Page 22

CHAPTER 22

Mei,

Three days. No response. Seems kinda permanent. If you were here, like you were three days ago, I’d tell you I love you at least once a minute. Maybe open my window, yell it to all of SF so maybe you’ll hear me and come back.

I stare down at the street from my lawn chair on the fire escape. Maybe if I concentrate hard enough, Mei will appear, and everything will go back to before we fought. Before Meemaw walked in.

I shift in my chair, away from the embarrassment that’s stalked me since that night. I usually hate when Meemaw leaves, but this time, I’m glad she’s staying at Aunt Audrey’s so I don’t have to put so much effort into avoiding eye contact.

Now if Mei would just call me, I could apologize. Again. She could explain everything she’s left unexplained and prove she meant what she said when she told me she loved me. I’d know she wasn’t playing me. We’d keep making plans that have nothing to do with her family or Face Eater or Dad or a motorcycle. I’d show her she means way more to me than any of it.

But it’s 5:30 AM. She’s probably not awake. Unless she can’t sleep, either.

Pulling my beanie down lower, I tighten the blanket around my bare legs. Haven’t been warm since Mei ran out. Been out here for hours and my eyes still refuse to shut. My hands won’t let go of my phone. Just in case Mei decides she’s done with space.

“Hey.”

I look over my shoulder as Dad climbs out the window to join me on the fire escape. He’s shirtless, and for 36, still rockin’ it. I feel like the old man here.

“Hey.” I turn back around in my chair.

“Kinda early to be out here. Everything all right?”

No. I’m so messed up. I went to her apartment after she left, but her curtains were closed. I climbed her fire escape, knocked on her window, but the curtains never moved. Her ladder’s been pulled up every day since, shutting me out. I’ve sent 43 texts. Left twelve voicemails. No response. Nothing.

“Yeah. Fine.”

Dad nods as he leans against the railing, looking out into the foggy morning. “You’ve been kind of quiet the last couple days. You feeling okay?” He gestures toward my beanie and blanket.

Kinda like I’ve been ripped apart.

“Just cold.”

He frowns and turns to face me, crossing his arms over his chest. “Well…you were a rock star at your game yesterday. Perfect one for your meemaw to see. She screamed like a madwoman, and you kicked the hell out of that ball. Not sure where you got your skills, but hey—I’m proud of you, even if I can’t take credit for it.”

He wouldn’t be proud of me if he knew what Meemaw knows about me and Mei. If he knew how many times she’s been in The Clubhouse, and what I almost did with her in our living room…

My stomach flips. “Thanks.”

Dad studies me. “Something’s up M.C. What’s on your mind?”

She’s not on my mind—she’s in it, through it. All over it. So much for space.

I shrug. “Why do you think you and my mom didn’t work out? I mean, I know she left, but, like…why…?”

His eyebrows jump and he goes still, then clears his throat. “Uh…well…that’s actually a question I don’t have an answer to. I only have guesses.”

“What do you think happened? Besides her not wanting a kid.” Did he ever have this feeling in the pit of his stomach that makes me wanna turn myself inside out to get rid of it?

“I think…uh…” He looks around like someone somewhere in San Francisco will answer the question for him. “I think we were too young.” He meets my eyes. “And she had a different idea about where we were headed.”

“Where did you think you were going?”

There’s a question in his eyes, but he goes on. “I thought we’d always be together.” He’s far away now—eighteen years ago away. “Honestly didn’t know what we were doing most of the time. Figured we’d just make it work no matter what.” He shakes his head and laughs once. “We were on and off a lot. One night, we were at a party and things got a little intense and she ended up pregnant.”

I shift in my chair. “So you wish you’d had a motorcycle bet with your dad?” I look down onto the street, my eyes wandering to Mei’s building, mentally standing on her fire escape, waiting for her to open her window and her life to me again.

Dad laughs again, and it ricochets off the buildings as he shakes his head. “Nah. I mean, I wish I’d made different choices, yeah. But a motorcycle bet would mean you wouldn’t be sitting here, so…wouldn’t change it for the world. Things with your mom were just…one of those complicated things, you know?”

Yeah…complicated I do know.

“Listen, if you want to meet her or something, I can find out where she’s at. Last I knew she was in New York, but I can ask around.”

“Nah. No. Just wondering. Like you always say—girls just mess you up.” So he doesn’t know Meemaw sent her a graduation announcement, or that she lives six hours south of here. I wonder how bad it will mess Dad up if my mom shows up to graduation. Or me?

“Most do, yep.” He stretches and I grab onto his words.

Most ? What happened to “all women are awful”?

“That’s why it’s just you and me. Girl-free apartment without a trace of the feminine touch. But who needs it, right?”

It had a whole lot of feminine touching in it three nights ago, and I think I need it. My chest still tingles where Mei’s body pressed against it. Pretty much all over it. I shift in my chair.

“Especially when you have a gorgeous, shiny new girl waiting for you in Lex’s garage.”

My eyes snap to his. “She came?”

