Page 245 of The Missing Sister

‘Exactly. So I wrote that I’d have to wait before I came to London, but that I’d write as often as I could.’ Peter shook his head sadly. ‘It seems ridiculous, doesn’t it, in the age that we live in now, that my parents didn’t even have a landline installed in their house, because they simply couldn’t afford it? In all the panic, I hadn’t given you my address either. I said I’d write to you with it, and I did.’ He indicated the pile of letters.

‘The schemes of mice and men...’ I said quietly.

‘I did all I could to find you, Merry. I went to visit Ambrose and he said he’d had a note written in Greek telling him you were going away. He knew no more than I did.’

‘Oh God, Peter,’ I said. ‘I... don’t know what to say. But even if you knew where I was, what could we have done? You couldn’t have left and put your parents at risk. That was the point – Bobby had threatened to kill everyone I loved. And I believed him.’

‘No, but at least when the situation here really started to heat up, Mam wasn’t comfortable with staying in Ireland any longer – there were bombs going off in Belfast constantly and even Dublin was under threat. They were vulnerable anyway, what with their “mixed” marriage, so she persuaded my dad to move to England. I moved with them to Maidenhead, where Mum had relatives, and managed to find a job at a solicitors’ practice there, where I could continue my articles. Of course, I went to up to London and to Cromwell Gardens, but they’d never heard of either you, or Bridget. I swear, I was half out of my mind with worry.’ Peter gave me another ‘grin-mace’. ‘I then heard a few weeks later that some madman called Bobby Noiro had burnt down my parents’ old rented house, and that they’d locked him up for it.’

‘When Bobby’s sister Helen told me only a few days ago about Bobby being imprisoned for burning down a Protestant house, it did cross my mind it could have been your parents’.’

‘At least no one was hurt,’ Peter sighed. ‘He really was a total headcase, wasn’t he? Him and his friends in the Provisional IRA.’

‘He was a headcase, yes, but he didn’t have friends in the Provisional IRA,’ I sighed, suddenly feeling completely exhausted. ‘What a mess it all was. One stupid, misheard word, and here we are thirty-seven years later, thinking the other had... well, I imagined just about everything, that’s for sure.’

‘So did I. But at least I knew my family was safe when Bobby Noiro was put behind bars, but not you. I never forgot you, Merry... A year on from the burning, someone at my law firm recommended I find a private detective. I saved up to pay for a company to look for you in London and Canada. To be honest, I assumed the worst. Merry, therewasno trace of you.’

‘Forgive me, Peter, that’s how I needed it to be. For the safety of everyone I loved. I didn’t even know that Bobby had been locked up until a few days ago, when his sister told me. Maybe if I had, I’d have come back. But who knows?’

There was a pause as both of us sat, lost in thoughts of the past and what might have been.

‘At least it sounds as though you’ve been happy, Merry. Have you been happy?’

‘Yes, I think I have. I married a lovely man called Jock. He was a good few years older than me and, if I’m honest, I do think part of the initial attraction was the fact that I felt protected by him. But as the years passed, I honestly grew to love him, and when he died a few months back, I was completely devastated. We were together over thirty-five years.’

‘Far longer than I ever managed.’ Peter offered me a wry smile. ‘But I’m glad you found someone to care for you, I really am.’

‘And I cared for him. With the kids coming along too, I was contented. Yes, I was,’ I said out loud, mainly to myself. ‘But I also realise now I was always holding something back from him emotionally, and that was because of you. I learnt from my kids that first love can be overwhelming – a grand passion, if you like – but often that love comes to its natural conclusion. Ours never did; in fact, quite the opposite. There was always the “what if” scenario. And because it was forbidden, what with you being Protestant and me a Catholic at that moment in Ireland, not to mention Bobby... Well, it gave the whole thing the feeling of an epic romance, didn’t it?’

‘You’re right, it did, and it has continued to do so for the whole of my adult life,’ he agreed. ‘I admit to not sleeping properly since I received your letter, or being able to concentrate on anything much. I could barely speak when you called me and I heard the sound of your voice, so forgive me if I sounded formal. When I saw you here earlier, actually in the flesh, looking up at the chandelier, I seriously wondered if I was dreaming.’

‘Oh, I know, I was completely terrified! Yet, when you think about it, we were only actually together for six months and never out in the open. You never met my family and I never met yours.’

‘Well, if you remember, I was planning to introduce you to my parents, who wouldn’t have minded in the slightest about our different religions, as they’d intermarried themselves. I’ve spent the last thirty-seven years kicking myself for not being more together that night. I should have given you the telephone number at my lawyers’ practice, but we didn’t think about all that, did we?’

‘No,’ I sighed. ‘I was in complete shock, so it was probably me who gave you the wrong address. I did pick up the receiver in a call box in London a couple of times to dial Ambrose and see if he’d heard from you, but then I remembered how Bobby had threatened to hurt him too and I felt I just couldn’t put him at risk. If he’d have known where I was, I’m sure Bobby would have beaten it out of him, so I thought it was safest not to contact him at all, then he’d have nothing to tell. The bottom line was that I just never thought you wouldn’t come,’ I shrugged. ‘It was as simple as that.’

Peter took a sip of his whiskey and looked at me. ‘I’ve sometimes wondered if it would have lasted... you and me.’

‘That’s something neither of us will ever know the answer to, isn’t it, Peter?’

‘Sadly, yes. So, wanting to meet up with me today, is this all about what they call “closure” these days?’

‘Yes; I left New Zealand on a mission to try and track down both you and Bobby. It was time, if you know what I mean.’

‘I understand. You really did lose everyone you loved when you left, didn’t you?’

‘I did, but remember, I’d known Bobby since I was a little girl, and he and his obsession with the Irish Revolution – andme– had always frightened me. It actually turns out that we shared the same grandparents – we were cousins through our grandmothers, who had been sisters. But they were estranged as many families were – during the Civil War of 1922. It turns out mental illness ran in the family. I’d always been told about Bobby’s crazy dad, then I met up with his younger sister Helen, as I said, who told me their great-uncle, Colin, ended up in an asylum. She decided she didn’t want any children, so that she couldn’t pass whatever gene Bobby and his forefathers shared on to the next generation. All that talk about him being in the Provisional IRA was rubbish. It all came out of his psychosis. The whole thing’s so, so sad.’

‘Psychosis or not, it didn’t make him less dangerous. He was an extremely violent man. As a matter of fact, I went to visit him at St Fintan’s some years back.’

‘Did you? Oh my God, Peter. That was brave of you.’

‘Well, he was handcuffed to an iron bar on the table and I had two burly guards in there with me. I suppose I too wanted to put the past to rest, after he’d terrified the life out of me and then tried to murder my family. I actually walked out of there feeling sorry for him. I remember thinking he’d probably be better off dead than in that living hell. He was so drugged up, he hardly knew his own name. Anyway, what’s done is done. Life’s about the future, not the past, isn’t it? Now, how long are you staying in Belfast?’

‘As long as I’m here with you. Then I’m on the train back to Dublin to spend a little time with Ambrose. After that, I’m going to go back down to West Cork to get to know my family again.’

‘That’ll be nice, and so long overdue.’