Page 67 of The Nightblood Prince

I woke in the back of a rattling carriage. Everything from my eyes to my limbs was heavy.

“You are awake?” a voice said beside me.

His face came into slow focus. It was Caikun, but he wasn’t looking at me. “Here.” He offered me a sheepskin of water. “You need to drink.”

“Where are we?”

“Siwang told me to take you home.”

A couple of months ago, I would have wanted nothing more than to go home, and stay as far from this war as possible. Not anymore. “How long have I been unconscious?”

“You have been out for two days, and we have been on the road for half of that,” Caikun murmured.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were…Siwang didn’t tell anyone.

I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you. I thought you looked familiar, but I…

I didn’t know until Siwang finally told me.

I never would have hit you if I had known you were Lifeng Fei, I—”

“Changchun. Has Siwang attacked Changchun?” I asked, finally taking the water from him. I didn’t care if he knew who I was when he attacked me. I didn’t even care that he’d attacked me. I just cared about the people of that city, the innocent civilians who were locked inside.

Yexue had told the truth. Those were damages inflicted by Siwang, not by Yexue and his men when they claimed the surrendered cities.

I should have believed him sooner.

“It happened last night.”

No. “We have to turn back.”

“It’s already happened, there is nothing—”

“Yexue is going to attack in retaliation, and he is going to kill Siwang.”

For the first time, Caikun looked at me, his eyes wide with disbelief.

I could tell him about the vision, but what was the point?

I had cried out the truth in camp, and no one had batted an eye.

I might see the future, but men would never choose my words over those of a prince.

I could scream prophecies of warning from the rooftops, and they would not listen.

“Yexue said he would kill Siwang himself if he didn’t sign the treaty,” I lied. “We have to go back and warn him.”

“Why didn’t you tell Siwang this?”

I wanted to laugh. “Do you think Siwang listens to me? Has anyone ever listened to me?”

This was the way of men. They heard what they wanted to hear and buried what they did not. My words of warning were useless unless they fell on willing ears.

I waited for Caikun to say something, but he just looked at the floor of the carriage in silence.

I sighed. “Stop the carriage! We need to turn back!” I cried.

To my surprise, the carriage stopped.

“Are you all right, Little Li?” Luyao asked from the driver’s seat outside the carriage.

“Siwang wanted you to be with familiar faces when you woke up,” Caikun explained. He did not tell Luyao to whip the horses back into motion. Instead, he just sat there, staring at nothing.

He was still wearing the bone-white clothes of mourning. My heart throbbed for him. Even if my face still ached, I couldn’t blame him. Not after everything this war had put him through—after everything Siwang had put him through.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” I whispered. “I don’t remember much about your father, but I know he was a good man. Everyone from my father to the palace servants to the emperor knew this.”

Caikun’s eyes welled. “Thank you.”

“Siwang is going to die if we don’t go back,” I said, my voice soft and luring.

And I hated myself when I added, “Your father would want us to go back and save Siwang. If Siwang dies, we will all die. The emperor will kill every one of us who could have stopped Siwang from riding into battle against Yexue, but didn’t. ”

I leaned a little closer, my eyes staring hard, willing him to look at me. “We both want what is the best for him, don’t we?”

Caikun didn’t turn my way. “I wish you had died in the mountains that day.”

I flinched, my hand reaching for the blade that was no longer there. “What?”

“If you had died, then none of this would have happened,” Caikun snapped.

“Yexue wouldn’t be waging this war, and my father would still be alive.

All of this fighting is because of you! Because everyone wants the empress of all empresses.

Everyone thinks that by having you, they will rule the continent. ”

Then Caikun did something I did not expect. He drew his dagger and pinned me to the wall. The force of it made the carriage rattle.

“Are you okay?” Luyao asked from outside.

“I am fine!” I croaked, even as Caikun pressed the tip of his blade against my throat, drawing blood.

How long had he been wanting to say this? And how many others blamed me?

“I’m sorry” was all I could say. “But killing me won’t make Yexue spare Siwang. We have to go back, Caikun. We have to stop this battle from happening.”

