Page 18 of The Nightblood Prince

“Six months.” Another half-truth. I’d only begun planning this version of my escape for six months.

But I had been planning for this moment for as long as I could remember.

Perhaps since the moment our fathers sealed our betrothal, my little infant mind had been scheming for a way out.

“There is something I’ve wanted to ask for a long time, but I don’t know whether I should. ”

Siwang chuckled. “Things have already escalated to this point, what is left that you can’t ask?”

“Did you know?”

“About your escape?” he replied. “I had an inkling.”

“And you didn’t do anything to stop me?” Maybe Fangyun was right: that one day I would regret pushing him away.

“ 该来的总是会来的 . What must come, will come eventually. If I stopped you from pursuing this—no matter how foolish your plan is, and how much I don’t want to lose you—you would find another way eventually.

I know you, Fei. Once you’ve set your mind to something, not even ten bulls can pull you back from the path you chose. ”

I hated that he was right. Siwang knew me for all my good and bad, my capabilities and flaws. He knew me like a general knew a battlefield; a consequence of growing up side by side. I could never hide anything from him.

I took a sip of the tea and urged my heart to calm. “Thank you. For not stopping me.”

“Don’t thank me. If I were worthy of your gratitude, I would have asked my father to annul the betrothal and set you free a long time ago.

You are not made for the palace life. I know this, yet…

” He huffed a laugh, though it sounded more like a whimper.

“For seventeen years, we grew up together. Before I was old enough to speak, to think, or to understand this world and all its complexities, I had memories of you. I can’t remember any cherished moments without you. I can’t imagine a life without you.”

“Siwang…”

“I am not a good enough man to set you free. Neither am I prideful enough to not beg you to stay.”

“Is this you, begging?” I whispered.

“If I knelt at your feet like a loyal servant and begged with all the love and devotion my mortal heart has to offer, would you stay?”

Our eyes met in this aching moment of stillness. Siwang’s eyes cradled tears that both shone with hope and glistened with fear. His lips quivered; I had never seen my prince look so anguished and desperate. As if he really was a normal man, begging the woman he loved to stay.

I lowered my gaze. I couldn’t bear seeing him like this.

“I have always loved you, Fei. I—” His voice cracked.

“Siwang, don’t…” I closed my eyes, tears welling between my lashes. Whenever I thought of this moment, I’d never imagined it to be easy. Yet I’d never imagined it would be this hard.

“I thought that with time, I could win your heart and make you happy, just as you’ve made me happy for so many years,” he continued.

With every hitch of Siwang’s breath, every devastated sniffle of his words, I felt like I was being cut open, over and over again.

I would rather the mighty claws of the Beiying tiger over this torment.

“I guess I was wrong. I’m not the man Fate planned for you. ”

My chest was so tight that I could no longer breathe. “It’s not your fault, Siwang.”

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear,” he continued.

“But if I don’t tell you how I feel now, I might never get the chance to.

Even if you’re inclined to believe this is a ploy to keep you at my side for the sake of the prophecy.

Even if you choose to paint my love as obligation or ambition.

That is your choice. Just as loving you is mine. ”

I squeezed my eyes tighter, trying to keep the tears at bay. Each word felt like the lash of an iron-tipped whip, shredding my heart into bloodied ribbons. “I’m sorry, I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Why won’t you stay?” His voice was coarse and fragile, like a man on the verge of tears. I squeezed my eyes tighter. As if by not looking at him, I could pretend this moment wasn’t real.

“It’s not you, Siwang.” I gave him the words I knew he needed to hear.

Siwang expected too much of himself. As the crown prince, he had been burdened with the weight of an empire’s expectations.

“If we were in different circumstances, if you were a normal man and there were no prophecy, I would have loved you—every broken piece of you with every broken piece of me.” I sighed, slowly opening my eyes again but still not looking at him.

“Maybe to some people, the title of empress is enough to forgive the other things. To me, an empress is just a title. Revered as the most powerful woman in the land, when in reality she still bows to the whims of a man. Everything I will have as empress will be an extension of you. You can give me power, just as you can take it away. 伴君如伴虎 , to accompany a ruler is to accompany a tiger. You might love me now, but one day you might hate me enough to want me dead.”

“I would never. ”

“We don’t know what the future holds.” Vivid flashes of my nightmares pushed at my consciousness. I would not let such a fate befall Siwang, nor Yong’An.

Still, I wondered: Would Siwang still love me if the situation were reversed and he were the one cursed with glimpses of a blood-soaked future? Would he choose to banish me to save his people? Whom did Siwang love more—me, or his empire? A question I had never given much thought to.

Hopefully, I would never find out.

“But this is the way. Not just in Rong, but across the continent.”

“What if I want my life to be more than just marriage and bearing children? The world is so much bigger than the palace, than Yong’An, than Rong.

I want to experience all of it, firsthand, not hear about it from poems, or imagine it from the inks of a priceless painting that could never capture the real thing.

I want everything in vivid colors and clarity.

” Slowly, I reached my hand across the table and took his hand into mine, squeezing it tight as my eyes focused on his.

I want you to live a long and happy life.

“Have you ever wanted something so much that you can’t breathe?

That you don’t feel life is worth living without it? ”

The knot between his brows tightened. “We don’t always get what we want.”

His words had an edge to them. I let go of his hand and returned to my ladylike position across the table, hands folded in my lap, spine straight, and shoulders back the way Mother had taught me.

In the Warring States, mothers raised sons to be brave and courageous, daughters to be delicate and agreeable.

Sweet and docile, we were to be. Timid as we were fair.

Obeying and submitting. Cursed to bow to the orders of our fathers, then kneel to the commands of our husbands.

Living life more like property than people.

If Siwang wanted to, he could keep me in this betrothal by force. He was the prince of the most powerful empire in the land, and I was just a girl. There was nothing I could do to stop him. As the man, as the prince, he had all the power, and the only things I had were my threadbare hopes.

And my belief that he loved me enough to make the right decisions.

“Forget about me, Siwang,” I whispered into the frigid air. “One day, you will have so many lovers that you won’t be able to count them all. A few years from now, when you are the emperor, I bet you won’t even remember my name. You don’t need me in your life.”

“You really think I’d forget your name?”

No, I don’t. I didn’t tell him this.

Let him think I was heartless and oblivious to his feelings, so that he could remain oblivious to mine.

Siwang rose to his feet and marched toward the entrance of the tent. His stoic, princely mask fell over his features once more.

“Please tell my father and Minister Lifeng that they may come back into the tent now,” he told the men standing guard. Then he turned to me. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“I…” It took me a moment to understand what he was asking. “I am sure.”

“Very well. This is the last thing I can offer you, Fei. Whatever happens next is up to Fate.”

There was a chill in the tent when the emperor reentered, with Father a few steps behind him, his head still bowed.