Page 20 of The Nightblood Prince

It snowed on the day my family was set to leave Yong’An. Feathery white flakes fell from the sky like specks of sugar.

I’d always loved the snow, and how it illuminated the gloomy winter days.

I loved it the most on the days when our imperial teachers would allow the other kids to stay in the palace a little longer after our classes to play.

It meant I got to see Fangyun for a few more hours, got to sit with her and hear her whisper news of Mother and Father and the world outside the palace.

Gossip and rumors always delighted me, despite the nannies constantly telling me that the empress of all empresses should be above all this.

I treasured these flickers of joy amid the monotonous gray of a life imprisoned.

Occasionally, if the emperor was free and in a fine mood, he’d come to judge our snowmen and award prizes for the best ones.

Years ago, before the pressure of being crown prince robbed Siwang of his childhood innocence, he spent two days in the gardens building an ice statue of an intricately scaled koi.

A symbol of fortune and luck. The emperor was so overjoyed by his son’s creation that he rewarded him with a precious luminescent pearl. Which Siwang crafted into a hairpin, set in a crown of serpentine vines, and gave to me on my next birthday.

I had no idea where that hairpin was now.

Like most of my things, I’d left it behind.

The palace was the only life I had ever known, however that life had never felt like mine.

It was temporary, and it was a cage. I didn’t need shiny memorabilia to remember my time behind those red walls, because the one thing I did want to remember, I couldn’t take with me.

So I might as well bury him with the past.

When my carriage exited those iron gates and I watched the golden roofs of the heavenly pavilions grow smaller and smaller until they were specks in the distance, I knew this would be the last time I saw these lavish halls that had been my whole world for almost eighteen years.

After today, I would never see Yong’An again. Never see Siwang again.

Leaving was bittersweet. Sweet because I had gotten what I had prayed for. Bitter because regardless of how much I hated it, that palace was the only home I had ever known.

I’d never liked goodbyes, so I didn’t say them. Not to the nannies who’d raised me, not to the servant girls who’d become the closest things I had to friends outside of Siwang and my sister.

No goodbyes. Not even to Siwang, whom I had avoided up until my departure. I was afraid that the moment I saw him, everything would sink in, and that he would be the straw that broke my back.

I couldn’t risk tears. This was a seed I’d sown with my own hands, and there was no turning back now.

“Take that to the front yard,” Fangyun instructed the servants extricating our belongings from the family manor.

My sister was diligently picking up pieces of the life I’d shattered.

Only two years my senior, Fangyun had always felt so much older and more mature than I was. Some days, I wished Fate had placed the phoenix’s mark between my sister’s brows instead of mine.

She wouldn’t have crumbled under the pressure. She would have thrived and been the empress that Rong deserved, that Siwang deserved.

Our house was loud with chaos, soldiers stomping, hastily packing up my family’s belongings to be returned to the emperor. Mother was crying while Father sat in a corner, praying.

Neither Mother nor Father had said a single word to me since I’d come home. I wondered if they would ever forgive me for ruining their lives here in the capital.

You are doing it for them, I tried to remind myself. If I didn’t remove myself from this path, the capital would go up in flames, and they would burn with it.

“Be careful with that statue—it’s solid jade. If you drop it, the emperor will have your head,” Grand Eunuch Su instructed, watching everything carefully, ticking things off the list in his hand.

This house, along with most things inside, had been bestowed by the emperor, gifts he was now taking back.

A small act of pettiness, though in the grand scheme of things, it was nothing.

I had broken the heart of the emperor’s favorite son and stolen his fabled fate to become emperor of all emperors. I wouldn’t be surprised if worse punishments had crossed his mind, and the only reason I was still alive was because Siwang had to physically hold his father back.

A life in exile was too easy a sentence—we all knew this. Hence, we had to leave the city as soon as possible, before the emperor changed his mind.

“Let me help,” I said to Fangyun. Please, let me do something for this family.

“It’s okay, Fei. I have everything under—”

She was interrupted by the sudden sound of horses’ hooves rushing into the courtyard. It was Siwang, followed by a slew of his uniformed guards.

My sister grabbed my hand immediately, pushed me behind her as if to shield me. Her hand squeezed mine so tightly that tears welled behind my eyes.

