Page 134 of The Oath We Give

"You didn't think to mention it before you left?" Thatcher speaks up, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"It didn't matter. It doesn't matter now. It changes nothing."

"It changes everything!" Rook shouts, tossing his hands in the air.

Fear and pain throb in my chest.

If I told him the truth now, would it change everything? How he sees me? Would telling them the truth do more damage than good?

They may have difficulty admitted what each of us mean to each other, but I don't. I may not say it out loud, but I have always known what they mean to me.

I've never been afraid of love, just losing it.

And right now, I'm terrified my truth with shatter this shaky bond. That it will be the straw that breaks the damn.

"Oh, so who we are related to matters now?" Alistair scoffs, dark hair sticking to his sweaty face, "That determines who I am to you, Van Doren?"

"How the fuck am I supposed to trust you, how do I believe a word that comes out of your fucking mouth."

The truth sits on my tongue, begging me to let it out, as Alistair takes a threatening step forward. Tempted to throw a shot back at Rook to match his bloody mouth.

"Careful there, you sound a little like your father. Don't act so goddamn sanctimonious. You forget we didn't find out about Sage until after you'd fucked her and go your pretty boy heart broken."

My chest tightened, hands reaching inside pulling on my raw nerves. Their argument was only the tip of the iceberg, only a preview of what their reaction would be to me.

I couldn't keep quiet any longer, not when I'd gotten so comfortable speaking to Coraline. She'd given me too much confidence in my own words, how easily she'd accepted my voice.

It made it impossible to keep my lips fucking closed.

"We all have secrets." The plague inside of me spilling out, "It doesn't mean there isn't trust. Some secrets are just heavier than others. It's harder to share the weight of them."

Rook looks at me in the eyes, removing his attention from behind me. My hands are still on his chest, and a piece of me wants to grip his shirt in my palms, just to make sure he doesn't go anywhere.

"Yeah?" Rook says, jaw twitching, "What's yours?"

I see every memory we've ever had together flash before my eyes. Knowing that after this conversation, memories with Rook and the guys might be all that's left of the Hollow Boys.

My tongue drags across my dry lips, "I'm not schizophrenic."

I move my hands from his chest, stepping back and turning so that I'm facing each of them. The weight of my secrets pressing down on me as I swallow.

"I'm not schizophrenic." I say again, just to taste it on my tongue.

My mouth waters around the truth, desperate for more and I give it. I watch each of their faces as I speak every part of my story. Every detail of the secret I kept to myself for far longer than I ever should have. The secret I swore to hold to my chest, just to protect Rosemary.

I tell them because we are nothing if we can’t stand next to each other in the unknowing. It was the reason we’d found each other. Each of us had unspeakable pain. This was just the first time I was talking about mine.

The words rush out of me, so desperate to share after years of torture. They have always existed right on the tip of my tongue, begging to be spoken aloud, but fear was a shield.

Coraline had helped remove it. Taught me that a little faith in someone’s voice goes a long way.

“Why didn’t you say anything to us?”Rooks’ voice is choked with disbelief. Sorrow maybe that he didn’t question me sooner. “Why’d you suffer alone?”

I look at him, knowing his soft heart will take the blame for this. That he will leave here and hate himself for not being someone I could trust with this. Like it was his fault.

But Rook has never been to blame. He’s always been a solstice for me. A person who I could just exist around without being drained. He’s fuel for my soul. Always has been. Forever will be.

“Would you have believed me? Or would you have thought I was just saying that, so I didn’t have to take my medication?”