“Couple days ago. I’m surprised you haven’t seen the key hanging in the kitchen, teasing you.” He rubs his hands together and smiles. “It’s definitely teasing me, but gotta get you graduated and slip a big, red bow on her. Then? She’s all yours.”

I stare down at the street. The moment I’ve been anticipating for the last four years and I feel…nothing about it.

“Still planning on Stanford campus tour this afternoon?”

“Oh.” I jerk my eyes to his, clear my throat. “Yeah.” Totally forgot we signed up for that months ago. Pretty much forgotten everything in the past few weeks. My loyalty to Dad. Promises. That I still need to tell him I’m not actually going to Stanford.

“Because I was thinking…Since your meemaw and Audrey have plans, maybe we could check out the new branch of The Clubhouse together. I’ll get a couple hotel rooms, you can invite the guys, and we’ll be back before church tomorrow. Sound good?”

I look up, surprised. I’ve been pretending this long, why not keep it up? Plus, it will get me out of here and might be the only time I step on Stanford’s campus. “Sounds great.”

Mei’s everywhere. In the song playing in the restaurant at dinner. On the crumpled Chinese restaurant takeout flyer that tumbled across the sidewalk during the campus tour. In the package of vending machine Sour Skittles I couldn’t stop myself from buying. She’s in the lime air freshener in the elevator and the girl who was laughing hysterically at something her boyfriend said while we were supposed to be listening to the admissions counselor. She’s in my head, on my skin, in my heart…her absence from my life stabbing it violently. It drops me to my knees on the abandoned soccer field and I clutch my stomach. Somehow, Mei’s even affecting my digestion.

I have to talk to her. Tired of talking to myself, imagining what happened. I have to talk to her in the only way I can right now. I didn’t wanna leave a note with Guo because I don’t want her reading what I need to say to Mei, but I’m desperate.

I pull the Sharpie from my pocket and color another letter in “THE END” I drew on my arm in block letters. Once they’re all filled in, it’s safe to say Mei’s gone for good. I take out the local real estate flyer handed to me on my way across campus and flip it over, using my leg as a desk :

Mei,

I’m sitting on an empty soccer field at Stanford. It’s 8:21 PM. A bug is crawling up my leg. I’m overwhelmed with the details of my future. Wish I was coming here in the fall. Dad bought me a Stanford shirt and I’m wearing it, but still not sure how to tell him I’m going to USF. I have a headache, but nothing close to my heartache. Everything feels all wrong. Like that I had Greek fast food for dinner but wanted Chinese. That I haven’t talked to you in three days. I can’t stop freaking thinking about you but can’t leave you another voicemail. I’ve already left 12. The worst (best?) thing is that I can’t stop thinking about the way I felt when you told me you loved me. I can’t stop thinking about how incredibly cool I am with being messed up as long as you’re the one messing me up. It’s been 76 hours, 12 minutes, and according to my very reliable watch, 34 seconds since I last saw you. 3 DAYS. I can’t do this, Mei. I want you to mess me up every day because at least—

“Marcus?”

My head snaps up. Tavah Riggs walks cautiously toward me, and I shove the letter in my back pocket.

“Hey. Johnny invited some of us to meet you guys at some party, but you weren’t there, and after bugging him while he and Sav were making out, he told me you were here. Mind if I join you?”

I stare up at her. Don’t know what to say.

Tavah stops walking. “You do mind. Sorry.”

“Hey, no—you’re fine.” Ah, seriously? “I don’t mind. I’m just…sitting.”

“You sure?” She tilts her head. She has incredibly shiny hair and lips. The combination is…bright.

“Yeah—definitely.”

She sits on the grass beside me, leaving plenty of space between us. Just pretend I’m in chemistry and she’s sitting next to me at our table. Easy.

“So, umm, Marcus…can I ask you something? ”

I glance at her. She’s pretty. I forgot. She’s also the least complicated person on this soccer field right now and it’s calming.

“Is it true, what everyone says about you?”

“Depends on what everyone’s saying.”

She tucks her hair behind her ear and stretches her long legs in front of her—tan, smooth, stretching for miles. “That you don’t like girls. That you think you’re too good for anyone at our school.”

I laugh into the night, a burst of amusement and annoyance. “I like girls.”

“I don’t believe you,” she grins.

If you’d been at The Clubhouse Wednesday night and seen what I was doing with a girl, you’d have no doubt. “Why not?”

“Because. It’s like everyone’s invisible to you.”

Not everyone. There’s one girl I see every time I blink. I choose my words carefully, scanning the field. “I just have this bet with my dad. I get a motorcycle if I stay away from girls.” I shrug. “That’s it.”

Tavah’s eyebrows rise. “Oh. Does he hate girls?”

“Kinda. He doesn’t want them messing me up.” Too late.

Tavah’s laugh sounds like some kinda Middle Eastern musical instrument. “How would a girl ‘mess you up’?” she asks, her eyes intent on mine.