“What is he doing here?” she asked.

“I don’t know.”

“Fangyun.” Siwang greeted her with a nod before his eyes landed on me. Then, more softly, “Fei.”

My sister and I curtsied, as the law required. In the palace, I rarely followed this rule, but things were different now.

With an outward motion of Siwang’s hand, his guards came forward to help the men load our things onto the cart. “This isn’t a job for noble ladies.”

“We are no longer ladies,” I replied, but didn’t object. And we weren’t doing any of the hard labor.

An inward motion of Siwang’s hand, and someone quickly stepped forward and offered him a long wooden box. Siwang opened it. Inside was the silver-tipped bow he had given me all those years ago. The same one that had been left behind on the riverbank that day.

“For protection” was all he said.

I smiled. “Beautiful things like this belong in the palace, not small villages in Su’He.”

A bow grand as this one would be admired in the palace. But in small villages like the one where we were set to go, it would be a curse, the sort of priceless treasure that might lead to my entire family getting slaughtered by thieves.

Siwang nodded, as if he had expected this. Then from his sleeve, he drew a smaller ivory box.

“Take this, at least. It’s powder and makeup, to cover up your phoenix’s mark.

The world outside the palace might not know your face, but they’ve heard of the prophecy and the mark.

Keep it hidden, protect it. When these powders run out, send letters.

Address them to Siwang, just Siwang, no titles and no surname, and sign them with Fei, just Fei .

So that I’ll know they’re from you. I will have people deliver more powder to you, no matter where you are.

Whatever you want in life, all you have to do is ask, and I will give you it. ”

I bit the inside of my lips. Was this a vessel of kindness, or a way for Siwang to keep track of me?

“Don’t reject me, Fei. Let me do this for you, at least.”

When receiving gifts from men, it is best to receive them gracefully even if you do not want them. Something a nanny had told me long ago. So I smiled. “Thank you.”

“You…you don’t have to write only when the powder runs out,” he said, half stumbling over his words. “You can send letters to me anytime…. Tell me about your travels. Where you are and who you meet and…I…” He lowered his gaze. There was a tinge of redness to his eyes.

“I’ll write,” I promised him. “I’ll tell you about the world outside.”

“Tell me everything. Write to me so that I can experience everything with you…if only in spirit.” He looked around. “Can I have a moment alone with you?”

I froze. “We have to leave soon.”

“It won’t take long. I just…I just want to talk to you. One last time.”

“I’ll give you two some space,” Fangyun replied for me. She gave Siwang one last bow, then made her way toward the parlor where our mother’s cries could be heard.

I led him through a red half-moon gate toward the garden, away from the busy eyes and careful ears of the courtyard. “We don’t have much time.”

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” There was an edge to his voice. Hurt? “Today is your last day in Yong’An. If I hadn’t come, would you have left without saying goodbye?”

I kept my head low because I couldn’t bear to tell him that yes, I would have. Not because I didn’t want to see him, but because I wasn’t sure my heart was strong enough.

I didn’t want to look into his eyes and realize that this was the last time I’d ever gaze upon his golden face, hear his laugh, behold his smile…Almost eighteen years of just me and him inside that vast palace. So many memories.

He was the closest friend I’d ever had. And by leaving, I would forfeit my right to watch him grow and age. But with me gone, hopefully the calamity from my visions would never come true, and he would live a long life as a fierce emperor, revered and beloved by his people.

I blinked away the mist in my eyes. Now that he was here, I realized how much I didn’t want to leave him.

How much I wished to keep him at my side despite everything.

Icy flakes continued to fall from the sky, dusting us in white.

“Fei’ er. ” My heart leaped at the way he said my name. The softness of it, coated in the affection I didn’t deserve.

Perhaps more than his darkness, I had always feared this gentler side of him. I had feared it before, and I feared it now. The way it threatened to thaw my heart, dissolve the resolution I’d sacrificed too much not to keep.

The Siwang I wanted to see was the ruthless prince whose ambition could swallow mountains.

I wanted him to be the emperor his father expected.

Selfish and cruel, a man willing to do anything and everything to get what he wanted.

However, if Siwang were such a man, he would never let me go.

If he were such a man, I wouldn’t love him so…