Page 35 of The Mistress (Foxgloves #1)
AMELIA
“ I ’ve had a visit from the Viscount of St. Alsbrook,” Thomas announced as he, Lydia, and Amelia sat for a cup of tea in the drawing room after dinner.
Amelia took a fortifying sip. Thomas had been clear that he wanted her to find a husband this Season. She knew it wasn’t so much about ridding himself of her burden, but more a personal apology for the false hope he’d given her around the Duke of Birmingham. He was worried for her and wanted her happy after her heartbreak. She, on the other hand, had gone along with the Season for the purpose of clearing her name, deciding to deal with any offers if and when they came. If she was being honest, she hadn’t thought she was capable of getting any, especially after her experience with the duke.
The viscount was a nice man. He had paid her compliments and calls. He asked about her life and interests. He made her smile, even if she hadn’t laughed. Thomas liked him. Lydia seemed less enthusiastic, but accepting overall. And yet, Amelia did not want to marry him. She appreciated his friendship and attentions, especially as a new, deep loneliness was taking root within her. But she still loved Gideon. That wouldn’t go away any time soon. How could she marry the viscount when he was only a distraction from the hole left over from losing the man that completed her?
The truth was as the days and weeks built up, so too did her doubt and growing regret for rejecting Gideon. How could she blame him for believing those rumors about her and pursuing her accordingly? The memories had been real. The time they’d spent together. Their conversations. Their feelings and passion. None of that had been false. And if those rumors were so well-known about her, which it seemed they had been, it was absolutely appropriate for him not to marry her. Yes, as he got to know her and saw her with Thomas and Lydia, a part of her argued that he should have noticed the nature of their relationships, seen that something was amiss in his understanding. But if he was so sure those rumors were the truth, how could he have noticed it?
And now that her anger had cooled and she set about living her life without him, she was left with nothing but grief and loss. She missed him. She missed talking to him. Joking and laughing with him. Feeling the weight and focus of his eyes. The joy of his smiles.
Who gave a damn if she was his mistress or his wife as long as they were together? But then she would think of Thomas and Lydia, and she could not bring such scandal on them when they were just about to embark on a happy life together.
“What did he want, Thomas?” Lydia asked, bringing Amelia back to the moment when she didn’t fill the silence.
“My permission,” he answered, not looking away from Amelia.
Again, the silence was loud and unending. Thomas broke it. “I haven’t given him an answer,” he shared. “He is a good man, and he will take care of you. But I will not force you into anything. I want your happiness, and if you will not find that with Philip, then I do not want you to marry him. It is your decision.”
“I do not want to marry him,” she told him.
He forced a note of cheerfulness into his voice, “Then you won’t.”
Yet, again the silence weighed down upon the room, each consumed with the heaviness of her answer. Thomas with his disappointment. Amelia with her heartache. And Lydia with the understanding that her sister intended never to marry. She would spend her days devoted to a man she was separated from.
Lydia set down her cup. “Amelia, I’m getting a bit tired. Would you help me sort through the packages we bought today before retiring?”
“Of course,” Amelia shook off her melancholy, setting her teacup on the table, and focused on her sister.
The ladies bid Thomas goodnight and made their way to Lydia’s bedroom. When they reached the landing, however, Lydia looped her arm through Amelia’s and led her instead to the latter’s room.
“What’s going on?” Amelia asked as her sister steered her in the wrong direction.
Lydia didn’t answer. Instead, she ushered Amelia into her own bedroom and closed the door behind them. “I wanted to talk to you privately,” she said once they were alone and closed off from stray ears.
“About what?” Amelia’s voice came out defeated. She knew Lydia wanted to continue the conversation about the viscount, and Amelia didn’t know how to explain it to her in a way she’d understand. She was still Gideon’s. She always would be. There was no husband for her out there.
“I want you to accept the Duke of Birmingham,” Lydia stated decidedly.
Amelia physically reeled, taking a step back once she registered what Lydia said. She had already been mentally preparing her excuses for rejecting the viscount, when her sister wanted to discuss the real reason for her rejection.
“He’s made no offer to me, Lydia,” Amelia replied once she gathered herself from the shock of her sister’s remark.
“Yes, he did,” Lydia continued confidently. “I think you should accept the role of his mistress.”
“What? Why would I do that?” Her heart began to pound as Lydia cast her vote in support of the thoughts Amelia had already been considering. The only thing that eased her regret for rejecting Gideon and prevented her from going to him now was the thought of what being his mistress would mean for her sister and Thomas. But if Lydia supported her…. Amelia was scared to give in to the immediate hope kindling in her chest.
“Because you love him. You will always love him. I know you. I know your character. You will spend your life apart from him, loving him, and never be with anyone else. So, be with him. It’s not ideal, it’s not marriage. But he loves you, too. He wouldn’t have shared his deepest held secrets and burdens with you if he didn’t. That was real, Amelia. So, be with him.”
Lydia was making it sound so easy, so simple. Amelia couldn’t believe her sister was encouraging her to do this. To be sure, she voiced the only argument that stopped her these past weeks from doing exactly what Lydia suggested now.
“I would be a mistress, Lydia,” Amelia voiced quietly. “This will come back on you and Thomas. Having a whore for a sister.”
“Oh, come now,” Lydia scoffed. “You could never be a whore. You’re devoted to him. And neither Thomas, nor I care about what anyone says or thinks. I just want you to be happy. Thomas wants you to be happy. He thinks it will be through marriage. I know it will only be through the Duke of Birmingham. So, be happy with him. If that’s all he can give you now, then very well. Those are his demons, my darling. Not yours. Don’t let them or the gossips keep you from your happiness.”
The hope blossomed fully in Amelia’s chest. She missed him. Desperately. Inconsolably. She felt half herself at all times. All this time without him, watching him and feeling him, but never more. Pretending to give her attention to others, when the cord that bound them together pulled on her ceaselessly.
There was one other issue that dampened her brightening hope. What she had done and said to him the last time they spoke. “He might not accept me,” Amelia admitted, remembering. “Not after everything I said to him.”
Amelia could see Lydia fight the instinct to insist he would. But after all the broken hopes already weighing on Amelia regarding the Duke of Birmingham, Lydia didn’t pile on yet another. Instead of giving her another promise she couldn’t trust, Lydia gave her the power of a challenge.
“Try,” Lydia said. “You can try .”