kinda feels flimsy now. If I had to choose between the two…

The thought stumbles over itself when Mei finally rounds the corner of her building, I’m out of my chair and gripping the railing, watching her cross the street. Her hands are shoved in the pockets of an oversized coat, her hair tucked inside a beanie to disguise herself as she jogs toward my building.

I sweep the street for any lurkers, then back to Mei who’s watching her feet until old man Huang stops sweeping the sidewalk in front of his apothecary shop. He bows and smiles, adjusting his glasses as he speaks to her.

No, no, no—keep moving. Her disguise obviously didn’t work for him, and it won’t work for Face Eater’s guys either, especially when she smiles at Mr. Huang, exploding the whole world.

Gripping the railing, I watch her cross the street toward my building then scramble back into my living room and dart to the front door before my heart beats twice. I’ve waited almost twenty-four agonizing hours to see her. Couldn’t concentrate in class, thanks to the buzzing in my head, and every time I blink, I see her smile, feel her lips.

I snatch a piece of gum from the cupboard, straighten my jacket, and run my fingers through my hair. Stare at the door and wonder if she got the note I left with Guo this morning. One of my best by far. Had me squirming when I wrote it. It’s like the thought of her split me open and a bunch of feelings hiding inside spilled onto the paper. Big ones. I told her all about them but left out the three words that have been sprinting through my mind. Saving them for face to face, perfect time, perfect place. Not here and not tonight since now, I only have two hours until Dad comes home from his meeting. Hope he doesn’t sense the words I wanna say or the female voodoo. If he just knew Mei, he’d change his mind about all women. I mean, five weeks ago, I was pro-motorcycle, anti-girl, anti-love. Then I met Mei. Now it’s pro-motorcycle, totally pro-girl, completely pro-love. And I like it.

Love it.

Love her.

Love? Really, though.

I smile at the door. Yeah. Really. Definitely.

The intercom beeps and I buzz her in, count to seventeen, then swing the door open before she can knock. “Hey.” I pull her inside and close and lock the door before wrapping my arms around her “It’s been twenty-two hours too long since I’ve seen you,” I say, leaning my forehead against hers.

She wraps her arms around my neck and laughs into my ear before whispering, “Did you mean all those things you wrote in your note?”

My pulse bounces in my neck as I pull her beanie off and smooth the static from her hair. This is the moment. It’s not where or how I pictured telling her, but the words are coming out and—

“It sounded kind of like you might have a crush on me, but I don’t want to assume anything.” She stands on tiptoe and presses against me, pushing me into hyperdrive.

I turn her and pin her against the wall, my mouth finally—FINALLY—all over hers like it’s dreamed of being all day. Mmm…strawberry bubblegum…She tastes like strawberry freakin’ bubblegum. Her mouth’s so warm and it’s telling me thin gs she’ll never have to say out loud. It’s speaking its own language and I understand every word . Mm-hmm…aw, yeah…Comprende, baby…I want you that much too…gotcha…loud and clear…

“You’re the best kind of torture,” I groan against her lips, catching my breath. If she knew what she was doing to me, she’d be scared, because my thoughts are not the purest. I haven’t even told her I love her, but I do, and it makes keeping my hands off her like resisting gravity.

She unzips her jacket without breaking lip contact, and when my eyes snap open and meet hers, I grab her zipper and yank, shoving the jacket off her shoulders until it drops to the floor. Only her jacket. Still safe.

But her hands are in my hair and a hormone tornado rips up my insides, uncovering all my Mei feelings, flinging them through my body. My fingers flex over her hips, urging her closer until she breathes my name and something powerful—like superhuman powerful on a natural disaster scale—has to stop me because my hands are on her thighs, lifting her so she can wrap her legs around my waist, crush my ribs, squeeze the life out of me, kill me in this most heavenly way.

Blood and adrenaline drag race through my veins, flames trailing them, no brakes. Like my hands, lifting off her shirt. My eyes slip and my control follows. Mei. Black, lacy bra. Hints at everything it’s hiding.

Motorcycle, Mei, motorcycle, Mei, motorcycle.

Mei.

Now.

The silky skin under her ear melts beneath my mouth, and I rip off my jacket, my shirt following with her help. Her hands are on my bare chest, and I close my eyes, wishing there wasn’t a huge tape barrier between the rest of my skin and her fingers.

