Page 53 of The Intimacy of Skin

I’d never forget the distinct sound of a bobcat’s scream echoing through the trees.

It was a haunting sound, especially at night.

City folks spread rumors or made-up stories about skin walkers who lived in the woods.

When a bobcat screamed, it froze you. Forced you to stop and wonder if someone was being murdered, if you should call the police, or if you should run for your fucking life.

A hungry tiger’s predatory stare gave you no room to ponder. It killed you on the spot, marking you as its targeted prey.

The tiger’s eyes were dark, and his nose wrinkled in disgust. I could see it: the hunger, the desire, the lust warring with each other just below the surface. His claws fixed on my neck, the sharp edges dangerously close to piercing through my skin and drawing blood.

I was frozen and helpless. My back pushed further into the wall behind me, one of his arms crushing my ribs to keep me in place.

The tiger roared in my face, his breath and saliva burning the hairs in my nostrils.

I shut my eyes, squeezing them tight to try and make it all stop.

To make the tiger run away and disappear, forgetting its prey was ever here.

When I opened them, there was no tiger. In its place was something much worse.

It was a man.

A man who wanted. A man who needed. And he wasn’t going to stop until I gave it to him.

At least a tiger would stop after tearing me apart .

The man in the trench coat squeezed his hands around my neck tightly, forcing the blood vessels to constrict.

I gasped, desperate for any sliver of air I could get.

Ice prickled at the back of my neck, subtly reminding me it was time.

I’d be deprived of oxygen until I was pure.

Until I was a glacier, wading in the Arctic, breaking apart with nothing else to give.

He spat in my face. “Answer me! What do you mean you’re not in it anymore?”

How the fuck did he expect me to say anything with his hands around my throat? “I’m not. Quit—” I choked and wheezed, flailing my arms helplessly. “Quit months ago.” I wrapped my hands around his, trying to pull them off. I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t pry his hands off me.

“That’s fucking rich. Once a whore, always a whore.” He pulled me forward, only to slam me back against the wall again. “My buddy says you like it rough. Is this rough enough?”

Pain. White-hot pain seared across the back of my head, forcing me to blink multiple times. The grip on my neck lessened enough to take a few gasping breaths. I pushed at the man, screaming at the top of my lungs.

We were surrounded by people. Why weren’t they helping me? I went to kick him when a fist slammed into my face.

I heard the impact, and it shocked me. I heard the cry in my voice. I fell against the wall, sliding down it until I was sitting in the snow.

Frozen. Pounding. Fuck, my head was pounding. Warmth slid down my face, and when I reached up, I could tell it was blood. Another punch to the face, this time to the nose.

My eyes watered, tears filling my vision as I tried to get up. I was frozen, stuck to the ground. Spending hours walking in the snow and freezing temperatures was getting to me. My muscles were tight, and my reaction time was shot to shit. I wasn’t sure if I could handle any more.

“You gonna let me take you somewhere or are you gonna keep screaming?”

The man towered over me. I was hunched over on the ground, trying to pick myself up, so I couldn’t see him, but I could feel him.

Feel his tiger eyes on me, peering into my tainted soul.

His boot slammed into my ribs, forcing me flat on the ground as I gasped and gasped, trying to find my air again.

My lungs seized, shocked from the cold and the hit they’d just taken.

More shoes in the snow. I could hear them coming from somewhere.

“Hey! He said no, you cunt!”

I looked up fast. Too fast. The city lights swam in my vision. I knew that voice.

Jesse stood before me with two other men. The other two were much bigger than Jesse and much bigger than the man in the trench coat. My muscles relaxed a bit, allowing me to slump fully on the ground.

Snow covered my face, burning my skin after a few seconds.

I could hear a commotion around me, but I wasn’t paying attention.

First, I’d had to relive the awful reality I’d introduced Tobias to, which then caused me to spiral about my own shit.

Then, I got cornered by a man who wanted a taste of my past.

Everything was too heavy. I was so cold that I wasn’t cold anymore. I knew that couldn’t be good.

I let myself get picked up from the ground, two sets of strong arms hoisting me up and ordering me to walk with them.

Jesse walked in front, our guide to wherever the fuck he was taking us.

Apparently, it wasn’t far. We stopped at a beat-up van.

It was the ugliest fucking thing I’d ever seen, though I kept that to myself.

The door slid open, and I was pushed into it, hot air blasting me immediately. I slumped against the seat, allowing myself to warm up and relax.

Jesse sat beside me, a towel in hand, as he began to wipe the melting snow from my skin and clothes. “What the fuck are you doing out here, kid?”

Kid. I snickered at the phrase. “I wasn’t trying to work if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Looked like you were tryna kill yourself,” one of the beefy guys spoke from the side, a thick accent on his tongue. Not like mine, but close.

