Page 158 of The Long Way Home

“I haven’t see you two like this in… five, six? Six years.”

I look back at him, smiling.

He kisses my cheek.

“Sorry if this is awkward—” Taura glances between us. “But what about Jordan?”

“Depending on what time we get home,” BJ says with a look between us, “I’ll do it tonight or tomorrow.”

“Just in time for the Veuve event we’ve got.” Jonah smiles over at me. “You can make your public debut.”

“Seems insensitive,” I consider. “I’m in!”

BJ snorts and kisses my shoulder.

Taura watches BJ and me, a curious look over her face, chin in hand. She’s never seen us together, I guess. Not since school, at least.

“Do you feel bad at all?” she asks gently and my head pulls back.

Do I feel bad? Sleeping with the love of my life? I should think not, thank you very much.

He was mine first.

“Yeah,” Jo smirks, “you’re the other woman now.”

BJ rolls his eyes at him.

“Oh.” I go still, it just dawning on me, really. “Fuck. I’d not—”

“You’re not.” BJ shakes his head quickly.

“No, I am—” I stare at him. “I’d never even thought of her, I just thought of me, and that you’re mine and we belong together — I hadn’t thought about the very present and overt reason why we currently are not together—”

“Magnolia,” BJ holds my face with both his hands. “We’re good. You’re good.”

But we’re not good and I shake my head at him.

“I’ve never cheated on anyone before. I’ve never cheated, I’ve never been the… whorey…. mistress.”

“Actually—” Jonah pipes up again. “If it makes you feel any better, we’ve all felt for years like you sort of cheated on all your fake boyfriends with Beej—”

“I beg your pardon?”

Jonah uses air quotes. “Sleepovers.”

Beej rolls his eyes. “I fucking told you, they were—”

“Yeah, yeah—” Jonah rolls his eyes and BJ launches into a little shut up spiel but not me, I’m spiralling. It’s quick and easy because I’ve never so candidly done the wrong thing like this before and it’s not a good feeling. Actually, the feeling is horrendous. It swallows me whole, squashes down on me. Guilt is a giant Venus flytrap and I am the fly.

I would never want to do to someone else what BJ and Paili did to me, and the honest to god truth is, I’ve not even really considered Jordan a real person til this very moment. I didn’t want to, I didn’t need to. She was an abstract pain in my arse. Until now she felt more like a very sinewy, raven-haired phantom. Not a real person who has real feelings for the boy of my dreams who I just slept with last night even though he has a girlfriend.

I shift on BJ’s lap so we’re facing each other and I think it must be all over my face. I’m rife with worry.

His head tilts and his brows bend in the middle. “It’s not a big deal, Parks.”

I sit back a bit and stare at him for a few seconds before I move off his lap and onto the seat next to him.

“It is a big deal,” I tell him solemnly.