Her hands make their way to my back, and she pulls me closer, her fingernails digging in. Everything goes into overdrive and I’m frantic—need her so much, I’m shaking.

When her hands go to the button of my jeans, I almost choke, pull back. “Stupid proverb,” I pant. “Bad joke—anything.” But her mouth is on my neck and she’s pulling me closer. If something stupid doesn’t come out of her mouth right now, I’ll do something stupid. But Dad’s gotta know how amazing this feels. Why has he kept me from this? Why did I ever decide to wait? The world could detonate around me, and I wouldn’t notice because it would match the white-hot fire in my body.

I’ll buy my own motorcycle.

I lower her to the couch, my hands gripping her thighs, a siren blaring in my head. It mingles with the crackling in my brain, and I force myself to diagram the moment at lightning speed:

Mei—red hot. Me—in flames. No space between us, just a tangle of arms and legs and enough oxygen being heavily breathed to keep multiple cardiac arrest patients alive. Flaming arrows point out all the hot spots and the percentages of me messing everything up blinks in red: 99.99999 %

A picture of Mei from the night I watched Nick eating the bottom half of her face flashes in my mind. Another of her bruised face, Nick’s signature all over it.

No.

I don’t wanna be like him. Don’t wanna take and don’t want this to end the way these things always end. Guys on the soccer team brag all the time about who they got with the night before, laughing when they tell the guys what they said to the girl to get what they wanted. Jeff and Ty both lost their girls after they did it. Same story for every guy on the soccer team. Dad. My mom. Too many endings.

But how is that even possible? My hands know exactly what to do. And she’s telling me without saying a word how much she’s feelin’ it and I’m feelin’ it and it feels better than any motorcycle and—

I lose it, crawl over her, lacy bra and everything under it pressed against my chest. Heart against heart, mine pounding a warning.

I drop my forehead to hers, squeezing my eyes shut and thinking of the ugliest thing I can. A landfill…steaming, filthy landfill. And rats. All over. Flea-infested, rabid rats. Or a report card riddled with Bs, Cs…Ds…Tiny baby Marcuses everywhere. The end of us.

I pull away, dropping my head to her collarbone. “Just…give me a minute.” I rub her arms, willing myself to cool down.

Cool. Cold. That’s it—glaciers. Glaciers everywhere. Ice cold water lapping at my feet. And I’m shivering. In my underwear. No—not my underwear. Fully clothed. Layers and layers of clothes. Shivering fully clothed. In Antarctica.

“I’m sorry.” I breathe, raising my head to meet her eyes as I shift her knee off my ribs. “I almost wrecked everything.”

“You could never wreck anything,” she whispers, her words trailing down my neck. “Everything with you is perfect.”

Her hands grip my hair and somehow, her body’s even closer. I grit my teeth as I try to shut down my senses. My hands grip her waist.

“Mei.” My voice is gone, my resolve shattered in tiny, heroic pieces around us. “This isn’t me just saying no for the fun of it. If we do this now—and trust me, I want to—I just…don’t want us to end like my mom and dad did. I don’t wanna rush any part of anything with you. I do, but I don’t.”

She catches her breath and sits up, then presses her lips together before talking to her hands. “Or this isn’t the way you pictured it happening. Not perfect enough.” She looks up, holds my eyes.

I swear. “This has nothing to do with perfect, obviously. I just…why does it have to be here? On my couch, when my dad could walk in any minute?”

She swallows and looks at me, then slides off the couch, her back to me.

“Can we talk about this?”

She shakes her head. “I shouldn’t have come over tonight.”

“Mei…” I swallow the heat scorching my throat. “I wanna take things slow so we don’t mess everything up. I don’t wanna keep lying to my dad and really earn my motorcycle.”

“I can’t compete with a motorcycle. Or be perfect for you.” She looks away, shaking her head. “This was never going to work.”

Her words roll over me, circle like a hurricane. My mind slams on the brakes, skids, tries to understand what she’s really saying. “Wait. So you’re out?” The words are so heavy, they drop between us like boulders I have to scramble over. “Is this all you wanted from me? And you didn’t get it so you’re done?” I swear and shake my head. “I happened because my mom took what she wanted from my dad and left. And yeah, he’s not blameless, but I don’t wanna make their mistakes.” Frustration, anger, and confusion tangle in a frayed ball in my chest and press against my aching ribs until I’m on my feet.