Caikun sheathed his dagger as quickly as he had drawn it.

Then he reached into his robe and handed me a folded piece of paper. “Siwang said he wanted me to give you this, in case he doesn’t get to say it to you in person.”

I took the letter from him but didn’t read it. Nothing he could say would make me not hate him. “We need to go back, Caikun. You know loss, and you know death. This war isn’t worth it. We have to convince Siwang to sign that treaty and end this once and for all.”

“But Lan Yexue needs to pay for his crimes. He is a killer. He has killed thousands of Rong’s soldiers. He killed my…”

“I know you are in mourning, but hating someone is not enough reason to send thousands of men to their deaths,” I said. “Think of what your father would want you to do.”

Caikun finally looked at me—really looked at me. “My father would want to fight the Lans. But he wouldn’t want to watch Siwang die.”

I swallowed. “ 留着青山在 , 不怕没柴烧 . As long as we have the rolling green mountains, we don’t have to worry about not having firewood to burn.

As long as Rong is still an empire and we are all alive, we can avenge those we have lost and fight Lan another day.

But not right now. We are not strong enough to win this fight. ”

“ 留着青山在 不怕没柴烧 …,” Caikun echoed. He looked at me in silence for a moment. “If I defy Siwang’s orders, it will be treason.”

“If you save his life, and the life of every man in the Third Army, you will be a hero,” I countered.

A deep breath, then: “Turn the carriage around!”

“There is no time.” I tilted the sheepskin back and took several large gulps of water, then climbed out of the carriage. “Untie the horses, Luyao. We need to ride on horseback!”

When I jumped out of the carriage I realized Luyao and Da’sha were the ones behind the horses. Though I was the one giving the order, they both looked at Caikun, who climbed out of the carriage after me.

“Do as Little Li says,” Caikun said.

I counted the horses. Four horses for four riders. “I hope you have spare weapons, because we are going to need them.”

Caikun smiled and reached under the carriage to present me with my silver-tipped bow. “Of course we came prepared—Siwang wasn’t going to send you into these war-torn lands without protection.”

As Luyao and Da’sha untied the horses, I read the letter from Siwang.

Fei,

When you left the capital, you promised that you would write to me, and you never did. So I guess that as always, I will have to make the first move.

When you read this, I hope you will be far from the front lines, and I hope I will be alive and victorious. But in case I am not, I am sorry we did not get more time, and I am sorry that I can’t say this to you in person.

A year ago, you said the way to win your heart was by giving you a choice, by letting you choose me so that we could be equals.

When the stars brought you back to me, I thought you had chosen me, and this was all that I had ever wanted.

To be chosen by you. To be loved by you.

It was never about the throne or the prophecy.

It was always about you. My Fei. My beloved.

You are destined for greatness; the stars have said so themselves.

So to be worthy of you, I must be great, too.

This is why I worked so hard. From scholarly scrolls to martial arts, I practiced and practiced so that I could be worthy of you.

I thought that as long as I tried my best, it would be enough.

I thought if I loved you, and you loved me, the gods would protect us.

But you are the fallen goddess promised by the stars, destined to be the empress of all empresses.

And the only man who would ever be worthy of you is the most powerful man to walk this continent.

This is why I cannot surrender to Yexue, why I must fight.

For you. My beloved, everything I do, I do it for you. I hope one day you will understand. I hope one day I get to explain all of this to you, in person, in the flesh. If not, then I will wait for you in the afterlife.

—And I’m sorry I took your choice by sending you away.

I would die for you, but I cannot let you die for me.

Your Siwang

When I was done reading, I almost crumpled the paper up and threw it.

“You don’t get to blame this war on me,” I whispered. “None of you get to blame this on me.”

When the horses were untied and saddled, I took a sword and a dagger from Luyao—hidden in the under-compartments of the carriage, in case we were attacked.

I rode as hard as I could. When Caikun punched me, he had knocked me out and left a bruised cheek, which throbbed with pain with every leap and gallop of the stallions, like I was getting punched all over again. I bit down the pain. I bit down everything.

You will not blame this war on me, Rong Siwang. You will not blame your selfish wants on me.