I shook my head and grabbed a bottle of water that was offered to me. “Nah, just workin’ through some shit. The fuck are y’all doing here? ”

Jesse sighed. He grabbed a blanket from the floorboard, laying it over me tenderly. “We live here. In this van, I mean. Pretty nice, huh?”

I chuckled with him. “Sure beats the streets.”

We worked on getting me warm and hydrated for a while, even though I knew the heat was getting to the two beefy dudes. They didn’t speak much, aside from the one comment I had gotten. The silent types, it seemed.

After feeding me a granola bar, Jesse turned the heat down one notch. We hadn’t been there all that long, but it felt like a lifetime. “Are you gonna tell me what you’re doing here, working through shit without your man? You could’ve gotten seriously hurt, Crew.”

“Would that have been so bad?” I sat up straighter, already feeling better. “I’ve been asking for it for so long, maybe it’s fuckin’ karma.”

Beefy dude without an accent chimed in. “What bullshit are you trying to punish yourself for? Murder?”

Murder? Why was that the first thing he thought of?

“Isaac, stop,” Jesse admonished him with a clipped frown before turning back to me. “Is that what this is about? Guilt? I thought I told you to find happiness. Be with your new boo.”

My phone made an appearance, buzzing repeatedly in my pocket for the millionth time. Jesse raised an eyebrow, looking down at the buzzing and then back at me.

I couldn’t help but feel utterly ashamed and embarrassed under his gaze. “I can’t tell him.”

“Sure you can.”

“No, like, I physically can’t. When I try, I panic. That’s what happened today. I fucking panicked and I ran. That’s what I do.”

Jesse rubbed my shoulder, pushing more warmth into my bones. His voice was steady and calm with a firmness to it that reminded me of Willow. “All right, I get that. Are you still taking shit for granted, though?”

I furrowed my brows at him. “I’ve been a lot more open and shit. I plan to tell him I want to be with him.”

“You plan to, but you haven’t yet, have you?”

Well, shit. I shook my head.

“Damn it, man.” Jesse groaned, leaning his head back.

“Stop that shit! Take what’s in front of you and run with it, for fuck’s sake.

If you can’t say it out loud, say it in a way that you can.

If you being in the life was for some sick form of guilt, you need to find a way to let it go.

If you don’t, you’ll be stuck like me—like us.

” He pointed his finger at Isaac and the other beefy dude.

“You’re too young for this shit, man. I thought I’d gotten through to you. ”

I swiveled my head, looking around the shitty, ugly van that that inhabited all three of them.

There were clothes strewn everywhere and food wrappers tucked into a plastic bag in the corner.

Beneath that, though, they’d made it their home.

A few posters were taped to the ceiling, and the center console at the front was stacked with makeup and little knickknacks.

Jesse said it was too late for him. “Do you regret any of it?” I asked him.

His answer was immediate. “No, I don’t. But that’s because I found those two idiots.

” He nodded his head towards said idiots with a smile.

“They make it worth it. We’re all… stuck.

It sucks. We wish things were different, and we’re trying our best. If we’d taken what was right in front of us, we wouldn’t be struggling so much, and we wouldn’t be rent boys.

” He shrugged. “My past isn’t easy, and neither is any of theirs.

We tell each other in ways we can. Like Isaac, who wrote his shit out on pen and paper for Liam and I.

He can’t say it either. For now, we have our love and resolve to make the best of it. ”

“He wrote it out?” I turned to Isaac, who nodded. “Holy shit.” An idea started to form in my mind. It was a difficult one, but easier than trying and failing to say it out loud. Something Jesse said stuck out to me, though. “Wait, are all of you, like, together?”

Jesse nodded, a cheesy grin on his face. “Yeah, we are. That’s something we didn’t take for granted. And look, we’re happier than ever despite our circumstances.”

Warmth akin to Price’s skin flooded my chest. I looked at all three of them—Isaac, Liam, and Jesse. They all looked lost in their love for each other.

I wanted that with Price. I wanted to feel his fire melt my ice. I wanted to share a piece of my tainted soul with him in a way I’d never been able to before.

“Is there any way you guys can take me home?”

They agreed, despite the heavy snow. Getting home wasn’t too difficult, but I was anxiously hoping Willow wouldn’t be home for what I was going to do.

Thankfully, the driveway was clear of any vehicles.

It was covered in snow, so it looked like she’d been gone for a while.

I thanked Jesse and his boyfriends, promising to meet up with them again soon.

I also promised Jesse the next time he saw me, Price and I would be just as happy as he was with Isaac and Liam.

Trudging inside the house, I was careful not to track any snow. I removed my shoes at the front door and went to my bedroom.

I found what I needed and grabbed a stray notebook with a pen.

I spent the next fifteen minutes writing the final piece to add to the black box of memories I’d carried with me to New York.

I folded the paper and slid it right between three beat-up spiral notebooks and the bottle of my mom’s favorite nail polish.

And then I set off on foot to Price’s apartment, welcoming the cold because I knew it might be the last time I ever felt it.