“And you think I’m like her?” She turns, shaking her head and swiping at a tear, but when I can’t find a response, she scoffs, “You do. You think I’m her even though you don’t even know her. And obviously you don’t know me, either.”

“You’re right—I don’t know you because you won’t let me in. For all I know, you’ve been having a good laugh with your friends and doing whatever you do with Face Eater when I’m not around.”

Her mouth opens, and I wish I hadn’t said it like that but I’m ready to catch whatever explanation comes out because at least it will finally be something. But she closes her mouth, shakes her head, and all the words back into their hiding place. “I have to go.”

I swear, hands on my head as I turn away from her. I should stop her, but I need to puke. Throw up regret. Fear. Panic. Dad’s right: girls just mess with you. I forgot Mei’s one of them. But she so, so is, and she’s officially messed me up.

I whirl back around when she crosses the room toward her shirt, then her jacket. “Why won’t you tell me what’s really going on?”

She shakes her head, her shirt and jacket pressed to her chest like a shield as she crosses the room, bending to grab her beanie, her hand trembling.

“You can’t just leave. We—”

My head snaps toward the door when someone punches in the code on the other side of it. My eyes skid back to Mei who’s frozen in the middle of the living room, no shirt.

I dive toward her, but I’m too late and light from the hallway spills into the dark apartment and all over us as Meemaw breezes into the living room in a flutter of scarves. I whirl around as her hand finds the light switch, one million watts spotlighting me, frozen, choking on hysteria, an almost-topless Mei behind me.

Meemaw jumps when her eyes land on me, and she drops her bag. “Oh!” One hand flies to her chest, the other braced against the wall. “Marcus!” Her face falls while her eyebrows leap, taking my heart and temperature with them.

Mei’s a blur as she sprints past me and out the door, disappearing into the hallway. My eyes flick to Meemaw who watches Mei go then stares at me, and I plaster a tight, wobbly smile on my face. “Hey…” I’m breathing like I just scaled the wall and dropped in through the window.

She pushes the door shut behind her. “Oh my.” Her eyes run up and down me. “Oh my, oooh my.” She clears her throat, blinks a few times, then bends and picks up her bag .

My eyes follow every movement as she sets it on the table and pats it a few times before looking back at me and sighing.

“Why don’t you put on your shirt.” She waves her hand toward my bare chest. “Then come give me some sugar.” She opens her arms, waving her hands for me to come closer. “Seems you have plenty to spread around tonight. Come ‘ere, baby.”

I blink and swallow scorching, metallic panic and grab my shirt from the floor. I pull it on before jerking toward Meemaw and wrapping my stiff, paralyzed arms around her. My whole body has seized. I’ve gone from overheated to hypothermic.

She squeezes me tight while I try to ignore that she just saw Mei shirtless and knows I’m the one who got her that way. She’ll tell Dad. He’ll take back the motorcycle. If Mei’s not already done, she will be now.

“Sorry to interrupt the festivities,” Meemaw says as she rubs my back, then pulls away and holds my shoulders, plastering a smile on her face. “Thought I’d surprise everybody but turns out, I’m the one who got a surprise!”

I run my hands down my face, shaking my head, my eyes on everything but her face when I drop my hands.

“Didn’t realize you were throwing a topless party tonight but looks like I kind of ruined it for you two.” She gestures toward the door.

I close my eyes, swear under my breath, and nod. “Meemaw…I…” I what? Just wanted to see Mei’s underwear? Was getting ready to check her for breast cancer? I shake my head, my face burning, legs numb. Testosterone slumps in a cold, hard lump in my toes and I drop to the couch.

When her hand rests on my face, I open my eyes. “Ah, Marcus, hon. This isn’t the first time I’ve walked in on an eighteen-year-old male Miller in a compromising situation. Just didn’t expect to find my grandbaby fixin’ to make a great-grandbaby for me.” She pulls a Dr. Pepper from her purse and drops beside me, taking a long swig.

