Page 85 of The Oath We Give

Silas is nervous?

Wait, of course he is. It’s not like he had much of a choice in the matter either.

“When did you become so nosey?” I ask, poking her shoulder with my index finger, a playful smile on my lips.

“Dude, I used to lay under your bed while you talked shit with your friends on three-way calls,” she teases back. “I’ve always been nosey. You’re just now picking up on it.”

I laugh, shaking my head at her silliness. On the darkest of days, she’s never failed to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

“He does look hot in a tux though.”

I can’t stop the blush that heats my cheeks at her words.

“Oh my God, you like him,” she gasps like she’d caught me in a lie. “You so like him!”

My eyes roll at her overreaction, trying to wipe my feelings from my face.

Attraction is not the reason I’m not singing wedding tunes and twirling my hair with joy. I know what he looks like, know there are hundreds of girls who would kill to be in my spot.

He makes me feel vulnerable. Makes me feel safe, like I can open myself up and know he wouldn’t run away scared by what’s inside.

“No I don’t,” I lie, tasting the bitterness of it on my tongue. “Besides, it doesn’t matter, Lilac. This is…it just doesn’t matter.”

A defeated sigh leaves her lips, giving up on trying to get me excited for this moment. With nimble fingers, she reaches into her purse, plucking a silver-and-blue pin from inside. Intricately designed with tiny blue crystals and delicate silver filigree, it’s a stunning piece of jewelry.

“You need something blue.” Lilac twirls her finger, motioning for me to turn around. Deciding not to argue with her on this one, I face the mirror again.

“I know you’re scared,” she whispers, fingering through my hair and winding it together. “Pretending to know what you went through won’t make it better, and arguing for you to let me in doesn’t take it away.”

I bite the inside of my cheek as she fixes my hair, reminding me of all the times I’d done just this same thing for her. When did she grow up?

“But I think Silas could be good for you, Coraline. I think you could be good for him too. The both of you reek of sadness.”

My stomach rolls uneasily.

“You don’t know him.” I straighten my shoulders when she ties the bun behind my head. “This is to keep you safe, Lilac. It’s not about love. Not everyone dreams of that.”

“You used to,” she states, meeting my eyes in the mirror. “You used to dream of falling in love. You may not remember it, but I do. Every bedtime fairy tale, every date with Emmett. I admired the way you chased love. Now, you just block it out.”

That was before I became unworthy of it, I want to scream.

I want her to understand but don’t know how to tell her.

That there are parts of me that still live in the Sinclair basement. He took things from me I’ll never get back.

I can’t just chase love because I know how fucking bitter the aftertaste is.

Love is a weapon, and I’ve killed too many people with it already.

She’s right though. I am scared.

Terrified that a good man, a great man, like Silas is going to die because of me. There are two parts of me tearing me apart on the inside. The piece that knows how this ends and the piece that wants to be selfish.

I want to know him. To know how he struggles with things that aren’t there, how he copes with his mind constantly playing tricks on him. If they still haunt his days and nights. I want to know what scares him and if they are the same as mine.

I want him, but not more than I want him to live.

“I wish you could see yourself the way I do. The way others see you. You’re not this cold bitch, Coraline. No matter what the world tries to tell you.” Her fingers push the pin into the top of my bun, effectively keeping the strands in place. “You’re kind, and your heart was made to give. You’re fiercely protective, more afraid of hurting others than you ever are of wounding yourself. You are allowed to let love in, Cora. I’m not telling you to fall for him. I’m just asking if the opportunity presents itself, remain open to the possibility. I’m asking you to take a chance at being happy. Seeing you so sad is killing me.”