Uh, she could walk into my life with her perfect skin and perfect hair, perfect body and her skinny jeans and let my hormones out of their cage. Everything that comes out of her mouth could be the most fascinating thing I’ve ever heard. She could smile at me for no reason and make me laugh until my stomach hurts. She could mess with my mind until I think I’m in love with her. Rearrange my priorities with one look. Thoughts of her could keep me up at night, hijack my homework or soccer or future. She could be carbonation in my veins. She could become everything to me. For starters .

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” My voice is lower than usual, like it’s taken the deep dive into my thoughts with me. I clear my throat. “Totally fine.”

Except I’m totally not. I miss the way Mei checks out my legs. How she squealed when we rolled down that grassy hill on our walk around San Fran. How grass stuck in her damp hair. The way she watches my face when I touch her. How she bites her lip when she’s trying not to smile. The smirk on her face when we talk with our eyes. Her eyes. Really miss those. And the way she fits inside my arms. How she lays her head against my chest and interlocks her fingers around my waist like she’ll never let go. The way she said she loved me like it came from a secret place deep inside her only we’d ever been. And I believed her.

“Ah. A girl’s already messed you up, hasn’t she?”

I’m momentarily tempted to spill my emotions all over Tavah like some clumsy accident. But they’re so close to the surface, I swear she can see them swimming. Like I’m an emotional aquarium.

I laugh. Not like Mei makes me laugh, but like if I don’t laugh, I’ll cry, but I need to keep my mouth shut because if I start talking about Mei, I won’t stop. Then my head will catch up with my heart and I’ll realize I’m not actually talking to Mei.

“What’s so funny?”

I shake my head to my lap. “Was just thinking I’m like an emotional aquarium right now. You’re looking right through me.” Tavah looks through me, but Mei sees everything inside.

She throws her head back. Another musical moment. When Mei laughs like that, she puts her hand over her mouth, like she’s trying to hold back her crazy girl. Tavah lets it fly.

“I’m curious to know what exactly an emotional aquarium looks like…”

“I don’t know—you tell me. ”

She laughs again and shakes her head, glancing at me, then to the grass. “Okay, so…” She pushes hair out of her face and looks to the sky. “Really attractive.” She picks a handful of grass. “I’ve had my eye on your emotional fish for a while.”

Crickets chirp. A plane drones overhead. What do I say? WHAT DO I SAY? THAT SOUNDED LIKE A CONFESSION.

“They’re more like attractive sharks, though.” She throws the grass and watches it fall.

Oh. “Sharks?”

“Yeah—intimidating. Scary.” She shrugs and looks at me.

“I’m not scary,” I lock eyes with her, wondering if they’ve learned Eye Language yet. Nope. I miss Mei.

“Yes, you are—girls never know what you’re thinking.”

There’s one girl who can see exactly what I’m thinking. I wish she could see what I’m thinking now. She’d call me back. She’d—

“I wish I knew what you were thinking right now.” Tavah won’t look at me. But I’m glad. She’s new territory—all honest and ready to confess her deepest feelings and drag mine from me. “Sorry.” She shakes her head and takes a deep breath.

“Why?” My voice is rushed, outrunning thoughts of Mei.

Tavah swallows. “I think I just needed to tell you how I feel so I can get over you.”

Whoa. Hold up. Over me? “Over me?”

She smiles and nods. “Yeah. Over you.”

“What exactly are you trying to—?”

“Please, Marcus.” She rolls her eyes. “I’m not subtle. Surely you saw the neon signs saying I like you. A lot. Too much and for way too long.”

Whoa. Okay. Aquarium closed. Come back…never.

“Give a crush six years and it feels bigger than a crush. And that’s just the part of you I see. I mean, I definitely like what I see.” She glances at me, suddenly shy. “I just wish I knew more about what I see.” She pauses, takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly. “Wow. This is harder than I thought it would be, although, to be honest, I knew it would be really hard.”

I smile at her. “What do you mean?”

She tilts her head back and smiles at the sky. “Just…Okay, here goes.” Straightening, she swivels to face me, crossing her legs and gripping her knees. “I’ve been asked to prom. Skylar Sanchez texted me tonight. He’s great. I was super excited and was about to respond and say yes. But…what I really want is to go to prom with you.” She swallows and nods, and her words float to me like dust that hasn’t settled. “Johnny said you aren’t going, but it’s our senior year, and I just…” Looking at the grass, she closes her eyes and rushes, “Want to go with me? Maybe? Even a little bit?” She scrunches her nose and smiles, then glances at me before picking more grass. “Holy cow, this is hard. Sharks all over the place.”

I open my mouth, close it. Stare at the dark field. I wasn’t gonna go to prom. But I also wasn’t gonna fall for a girl and then get messed up by that girl who won’t talk to me.

Tavah’s fingers play with a strand of her hair. This girl tells me exactly what she’s thinking. So easy—no guessing. The guys are going to prom. I have nothing better to do but sit home and think about how not with Mei I am. “Yeah.” I nod. “Sure. Let’s go to prom.”