I open my mouth, but she goes on. “You best be glad it was me and not your daddy. You might’ve found yourself in a closet until you die.” She turns her head toward me, blinking. “Does Raymond know about this young lady? Because he’s never mentioned her and I’m pretty sure he would…”

“No—he doesn’t. And we…she and I…haven’t…” The words squeeze out of my raw throat. “We’ve never done anything like that before. Just…got carried away.”

“So, I really interrupted, then.”

I lean forward on my knees and clasp my hands between them, hanging my head. “I totally lost control.”

“Mmm. Yes, well…happens to the best of ‘em.”

“I promised I wouldn’t,” I say to my feet.

She rubs my back, her nails trickling over my t-shirt. “Seems you need to find a reason that will help you keep control. Especially if you really love that gorgeous girl.” Her voice smiles. “Do you love her?”

I close my eyes and dig my toes into the carpet, nodding. “Yeah. And I know it’s stupid—we’re eighteen. Trust me—given myself that talk a couple hundred times. But I just…fell hard for her the night we met. Couldn’t shake it. Tried to control it. Massive failure, as you saw.” I rub my hands down my face.

“You’ve always felt things deeply. Girls like that about boys. Probably the reason Raymond made that silly bet with you. Not that I disagree with him insisting you keep things tucked away.” She takes a sip of her soda. “But what boys your age don’t understand because your hormones are like fireworks, is that sex is not love and love is not sex. No sense confusing your brain with all the emotions that come with playin’ tangle toes too early.”

I glance at her, my face blazing. “Where do you come up with this stuff? ”

She cackles and pats my arm. “The motorcycle bet was just a way to keep you from makin’ the same mistakes your daddy did. But…” She sighs. “Raymond really needs to stop makin’ you a prisoner of his past choices. He’s carried that around for way too long. He could have been married and happy all these years instead of beatin’ himself up and hating womenkind.” She plays with the tab on her soda can. “But I’m only his mama so what do I know?” She rolls her eyes, her earrings swinging against my shoulder. “Your daddy has done an incredible thing, raisin’ you into a spectacular young man but it hasn’t been easy on him or you.” She rubs my back and goes on. “I’m happy you’ve decided to give girls a chance. Maybe consider your speed, though. Find that reason to keep control and think about what’s best for both of you long term. Saves you a load of heartache and regret down the road.”

We sit shoulder to shoulder in silence like we did every summer on her porch swing during storms, talking about things that should’ve been embarrassing but weren’t with her. My body relaxes and I wish I could curl up against her like I did when I was a kid so she can tell me everything with Mei’s gonna be okay.

“Your mama decided not to be a mama and even though she’s moved on, I know in my mama heart that she regrets it every day. Even models have regrets. Especially when she saw your graduation announcement, I bet.”

I turn my head toward her. “How’d she see my announcement?”

Meemaw sets her empty can on the coffee table and sits straighter on the couch, then turns toward me, her hands folded in her lap. “Your mama’s in L.A. I saw Iris—her mama, your other meemaw—at the Piggly Wiggly a few weeks back and got Olivia’s address. Sent her an announcement.” She shrugs. “Thought she’d want to see her baby who’s not a baby anymore and looks an awful lot like her. ”

I stare at Meemaw, thinking about the only two pictures I’ve seen of my mom. What her face might’ve looked like when she got my announcement—a stranger she never wanted to know. Half of her somewhere in the world—up the coast—she didn’t care to meet.

“Why’d you do that? I don’t need her in my life.”

“I know, hon, but your mama has a right to know the fabulous person she brought into this world. I’m just proud of you, that’s all. Wanted to show you off a little, I guess. Show her what she missed.”

A wall of emotions made of my feelings toward my mom, disappointing Meemaw, lying to dad, and my argument with Mei barrels toward me, slams against me. I need to call Mei and explain—talk it out with her—but the way she looked at me right before Meemaw walked in said things I don’t wanna hear. It can’t be over. She didn’t mean it just like I didn’t mean some of the stuff I said. But what if she did?

I grunt like I’ve been gut-punched, then lean forward, elbows on my knees as I stare at the carpet. I squeeze my eyes shut, but too late. Tears burn down my face and I swipe at them. “Please don’t tell Dad,” I say into my hands. “I promise I’ll tell him, I just…please.”

Meemaw sighs. “I won’t say anything to him, baby. This is your deal. But in the meantime, why don’t you tell me everything that’s causing those tears.”